Thursday 25 July 2013
Jerry Orji's Blog: Davido acquires Mercedes Benz G55 AMG AND Shows Of...
Jerry Orji's Blog: Davido acquires Mercedes Benz G55 AMG AND Shows Of...: Davido has acquired the 2012 Mercedes Benz G55 AMG said to be worth over N20million, though he's yet to take delivery of the luxury...
Thursday 18 July 2013
Alarm
Proudly showing off his
new apartment to a friend
late one night, the drunk
led the way to the
bedroom, where there
was a big brass gong.
"What's that brass gong
for?" asked the friend. "It's
not a gong. It's a talking
clock," the drunk replied.
"A talking clock? How
does it work?"
"Watch this," said the
drunk. He took a
hammer, gave the gong
an ear-shattering pound
and waited. Someone on
the other side of the wall
screamed: "Hey, you jerk.
It's 3:00 in the morning!"
new apartment to a friend
late one night, the drunk
led the way to the
bedroom, where there
was a big brass gong.
"What's that brass gong
for?" asked the friend. "It's
not a gong. It's a talking
clock," the drunk replied.
"A talking clock? How
does it work?"
"Watch this," said the
drunk. He took a
hammer, gave the gong
an ear-shattering pound
and waited. Someone on
the other side of the wall
screamed: "Hey, you jerk.
It's 3:00 in the morning!"
first of al5
A priest was preparing a
dying man for his 'long
day's journey into night'.
Whispering firmly, the
priest says, "Denounce
the devil! Let him know
how little you think of his
evil."
The dying man says
nothing.
The priest repeats his
order again. Still, the
dying man says nothing.
The priest asks, "Why do
you refuse to denounce
the devil and his evil?"
The dying man replies,
"Until I know exactly
where I'm headed, I don't
think it's such a good idea
to aggravate anybody just
yet."
dying man for his 'long
day's journey into night'.
Whispering firmly, the
priest says, "Denounce
the devil! Let him know
how little you think of his
evil."
The dying man says
nothing.
The priest repeats his
order again. Still, the
dying man says nothing.
The priest asks, "Why do
you refuse to denounce
the devil and his evil?"
The dying man replies,
"Until I know exactly
where I'm headed, I don't
think it's such a good idea
to aggravate anybody just
yet."
confession time
Three Pastors met and
agreed to sincerely tell
each other their problems
which must be kept as a
secret between the three
of them.
The First Pastor Said: My
problem is money I do
steal even from the
church offerings please
pray for me.
The Second Pastor Said:
Mine is women,
whenever I see any
woman my desire will be
to go bed with her. In fact
I have slept with most of
my female church
members.
Turning to the Third
Pastor to hear his
problem he started
crying. It took his friends
some effort to calm him.
When they asked Him to
continue he was still
crying, He said "My
problem is GOSSIPING
when we leave this place
everybody will hear all
what the two of you have
just told me? Please Pray
For me."
The Two Pastors Fainted!
agreed to sincerely tell
each other their problems
which must be kept as a
secret between the three
of them.
The First Pastor Said: My
problem is money I do
steal even from the
church offerings please
pray for me.
The Second Pastor Said:
Mine is women,
whenever I see any
woman my desire will be
to go bed with her. In fact
I have slept with most of
my female church
members.
Turning to the Third
Pastor to hear his
problem he started
crying. It took his friends
some effort to calm him.
When they asked Him to
continue he was still
crying, He said "My
problem is GOSSIPING
when we leave this place
everybody will hear all
what the two of you have
just told me? Please Pray
For me."
The Two Pastors Fainted!
Bag of beans
A man asks his wife about
a mysterious bag of
beans in the kitchen.
MAN: Honey where did
this bag of beans come
from?
WIFE: Honey I'm sorry
please forgive me...I've
been unfaithful to you.
MAN: Honey, I know and
I've already forgiven you,
but what has that got to
do with the bag of beans?
WIFE: Well...when I
started cheating on
you...every time I've been
with a different man, I
took a bean seed from his
house and put it in that
bag and it was empty
when I started.
What should he do?
a mysterious bag of
beans in the kitchen.
MAN: Honey where did
this bag of beans come
from?
WIFE: Honey I'm sorry
please forgive me...I've
been unfaithful to you.
MAN: Honey, I know and
I've already forgiven you,
but what has that got to
do with the bag of beans?
WIFE: Well...when I
started cheating on
you...every time I've been
with a different man, I
took a bean seed from his
house and put it in that
bag and it was empty
when I started.
What should he do?
The law student
A student failed in law and
decided to make a deal
with professor.
Sir, do you know
everything about law?
Professor: Yes.
Student: If you can
answer this question, I
will accept my final
marks, if you can't, you
have to give me "A".
The Professor agreed.
Boy asked, "What is legal
but not logical, logical but
not legal & neither legal
nor logical?"
The Professor thought
about it for hours &
pondered but no answer.
He finally had to give up
as he really did not know
and he gave the boy an
"A".
The following day,
professor asked same
question to his students.
He was shocked when all
of them raised their
hands. He asked one
student.
The student answered
"Sir, you are 65, married
to 28 years old woman,
this is legal but not logical.
Your wife, is having an
affair with a 23 year old
boy, this is logical but not
legal. Your wife's
boyfriend has failed in his
exam and yet you have
given him an "A", this is
neither logical nor legal."
The professor collapsed...
decided to make a deal
with professor.
Sir, do you know
everything about law?
Professor: Yes.
Student: If you can
answer this question, I
will accept my final
marks, if you can't, you
have to give me "A".
The Professor agreed.
Boy asked, "What is legal
but not logical, logical but
not legal & neither legal
nor logical?"
The Professor thought
about it for hours &
pondered but no answer.
He finally had to give up
as he really did not know
and he gave the boy an
"A".
The following day,
professor asked same
question to his students.
He was shocked when all
of them raised their
hands. He asked one
student.
The student answered
"Sir, you are 65, married
to 28 years old woman,
this is legal but not logical.
Your wife, is having an
affair with a 23 year old
boy, this is logical but not
legal. Your wife's
boyfriend has failed in his
exam and yet you have
given him an "A", this is
neither logical nor legal."
The professor collapsed...
mountain climbing
Two mountain climbers
reached the top of a
mountain when one fell
into a large crack.
"Are you ok?", the other
one asked.
"Not really", said the
other.
"Ok I'll drop a rope down
so I can pull you up".
"I can't, my hands are
broken" said the other
again.
"Ok then try tying it to
your legs."
"I can't my legs are
broken."
"Ok then put it in your
mouth and I'll pull you
up."
"Ok!"
The man puts it in his
mouth and is pulled by
the other. Half way up,
the one pulling asks "are
you ok?"
The other one answers
"yeaaaa..."
reached the top of a
mountain when one fell
into a large crack.
"Are you ok?", the other
one asked.
"Not really", said the
other.
"Ok I'll drop a rope down
so I can pull you up".
"I can't, my hands are
broken" said the other
again.
"Ok then try tying it to
your legs."
"I can't my legs are
broken."
"Ok then put it in your
mouth and I'll pull you
up."
"Ok!"
The man puts it in his
mouth and is pulled by
the other. Half way up,
the one pulling asks "are
you ok?"
The other one answers
"yeaaaa..."
phone bill
The phone bill was
exceptionally high. Man
called a family meeting to
discuss.
DAD: This is unacceptable.
I don't use home phone, I
use my work phone.
MUM: Me too. I hardly use
home phone. I use my
companies phone
SON: I use my office
mobile, I never use the
home phone.
All of them shocked and
together turned their gaze
at Akpos the house keeper
who was patiently
listening to them.
AKPOS: What? So we all
use our work phone.
What's the Big deal!??
exceptionally high. Man
called a family meeting to
discuss.
DAD: This is unacceptable.
I don't use home phone, I
use my work phone.
MUM: Me too. I hardly use
home phone. I use my
companies phone
SON: I use my office
mobile, I never use the
home phone.
All of them shocked and
together turned their gaze
at Akpos the house keeper
who was patiently
listening to them.
AKPOS: What? So we all
use our work phone.
What's the Big deal!??
Three sperms
Three Sperms are
discussing about their
future:
SPERM 1: I will be a doctor
when I'm born.
SPERM 2: I will be a
Footballer.
SPERM 3: As for me, I will
be a...Oh my God!
SPERM 1 & 2: What is it?
SPERM 3: Our future is
ruined...the bastard is
MASTURBATING!!!
discussing about their
future:
SPERM 1: I will be a doctor
when I'm born.
SPERM 2: I will be a
Footballer.
SPERM 3: As for me, I will
be a...Oh my God!
SPERM 1 & 2: What is it?
SPERM 3: Our future is
ruined...the bastard is
MASTURBATING!!!
Do you have
A woman was at home
when she heard someone
knock at the door. She
went and opened the
door and saw a man
standing there.
He asked the lady, "Do
you have a vagina?"
She slammed the door in
disgust.
The next morning she
heard a knock at the door
and it was the same man
and he asked the same
question of the woman,
"Do you have a vagina?"
She slammed the door
again.
Later that night when her
husband got home she
told him what has
happened for the last two
days. The husband told
the wife in a loving and
concerned voice "Honey, I
am taking tomorrow off
to be home just in case
this guy shows up again."
The next morning they
heard a knock and they
both ran for the door.
The husband said to the
wife in a whispered voice,
"Honey, I'm going to hide
behind the door and listen
and if it is the same guy I
want you to answer yes
to the question because I
want to see where the
bastard is going with it."
She nods yes to her
husband and opened the
door. Sure enough the
same fellow was standing
there and asked the same
question; "Do you have a
vagina?"
"Yes, actually I have" she
said.
The man replied. "Good!
Would you mind telling
your husband to leave
my wife's alone and start
using yours."
when she heard someone
knock at the door. She
went and opened the
door and saw a man
standing there.
He asked the lady, "Do
you have a vagina?"
She slammed the door in
disgust.
The next morning she
heard a knock at the door
and it was the same man
and he asked the same
question of the woman,
"Do you have a vagina?"
She slammed the door
again.
Later that night when her
husband got home she
told him what has
happened for the last two
days. The husband told
the wife in a loving and
concerned voice "Honey, I
am taking tomorrow off
to be home just in case
this guy shows up again."
The next morning they
heard a knock and they
both ran for the door.
The husband said to the
wife in a whispered voice,
"Honey, I'm going to hide
behind the door and listen
and if it is the same guy I
want you to answer yes
to the question because I
want to see where the
bastard is going with it."
She nods yes to her
husband and opened the
door. Sure enough the
same fellow was standing
there and asked the same
question; "Do you have a
vagina?"
"Yes, actually I have" she
said.
The man replied. "Good!
Would you mind telling
your husband to leave
my wife's alone and start
using yours."
IN THE CLUB
Akpos went to a night
club, and when he got
home the following
conversation ensued.
MUM: Akpos, where are
you coming from?
AKPOS: Classes!
MUM: Don't lie to me
boy!!!!!
AKPOS: I went to the club
[in tears]
MUM: Good, I hope you
learnt your lesson?
AKPOS: Yes mummy
MUM: Alright, what did
you see there that you
never want to see again?
AKPOS: Daddy and Aunty
Nadia...
club, and when he got
home the following
conversation ensued.
MUM: Akpos, where are
you coming from?
AKPOS: Classes!
MUM: Don't lie to me
boy!!!!!
AKPOS: I went to the club
[in tears]
MUM: Good, I hope you
learnt your lesson?
AKPOS: Yes mummy
MUM: Alright, what did
you see there that you
never want to see again?
AKPOS: Daddy and Aunty
Nadia...
Monday 15 July 2013
Lagos Assembly move to tackle omo-oniles propose 3 years jail term
Hard times await
Omo-Onile and
Ajagungbale as the
Lagos State House of
Assembly has
proposed a three-
year jail term for any
person or group of
people who engage in
forcible entry and
occupation of landed
properties in the
state.
This was part of the
provisions of the State
Properties Protection Bill,
2013 which has gone pass
the second reading on the
floor of the House.
The bill seeks to regulate
the use of forceful or
unreasonable force to take
over any landed property
in the State.
Speaking on the necessity
for the bill, Chairman,
Committee on Lands and
Housing, Bayo Osinowo
said if the bill is eventually
passed, it would address
so many atrocities
committed by land
grabbers in the State.
Osinowo said, 60 percent
of Certificates of
Occupancy (C. of .O) are
fake. This is part of the
anomalies the bill will
correct when passed.
"In Lagos State, land is
our major resource. It is
our petrol compared to oil
producing states in the
country. Therefore nothing
will be too much to protect
its sanctity," Osinowo
noted.
Also speaking, Sanai
Agunbiade explained that
the bill will also take care
of land agents who parade
themselves and seize
landed properties illegally
without recourse to the
law. "The bill would
prevent Omo-onile from
potential buyer(s) who are
usually harassed and
intimidated before and
during construction
work,"Agunbiade stated.
He further explained that
the bill would prevent
anyone, who without lawful
authority, uses or
threatens violence for the
purpose of securing entry
into any landed property
for himself or for any
other person(s).
The bill stipulates a fine of
N200,000 or two years
imprisonment for any
person found guilty of the
section on forceful
possession of lands.
The bill which is a private
member bill states that
anyone found with fire
arm, weapon or chemical
material or in company or
any -person so armed
would be liable to a death
sentence.
In his submission,
Mudashiru Obasa who had
a contrary view on the
propose bill said an
existing law which
addresses same issue
should be considered
instead of passing another
bill.
However, if the bill is
passed, a special offence
court shall try any person
found guilty, while any one
contravening it will be
liable for three years
imprisonment or N300,000.
The bill has been
committed to the
Committees on Lands and
Housing as well as
Judiciary, Human Rights
and Public Petitions to
report back in a month.
Virtually all members who
spoke on the merits and
demerits of the bill
supported it with the
conviction that when
passed into law, it would
stop the activities of
Ajagungbale (land
grabbers) and nefarious
activities of Omo-Onile in
the state which had
hitherto hindered smooth
land transactions in the
State.
Omo-Onile and
Ajagungbale as the
Lagos State House of
Assembly has
proposed a three-
year jail term for any
person or group of
people who engage in
forcible entry and
occupation of landed
properties in the
state.
This was part of the
provisions of the State
Properties Protection Bill,
2013 which has gone pass
the second reading on the
floor of the House.
The bill seeks to regulate
the use of forceful or
unreasonable force to take
over any landed property
in the State.
Speaking on the necessity
for the bill, Chairman,
Committee on Lands and
Housing, Bayo Osinowo
said if the bill is eventually
passed, it would address
so many atrocities
committed by land
grabbers in the State.
Osinowo said, 60 percent
of Certificates of
Occupancy (C. of .O) are
fake. This is part of the
anomalies the bill will
correct when passed.
"In Lagos State, land is
our major resource. It is
our petrol compared to oil
producing states in the
country. Therefore nothing
will be too much to protect
its sanctity," Osinowo
noted.
Also speaking, Sanai
Agunbiade explained that
the bill will also take care
of land agents who parade
themselves and seize
landed properties illegally
without recourse to the
law. "The bill would
prevent Omo-onile from
potential buyer(s) who are
usually harassed and
intimidated before and
during construction
work,"Agunbiade stated.
He further explained that
the bill would prevent
anyone, who without lawful
authority, uses or
threatens violence for the
purpose of securing entry
into any landed property
for himself or for any
other person(s).
The bill stipulates a fine of
N200,000 or two years
imprisonment for any
person found guilty of the
section on forceful
possession of lands.
The bill which is a private
member bill states that
anyone found with fire
arm, weapon or chemical
material or in company or
any -person so armed
would be liable to a death
sentence.
In his submission,
Mudashiru Obasa who had
a contrary view on the
propose bill said an
existing law which
addresses same issue
should be considered
instead of passing another
bill.
However, if the bill is
passed, a special offence
court shall try any person
found guilty, while any one
contravening it will be
liable for three years
imprisonment or N300,000.
The bill has been
committed to the
Committees on Lands and
Housing as well as
Judiciary, Human Rights
and Public Petitions to
report back in a month.
Virtually all members who
spoke on the merits and
demerits of the bill
supported it with the
conviction that when
passed into law, it would
stop the activities of
Ajagungbale (land
grabbers) and nefarious
activities of Omo-Onile in
the state which had
hitherto hindered smooth
land transactions in the
State.
Saturday 13 July 2013
mgoal:sport news
Main Articles
GOAL 50
2013 Afcon could help
Nigeria on Goal 50
12
A look at how the Super
Eagles’ triumph at the
tournament in South
Africa could assist them in
getting on this year’s list
of the best players in the
world
NIGERIA
Eagles to start
preparations for
Abidjan
10
The home-based Super
Eagles are expected to
resume camp on July 15
ahead of the important
clash against the Elephants
at the Stade Felix
Houphouet-Boigny
Blanc confident PSG
will sign Cavani
1
The 47-year-old is hopeful
that the Ligue 1
champions will soon
complete the transfer of
the Uruguay international,
but warned that a battle
lies ahead to secure the
services of Roma
defender Marquinhos
3
Illarra vows to justify
€32m fee
5
Ribery: I deserve
Ballon d'Or
BREAKING NEWS
10:04 PM Ibe
stunned after first
L'pool goal
9:46 PM Bruno
Cortez seals
Benfica loan
9:37 PM Report:
Grossapach 0-6
Bayern
9:09 PM Constant:
Milan must do
better
8:04 PM Illarra vows
to justify €32m fee
7:28 PM Norwich
sign Fer from
Twente
7:26 PM Zanetti sees
greatness in Icardi
6:54 PM Zaha rules
out Man Utd loan
exit
6:12 PM Gameiro
eyes Sevilla switch
5:55 PM Match
Report: Ghana U20
3-0 Iraq U20
5:45 PM Bruma,
Schaars & Arias join
PSV
Featured articles
Transfer Window Live!
4
Illarra key to
Ancelotti's tiki-taka
1
BVB even stronger
after Gotze departure
10
Wenger U-turns delay
€116m summer splurge
Transfer Talk: Thiago
signals Bayern desire
9
Pep takes first Bayern
risk with Thiago
3
The Goal 50 race has
never been so close
2
Bony adds charisma,
flair & goals to EPL
9
Top trends from five
years of the Goal 50
10
Goal 50: Defining the
greatest players
2
Goal 50… coming soon
TOP STORIES
Thailand All-Stars 1-0
Manchester United:
Red Devils defeated on
Moyes debut
In their opening match of
their tour of Asia, the
post-Sir Alex Ferguson era
began on a negative note
in Bangkok as Teeratep
Winothai struck the only
goal of the game
8
NIGERIA
Imoh Ezekiel gets
improved contract and
is set for Europa
League debut
4
SPAIN
Perez hints at further
signings at Illarra
unveiling
1
FRANCE
Zidane: Coaching is
tough
3
CHAMPIONS LEAGUE
Savicevic makes
match-fixing claim
1
SPAIN
Messi and Neymar can
play together, claims
Guardiola
7
GOAL 50
Goal 50: The Top 10
Nigerian Players of
2013
24
GERMANY
Grossapach 0-6 Bayern
Munich: Bavarians
stroll to six-goal
success
0
COMPETITIONS
Schedule
Table
Schedule
Matchday 1
17/08
LIV
12:45
STO
17/08
ARS
15:00
AST
17/08
SUN
15:00
FUL
17/08
WHU
15:00
CAR
17/08
NOR
15:00
EVE
17/08
WBA
15:00
SOT
17/08
SWA
17:30
MNU
18/08
CRY
13:30
TOT
18/08
CHE
16:00
HUL
19/08
MNC
20:00
NEW
VIEW ALL
FEATURED
12
GOAL 50
How the 2013 Afcon
could help Nigeria on
the Goal 50
A look at how the Super
Eagles’ triumph at the
tournament in South
Africa could assist them in
GOAL 50
2013 Afcon could help
Nigeria on Goal 50
12
A look at how the Super
Eagles’ triumph at the
tournament in South
Africa could assist them in
getting on this year’s list
of the best players in the
world
NIGERIA
Eagles to start
preparations for
Abidjan
10
The home-based Super
Eagles are expected to
resume camp on July 15
ahead of the important
clash against the Elephants
at the Stade Felix
Houphouet-Boigny
Blanc confident PSG
will sign Cavani
1
The 47-year-old is hopeful
that the Ligue 1
champions will soon
complete the transfer of
the Uruguay international,
but warned that a battle
lies ahead to secure the
services of Roma
defender Marquinhos
3
Illarra vows to justify
€32m fee
5
Ribery: I deserve
Ballon d'Or
BREAKING NEWS
10:04 PM Ibe
stunned after first
L'pool goal
9:46 PM Bruno
Cortez seals
Benfica loan
9:37 PM Report:
Grossapach 0-6
Bayern
9:09 PM Constant:
Milan must do
better
8:04 PM Illarra vows
to justify €32m fee
7:28 PM Norwich
sign Fer from
Twente
7:26 PM Zanetti sees
greatness in Icardi
6:54 PM Zaha rules
out Man Utd loan
exit
6:12 PM Gameiro
eyes Sevilla switch
5:55 PM Match
Report: Ghana U20
3-0 Iraq U20
5:45 PM Bruma,
Schaars & Arias join
PSV
Featured articles
Transfer Window Live!
4
Illarra key to
Ancelotti's tiki-taka
1
BVB even stronger
after Gotze departure
10
Wenger U-turns delay
€116m summer splurge
Transfer Talk: Thiago
signals Bayern desire
9
Pep takes first Bayern
risk with Thiago
3
The Goal 50 race has
never been so close
2
Bony adds charisma,
flair & goals to EPL
9
Top trends from five
years of the Goal 50
10
Goal 50: Defining the
greatest players
2
Goal 50… coming soon
TOP STORIES
Thailand All-Stars 1-0
Manchester United:
Red Devils defeated on
Moyes debut
In their opening match of
their tour of Asia, the
post-Sir Alex Ferguson era
began on a negative note
in Bangkok as Teeratep
Winothai struck the only
goal of the game
8
NIGERIA
Imoh Ezekiel gets
improved contract and
is set for Europa
League debut
4
SPAIN
Perez hints at further
signings at Illarra
unveiling
1
FRANCE
Zidane: Coaching is
tough
3
CHAMPIONS LEAGUE
Savicevic makes
match-fixing claim
1
SPAIN
Messi and Neymar can
play together, claims
Guardiola
7
GOAL 50
Goal 50: The Top 10
Nigerian Players of
2013
24
GERMANY
Grossapach 0-6 Bayern
Munich: Bavarians
stroll to six-goal
success
0
COMPETITIONS
Schedule
Table
Schedule
Matchday 1
17/08
LIV
12:45
STO
17/08
ARS
15:00
AST
17/08
SUN
15:00
FUL
17/08
WHU
15:00
CAR
17/08
NOR
15:00
EVE
17/08
WBA
15:00
SOT
17/08
SWA
17:30
MNU
18/08
CRY
13:30
TOT
18/08
CHE
16:00
HUL
19/08
MNC
20:00
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12
GOAL 50
How the 2013 Afcon
could help Nigeria on
the Goal 50
A look at how the Super
Eagles’ triumph at the
tournament in South
Africa could assist them in
cunny akpors
Akpos was trying to avoid
paying doctor's fee after
an eyes operation, so he
says, "doctor, I still can't
see"
The doctor then asks a
sexy young and beautiful
nurse to undress in front
of him. Akpos then says
"I can't see!"
Doctor tells nurse to open
her legs again. Akpos
says "doctor I can't see
still."
The doctor answered
"You are stupid, if you
can't see, HOW COME
YOU ARE HAVING AN
ERECTION? Nurse, prepare
his bill please!"
paying doctor's fee after
an eyes operation, so he
says, "doctor, I still can't
see"
The doctor then asks a
sexy young and beautiful
nurse to undress in front
of him. Akpos then says
"I can't see!"
Doctor tells nurse to open
her legs again. Akpos
says "doctor I can't see
still."
The doctor answered
"You are stupid, if you
can't see, HOW COME
YOU ARE HAVING AN
ERECTION? Nurse, prepare
his bill please!"
Bad voice
I was in the public toilets
and had just sat down, a
voice from the next
cubicle said:
VOICE: Hi, how are you?
ME: Embarrassed I'm
doing fine?
VOICE: So what are you
up to?
ME: Just doing the same
as you , sitting here!
VOICE: Can I come over?
ME: [Annoyed] Rather
busy right now!
The voice then said
"Listen , I will have to call
you back, there's an idiot
next door answering all
my questions."
ME: Oops!
and had just sat down, a
voice from the next
cubicle said:
VOICE: Hi, how are you?
ME: Embarrassed I'm
doing fine?
VOICE: So what are you
up to?
ME: Just doing the same
as you , sitting here!
VOICE: Can I come over?
ME: [Annoyed] Rather
busy right now!
The voice then said
"Listen , I will have to call
you back, there's an idiot
next door answering all
my questions."
ME: Oops!
biggest insult
Caro was walking down
the road when Akpos
passed by holding a Pig.
CARO: What are you
doing with this goat
walking on the street.
AKPOS: [Laughing] Silly
you its not a goat its a Pig.
CARO: Sorry, I was talking
to the Pig!
Akpos: ???
the road when Akpos
passed by holding a Pig.
CARO: What are you
doing with this goat
walking on the street.
AKPOS: [Laughing] Silly
you its not a goat its a Pig.
CARO: Sorry, I was talking
to the Pig!
Akpos: ???
worst day of his life
A young man came into a
bar and ordered a drink,
after ordering it he didn't
drink it immediately. Then
a fat, thirsty trouble-
making truck driver came
and drank it.
MAN: Why did you do
that? You've just helped in
ruining d rest of my day!
TRUCK DRIVER: Don't
worry man but I couldn't
just stand there and
watch you stare at your
drink like that while I was
thirsty...but if you want I
can buy you 2 bottles.
MAN: That's not it, today
is the worst day of my life
first I woke up late for
work then I didn't take my
bath took my car which
eventually broke down on
the road and by the time I
got to my office my
secretary told me my
boss wanted to see me
and as I entered his office
he gave me a letter and
told me to get the hell out
his office.
Took a cab back home
and saw my wife in bed
with another man, I tried
to confront the man but
got beat up and then I
taught of the easiest way
of ending my life so I
poisoned my drink and
you spoilt it by gulping it.
TRUCK DRIVER: ??????
bar and ordered a drink,
after ordering it he didn't
drink it immediately. Then
a fat, thirsty trouble-
making truck driver came
and drank it.
MAN: Why did you do
that? You've just helped in
ruining d rest of my day!
TRUCK DRIVER: Don't
worry man but I couldn't
just stand there and
watch you stare at your
drink like that while I was
thirsty...but if you want I
can buy you 2 bottles.
MAN: That's not it, today
is the worst day of my life
first I woke up late for
work then I didn't take my
bath took my car which
eventually broke down on
the road and by the time I
got to my office my
secretary told me my
boss wanted to see me
and as I entered his office
he gave me a letter and
told me to get the hell out
his office.
Took a cab back home
and saw my wife in bed
with another man, I tried
to confront the man but
got beat up and then I
taught of the easiest way
of ending my life so I
poisoned my drink and
you spoilt it by gulping it.
TRUCK DRIVER: ??????
forgive me father
There's 3 sons of a priest.
They did some bad
crimes. One day all of
them have to drink holy
water in their father's
church.
The first man walks up
and the priest says "What
crime did you do? drink
the holy water now" he
says he killed his mother.
He drinks the water.
The second comes up,
the priest says the same
thing. He says he killed his
son. He drinks the water.
The third comes up
laughing, the priest says
"what crime did you do?"
he simply says "I peed in
the holy water."
They did some bad
crimes. One day all of
them have to drink holy
water in their father's
church.
The first man walks up
and the priest says "What
crime did you do? drink
the holy water now" he
says he killed his mother.
He drinks the water.
The second comes up,
the priest says the same
thing. He says he killed his
son. He drinks the water.
The third comes up
laughing, the priest says
"what crime did you do?"
he simply says "I peed in
the holy water."
David david david
A woman went down to
the Welfare Office to get
aid. The office worker
asked her, "How many
children do you have?"
"Ten," she replied.
"What are their names?"
he asked.
"David, David, David,
David, David, David,
David, David, David and
David," she answered.
"They're all named
David?" he asked "What if
you want them to come
in from playing outside?"
"Oh, that's easy," she
said. "I just call 'David,'
and they all come running
in."
"And, if you want them to
come to the table for
dinner?"
"I just say, 'David, come
eat your dinner'," she
answered.
"But what if you just want
ONE of them to do
something?" he asked.
"Oh, that's easy," she
said. "I just use their last
name!"
the Welfare Office to get
aid. The office worker
asked her, "How many
children do you have?"
"Ten," she replied.
"What are their names?"
he asked.
"David, David, David,
David, David, David,
David, David, David and
David," she answered.
"They're all named
David?" he asked "What if
you want them to come
in from playing outside?"
"Oh, that's easy," she
said. "I just call 'David,'
and they all come running
in."
"And, if you want them to
come to the table for
dinner?"
"I just say, 'David, come
eat your dinner'," she
answered.
"But what if you just want
ONE of them to do
something?" he asked.
"Oh, that's easy," she
said. "I just use their last
name!"
Wednesday 10 July 2013
Transfer
Football
Tuesday 9 July 2013
20.38 BST
Chelsea sign Mark
Schwarzer after
goalkeeper leaves
Fulham
• 40-year-old goalkeeper
will provide cover for Petr
Cech
• Australian signs one-
year contract after being
released
Mark Schwarzer has
joined Chelsea after being
released by Fulham at the
end of last season.
Photograph: Richard
Sellers/Sportsphoto/
Sportsphoto Ltd./Allstar
David Hytner
Chelsea have signed the
goalkeeper Mark
Schwarzer on a free
transfer to provide
competition and cover for
the first choice, Petr Cech.
The 40-year-old Australia
international was released
by Fulham at the end of
last season, after the
arrival of the Holland
goalkeeper Maarten
Stekelenburg from Roma,
and he has agreed a one-
year contract with the
Premier League's other
west London club.
Chelsea, who have
released Ross Turnbull,
had attempted to take
John Ruddy from
Norwich City only to be
deterred by his price tag.
They had offers of £5m
and £6m rejected.
Norwich wanted closer to
£10m.
Schwarzer offers safe
hands and vast
experience. He arrived in
England in 1996, when he
joined Bradford from
Kaiserslautern, and he
went on to spend 11 years
at Middlesbrough before
joining Fulham as a free
agent in 2008.
He is determined to finish
next season at the World
Cup finals in Brazil with
Australia. "We've just
qualified for Brazil and I
want to continue to play
at the highest level for as
long as possible,"
Schwarzer told Chelsea's
website. "Obviously Petr
is a fantastic goalkeeper
and the No1 goalkeeper at
Chelsea but I am here to
help push him along, he
will hopefully push me
along and help the
younger keepers at the
club as well. I'm very
excited about the
challenges ahead."
Schwarzer said of joining
Chelsea: "It's a
phenomenal club. It's one
of the biggest and best
clubs in the world, and it's
an honour to sign for
Chelsea. I didn't take
much convincing to come
here.
"There were other [offers]
but once I knew Chelsea
was interested it was very
much the case that I
wanted to try and make it
happen."
The Chelsea manager,
José Mourinho, is
expected to offer Henrique
Hilário, last season's third-
choice goalkeeper, a new
one-year contract.
Hilário's old deal has
expired but the club
remain in negotiations
over fresh terms.
Schwarzer's former club
Fulham have agreed a
new one-year deal with
Giorgos Karagounis. The
36-year-old featured 28
times for the club last
season after his free
transfer from
Panathinaikos. The
midfielder was initially
released by the Cottagers
when the retained lists
came out on 7 June.
Tuesday 9 July 2013
20.38 BST
Chelsea sign Mark
Schwarzer after
goalkeeper leaves
Fulham
• 40-year-old goalkeeper
will provide cover for Petr
Cech
• Australian signs one-
year contract after being
released
Mark Schwarzer has
joined Chelsea after being
released by Fulham at the
end of last season.
Photograph: Richard
Sellers/Sportsphoto/
Sportsphoto Ltd./Allstar
David Hytner
Chelsea have signed the
goalkeeper Mark
Schwarzer on a free
transfer to provide
competition and cover for
the first choice, Petr Cech.
The 40-year-old Australia
international was released
by Fulham at the end of
last season, after the
arrival of the Holland
goalkeeper Maarten
Stekelenburg from Roma,
and he has agreed a one-
year contract with the
Premier League's other
west London club.
Chelsea, who have
released Ross Turnbull,
had attempted to take
John Ruddy from
Norwich City only to be
deterred by his price tag.
They had offers of £5m
and £6m rejected.
Norwich wanted closer to
£10m.
Schwarzer offers safe
hands and vast
experience. He arrived in
England in 1996, when he
joined Bradford from
Kaiserslautern, and he
went on to spend 11 years
at Middlesbrough before
joining Fulham as a free
agent in 2008.
He is determined to finish
next season at the World
Cup finals in Brazil with
Australia. "We've just
qualified for Brazil and I
want to continue to play
at the highest level for as
long as possible,"
Schwarzer told Chelsea's
website. "Obviously Petr
is a fantastic goalkeeper
and the No1 goalkeeper at
Chelsea but I am here to
help push him along, he
will hopefully push me
along and help the
younger keepers at the
club as well. I'm very
excited about the
challenges ahead."
Schwarzer said of joining
Chelsea: "It's a
phenomenal club. It's one
of the biggest and best
clubs in the world, and it's
an honour to sign for
Chelsea. I didn't take
much convincing to come
here.
"There were other [offers]
but once I knew Chelsea
was interested it was very
much the case that I
wanted to try and make it
happen."
The Chelsea manager,
José Mourinho, is
expected to offer Henrique
Hilário, last season's third-
choice goalkeeper, a new
one-year contract.
Hilário's old deal has
expired but the club
remain in negotiations
over fresh terms.
Schwarzer's former club
Fulham have agreed a
new one-year deal with
Giorgos Karagounis. The
36-year-old featured 28
times for the club last
season after his free
transfer from
Panathinaikos. The
midfielder was initially
released by the Cottagers
when the retained lists
came out on 7 June.
Football
Tuesday 9 July 2013 22.30
BST
Christian Benteke will
cost £25m - and no
swap deals - Villa tell
Spurs
• Villa want cash-only deal
with White Hart Lane club
• Chelsea may have a
chance if Romelu Lukaku
is included
Aston Villa are prepared to
play hardball over the
future of Christian
Benteke. Photograph:
Scott Heavey/Getty
Images
Stuart James
Aston Villa have made it
clear that Tottenham
Hotspur will have to break
their transfer record for
the second time this
summer if they want to
sign Christian Benteke.
The Midlands club are
determined to dig their
heels in over Benteke's
future, after the Belgian
international submitted a
transfer request on
Monday, and they have
no intention of settling for
anything less than £25m.
Tottenham have tracked
Benteke for months, and
the player is understood
to favour a move to
White Hart Lane, where
he would be guaranteed
regular football, yet there
are doubts about whether
they will be able to meet
Villa's valuation, especially
after they spent £17m on
the Brazilian Paulinho this
month. One way to
finance the transfer would
be to include a player,
possibly Jermain Defoe,
but that sort of deal is of
no interest to Villa, who
will demand that Spurs
pay the fee in full.
Randy Lerner, Villa's
owner, is determined to
adopt the same hardline
stance that frustrated
Liverpool in 2008, when
Gareth Barry ended up
missing out on a move to
Anfield. Villa demanded
£18m for Barry and
refused to budge on that
figure, forcing Liverpool to
eventually concede defeat
in their attempts to sign
the England international,
who went on to join
Manchester City for £12m
a year later.
Villa's position on Benteke,
who has three years left
on his contract, poses a
major challenge for
Tottenham. André Villas-
Boas is desperate to
recruit a top-class centre-
forward, and the Spurs
manager believes Benteke
has all the attributes to
succeed at White Hart
Lane. Perhaps crucially,
Benteke has also emerged
as the most viable option
for Spurs at a time when
they have missed out on
David Villa and, for a
variety of reasons, are no
closer to signing Leandro
Damião, Roberto Soldado
or Loïc Rémy.
Tottenham could yet face
competition from Chelsea
and Arsenal, who
watched Benteke before
he joined Villa from Genk
in a £7m deal last August.
In the case of Chelsea it is
possible that Villa would
feel differently about a
makeweight if Romelu
Lukaku, who spent last
season on loan at West
Bromwich Albion, was
included as part of the
package.
Should Benteke leave Villa,
his departure will have no
bearing on Darren Bent's
future. Villa remain keen
to offload Bent whom
Alan Pardew, the
Newcastle manager,
admitted is on a list of five
strikers – which also
includes Rémy – that the
club are interested in
signing. Wolfsburg are
also monitoring Bent's
situation.
Tuesday 9 July 2013 22.30
BST
Christian Benteke will
cost £25m - and no
swap deals - Villa tell
Spurs
• Villa want cash-only deal
with White Hart Lane club
• Chelsea may have a
chance if Romelu Lukaku
is included
Aston Villa are prepared to
play hardball over the
future of Christian
Benteke. Photograph:
Scott Heavey/Getty
Images
Stuart James
Aston Villa have made it
clear that Tottenham
Hotspur will have to break
their transfer record for
the second time this
summer if they want to
sign Christian Benteke.
The Midlands club are
determined to dig their
heels in over Benteke's
future, after the Belgian
international submitted a
transfer request on
Monday, and they have
no intention of settling for
anything less than £25m.
Tottenham have tracked
Benteke for months, and
the player is understood
to favour a move to
White Hart Lane, where
he would be guaranteed
regular football, yet there
are doubts about whether
they will be able to meet
Villa's valuation, especially
after they spent £17m on
the Brazilian Paulinho this
month. One way to
finance the transfer would
be to include a player,
possibly Jermain Defoe,
but that sort of deal is of
no interest to Villa, who
will demand that Spurs
pay the fee in full.
Randy Lerner, Villa's
owner, is determined to
adopt the same hardline
stance that frustrated
Liverpool in 2008, when
Gareth Barry ended up
missing out on a move to
Anfield. Villa demanded
£18m for Barry and
refused to budge on that
figure, forcing Liverpool to
eventually concede defeat
in their attempts to sign
the England international,
who went on to join
Manchester City for £12m
a year later.
Villa's position on Benteke,
who has three years left
on his contract, poses a
major challenge for
Tottenham. André Villas-
Boas is desperate to
recruit a top-class centre-
forward, and the Spurs
manager believes Benteke
has all the attributes to
succeed at White Hart
Lane. Perhaps crucially,
Benteke has also emerged
as the most viable option
for Spurs at a time when
they have missed out on
David Villa and, for a
variety of reasons, are no
closer to signing Leandro
Damião, Roberto Soldado
or Loïc Rémy.
Tottenham could yet face
competition from Chelsea
and Arsenal, who
watched Benteke before
he joined Villa from Genk
in a £7m deal last August.
In the case of Chelsea it is
possible that Villa would
feel differently about a
makeweight if Romelu
Lukaku, who spent last
season on loan at West
Bromwich Albion, was
included as part of the
package.
Should Benteke leave Villa,
his departure will have no
bearing on Darren Bent's
future. Villa remain keen
to offload Bent whom
Alan Pardew, the
Newcastle manager,
admitted is on a list of five
strikers – which also
includes Rémy – that the
club are interested in
signing. Wolfsburg are
also monitoring Bent's
situation.
Epl transfer budget
EUROPE’S big summer
scramble kicks off
today as the transfer
window opens.
The top teams in England
have been busy recruiting
and rebuilding, doing
business totalling
£156million which can be
registered with the
Premier League and the
FA from today.
There are many more
moves ahead before the
window shuts on
September 2, with names
like Wayne Rooney,
Gareth Bale and Cristiano
Ronaldo in the mix.
SunSport looks at the
deals which could go
through in the next couple
of months.
ARSENAL
ARSENE WENGER is
still waiting for the
first of his rumoured A-
listers to arrive.
TARGETS: Gonzalo
Higuain (Real Madrid),
Wayne Rooney (Man Utd),
Ashley Williams
(Swansea), Marouane
Fellaini (Everton), Pepe
Reina (Liverpool), Tin
Jedvaj (Dinamo Zagreb).
ALREADY SIGNED:
None.
SUMMER SPEND 2012:
£40.4m.
ASTON VILLA
PAUL LAMBERT has to
sell before getting
more in.
TARGETS: Loic Remy
(QPR), Emmanuel
Adebayor (Spurs),
Jermain Defoe (Spurs).
ALREADY SIGNED:
Antonio Luna (£2m,
Seville), Aleksandar Tonev
(£2.5m, Lech Poznan),
Jores Okore (£4m,
Nordsjaelland), Leandro
Bacuna (£2.5m,
Groningen), Nicklas
Helenius (£2m, Aalborg),
Jed Steer (Free, Norwich).
SUMMER SPEND 2012:
£19.5m.
CARDIFF
MALKY MACKAY has
had an £8million offer
for Blackpool ace Tom
Ince accepted.
TARGETS: Tom Ince
(Blackpool), Victor
Wanyama (Celtic),
Benjamin Mendy (Le
Havre), Dirk Kuyt
(Fenerbahce), Kenwyne
Jones (Stoke), Bobby
Zamora (QPR).
ALREADY SIGNED:
Andreas Cornelius (£7.5m
FC Copenhagen).
SUMMER SPEND 2012:
£3.5m.
CHELSEA
JOSE MOURINHO’S
priority is to land a
superstar striker — he
also needs a
midfielder.
TARGETS: Edinson
Cavani (left, Napoli),
Robert Lewandowski
(Dortmund), Marco van
Ginkel (Vitesse Arnhem),
John Ruddy (Norwich),
Eliaquim Mangala (Porto).
ALREADY SIGNED:
Andre Schurrle (£17m,
Bayer Leverkusen).
SUMMER SPEND 2012:
£80.3m.
CRYSTAL PALACE
IAN HOLLOWAY has
agreed a £6million fee
for Peterborough
striker Dwight Gayle.
TARGETS: Charlie Adam
(Stoke), Matej Vydra
(Udinese), Yohan Mollo
(Nancy), Peter
Odemwingie (West Brom)
, Joe Walsh (Crawley).
ALREADY SIGNED:
Jerome Thomas (free,
West Brom).
SUMMER SPEND 2012:
£350,000.
WIG SICK ... Arouna
Kone could leave
Wigan to be reunited
with Roberto Martinez
at Everton
EVERTON
ROBERTO MARTINEZ is
ready to raid Wigan but
will have to fight to
keep the Toffees’ top
names.
TARGETS: Arouna Kone
(Wigan), Antolin Alcaraz
(Wigan), Scott Sinclair
(Man City), Keisuke Honda
(CSKA Moscow), Bruno
Ecuele Manga (Lorient).
ALREADY SIGNED:
None.
SUMMER SPEND 2012:
£14.7m.
FULHAM
MARTIN JOL wants to
reinforce his midfield
after last season’s late
collapse.
TARGETS: Bakary Sako
(Wolves), Tom
Huddlestone (Spurs),
Stewart Downing
(Liverpool).
ALREADY SIGNED:
Maarten Stekelenburg
(£4m, Roma), Derek
Boateng (free, Dnipro),
Fernando Amorebieta
(free, At Bilbao), Sascha
Riether (£1.3m, Cologne).
SUMMER SPEND 2012:
£7m.
HULL
STEVE BRUCE is
desperate to add some
firepower.
TARGETS: Ilombe Mboyo
(Gent), Charlie Austin
(Burnley), Carlton Cole
(West Ham), Darren Bent
(A Villa), Peter
Odemwingie (West Brom)
, Scott Carson (Bursaspor)
.
ALREADY SIGNED:
Curtis Davies (£2.5m,
Birmingham), Maynor
Figueroa (free, Wigan),
George Boyd (free,
Peterborough), Ahmed
Elmohamady (£2m,
Sunderland).
SUMMER SPEND 2012:
£2.5m.
LIVERPOOL
BRENDAN RODGERS
needs to spend if Luis
Suarez leaves.
TARGETS: Hatem Ben
Arfa (Newcastle), Henrikh
Mkhitaryan (Shakhtar
Donetsk), Ashley Williams
(Swansea).
ALREADY SIGNED: Luis
Alberto (£6.8m, Seville),
Iago Aspas (£7m, Celta
Vigo), Simon Mignolet
(£9m, Sunderland), Kolo
Toure (free, Man City).
SUMMER SPEND 2012:
£29m.
MAN CITY
MANUEL PELLEGRINI
has already spent
£45million but still
wants a top
goalscorer.
TARGETS: Mario Gomez
(B Munich), Robert
Lewandowski (Dortmund)
, Oscar Cardozo (Benfica),
Alvaro Negredo (Seville),
Pablo Osvaldo (Roma).
ALREADY SIGNED:
Fernandinho (£30m,
Shakhtar Donetsk), Jesus
Navas (£15m, Seville).
SUMMER SPEND 2012:
£28.2m.
RON IN A MILLION ...
David Moyes hopes to
bring Cristiano Ronaldo
back to Old Trafford
MAN UTD
DAVID MOYES finally
gets his chance to
spend big after 11
years on much tighter
budgets.
TARGETS: Thiago
Alcantara (Barcelona),
Robert Lewandowski
(Dortmund), Cristiano
Ronaldo (R Madrid),
Gareth Bale (Spurs),
Leighton Baines (Everton).
ALREADY SIGNED:
Guillermo Varela (£2.5m).
SUMMER SPEND 2012:
£47m.
NEWCASTLE
ALAN PARDEW wants a
striker but first he
needs a nod from new
director of football Joe
Kinnear.
TARGETS: Wilfried Bony
(Vitesse Arnhem), Andre-
Pierre Gignac (Marseille),
Darren Bent (A Villa), Siem
De Jong (Ajax), Pierre-
Emerick Aubameyang (St
Etienne), James Tomkins
(W Ham).
ALREADY SIGNED:
None.
SUMMER SPEND 2012:
£8.1m.
NORWICH
CHRIS HUGHTON is in
talks with PSV striker
Ola Toivonen after a
£4.8million bid.
TARGETS: Arouna Kone
(Wigan), Gary Hooper
(Celtic), Jonjo Shelvey
(Liverpool), Nathan
Redmond (Birmingham).
ALREADY SIGNED: Ricky
van Wolfswinkel (£8.5m,
S. Lisbon), Javier Garrido
(£1m, Lazio).
SUMMER SPEND 2012:
£12.5m.
SINC OR SWIM ...
Southampton are just
one of the clubs
tracking Manchester
City's Scott Sinclair
SOUTHAMPTON
MAURICIO
POCHETTINO has been
handed the kind of
financial backing that
will allow him to spend
big.
TARGETS: Victor
Wanyama (Celtic), Pablo
Osvaldo (Roma), Esteban
Granero (QPR), Scott
Sinclair (Man City).
ALREADY SIGNED:
Dejan Lovren (£8.5m,
Lyon).
SUMMER SPEND 2012:
£27.3m.
STOKE
MARK HUGHES spent
big at Man City and QPR
— but Sparky will have
to work on a much
tighter budget at the
Britannia Stadium.
TARGETS: Roque Santa
Cruz (free), Martin Olsson
(B’burn), Jonjo Shelvey
(L’pool).
ALREADY SIGNED: Erik
Pieters (£3m, PSV
Eindhoven).
SUMMER SPEND 2012:
£10.6m.
SUNDERLAND
PAOLO DI CANIO is
giving his squad a total
overhaul.
TARGETS: Gino Peruzzi
(Velez S), Luis Cavanda
(Lazio), Alfred Duncan
(Inter), Abel Hernandez
(Palermo), Matej Vydra
(Udinese), John Guidetti
(Man C).
ALREADY SIGNED:
David Karlsson (£1.5m,
G’burg), Modibo Diakite
(free, Lazio), Valentin
Roberge (free, Maritimo),
Cabral (free, Basle),
Duncan Watmore
(£500,000, Altrincham).
SUMMER SPEND 2012:
£25m.
SWANSEA
MICHAEL LAUDRUP is
unhappy with his
budget.
TARGETS: Wilfried Bony
(Arnhem), Jonjo Shelvey
(Liverpool), Peter
Odemwingie (West Brom)
, Arouna Kone (Wigan),
Alvaro Negredo (Seville).
ALREADY SIGNED: Jordi
Amat (£2.5m, Espanyol),
Jose Canas (free, Betis),
Gregor Zabret (undisc, NK
Domzale).
SUMMER SPEND 2012:
£15.5m.
VILLA FOR SALE ...
Tottenham are after
Barcelona striker David
Villa
TOTTENHAM
ANDRE VILLAS-BOAS is
determined to keep
Gareth Bale and plans
to spend big.
TARGETS: Tin Jedvaj (D
Zagreb), Alen Halilovic (D
Zagreb), Paulinho
(Corinthians), David Villa
(Barcelona), Christian
Benteke (Aston Villa),
Gerard Deulofeu
(Barcelona), Loic Remy
(QPR).
ALREADY SIGNED:
None.
SUMMER SPEND 2012:
£46.4m.
WEST BROM
STEVE CLARKE has his
work cut out replacing
Romelu Lukaku up front
and might have to
work the loan market
to keep Albion in the
league’s top 10.
TARGETS: Matej Vydra
(Udinese), Scott Sinclair
(Man City), Josh
McEachran (Chelsea).
ALREADY SIGNED:
None.
SUMMER SPEND 2012:
£4m.
WEST HAM
SAM ALLARYDCE wants
a partner for Andy
Carroll.
TARGETS: Wilfried Bony
(Vitesse Arnhem), Demba
Ba (Chelsea), Romelu
Lukaku (Chelsea), Jefferson
Montero (Morelia), Eljero
Elia (Werder Bremen).
ALREADY SIGNED: Andy
Carroll (£15m, Liverpool),
Razvan Rat (free, Shakhtar
Donetsk), Adrian (free,
Betis), Danny Whitehead
(£500,000, Stockport).
SUMMER SPEND 2012:
£13.3m.
scramble kicks off
today as the transfer
window opens.
The top teams in England
have been busy recruiting
and rebuilding, doing
business totalling
£156million which can be
registered with the
Premier League and the
FA from today.
There are many more
moves ahead before the
window shuts on
September 2, with names
like Wayne Rooney,
Gareth Bale and Cristiano
Ronaldo in the mix.
SunSport looks at the
deals which could go
through in the next couple
of months.
ARSENAL
ARSENE WENGER is
still waiting for the
first of his rumoured A-
listers to arrive.
TARGETS: Gonzalo
Higuain (Real Madrid),
Wayne Rooney (Man Utd),
Ashley Williams
(Swansea), Marouane
Fellaini (Everton), Pepe
Reina (Liverpool), Tin
Jedvaj (Dinamo Zagreb).
ALREADY SIGNED:
None.
SUMMER SPEND 2012:
£40.4m.
ASTON VILLA
PAUL LAMBERT has to
sell before getting
more in.
TARGETS: Loic Remy
(QPR), Emmanuel
Adebayor (Spurs),
Jermain Defoe (Spurs).
ALREADY SIGNED:
Antonio Luna (£2m,
Seville), Aleksandar Tonev
(£2.5m, Lech Poznan),
Jores Okore (£4m,
Nordsjaelland), Leandro
Bacuna (£2.5m,
Groningen), Nicklas
Helenius (£2m, Aalborg),
Jed Steer (Free, Norwich).
SUMMER SPEND 2012:
£19.5m.
CARDIFF
MALKY MACKAY has
had an £8million offer
for Blackpool ace Tom
Ince accepted.
TARGETS: Tom Ince
(Blackpool), Victor
Wanyama (Celtic),
Benjamin Mendy (Le
Havre), Dirk Kuyt
(Fenerbahce), Kenwyne
Jones (Stoke), Bobby
Zamora (QPR).
ALREADY SIGNED:
Andreas Cornelius (£7.5m
FC Copenhagen).
SUMMER SPEND 2012:
£3.5m.
CHELSEA
JOSE MOURINHO’S
priority is to land a
superstar striker — he
also needs a
midfielder.
TARGETS: Edinson
Cavani (left, Napoli),
Robert Lewandowski
(Dortmund), Marco van
Ginkel (Vitesse Arnhem),
John Ruddy (Norwich),
Eliaquim Mangala (Porto).
ALREADY SIGNED:
Andre Schurrle (£17m,
Bayer Leverkusen).
SUMMER SPEND 2012:
£80.3m.
CRYSTAL PALACE
IAN HOLLOWAY has
agreed a £6million fee
for Peterborough
striker Dwight Gayle.
TARGETS: Charlie Adam
(Stoke), Matej Vydra
(Udinese), Yohan Mollo
(Nancy), Peter
Odemwingie (West Brom)
, Joe Walsh (Crawley).
ALREADY SIGNED:
Jerome Thomas (free,
West Brom).
SUMMER SPEND 2012:
£350,000.
WIG SICK ... Arouna
Kone could leave
Wigan to be reunited
with Roberto Martinez
at Everton
EVERTON
ROBERTO MARTINEZ is
ready to raid Wigan but
will have to fight to
keep the Toffees’ top
names.
TARGETS: Arouna Kone
(Wigan), Antolin Alcaraz
(Wigan), Scott Sinclair
(Man City), Keisuke Honda
(CSKA Moscow), Bruno
Ecuele Manga (Lorient).
ALREADY SIGNED:
None.
SUMMER SPEND 2012:
£14.7m.
FULHAM
MARTIN JOL wants to
reinforce his midfield
after last season’s late
collapse.
TARGETS: Bakary Sako
(Wolves), Tom
Huddlestone (Spurs),
Stewart Downing
(Liverpool).
ALREADY SIGNED:
Maarten Stekelenburg
(£4m, Roma), Derek
Boateng (free, Dnipro),
Fernando Amorebieta
(free, At Bilbao), Sascha
Riether (£1.3m, Cologne).
SUMMER SPEND 2012:
£7m.
HULL
STEVE BRUCE is
desperate to add some
firepower.
TARGETS: Ilombe Mboyo
(Gent), Charlie Austin
(Burnley), Carlton Cole
(West Ham), Darren Bent
(A Villa), Peter
Odemwingie (West Brom)
, Scott Carson (Bursaspor)
.
ALREADY SIGNED:
Curtis Davies (£2.5m,
Birmingham), Maynor
Figueroa (free, Wigan),
George Boyd (free,
Peterborough), Ahmed
Elmohamady (£2m,
Sunderland).
SUMMER SPEND 2012:
£2.5m.
LIVERPOOL
BRENDAN RODGERS
needs to spend if Luis
Suarez leaves.
TARGETS: Hatem Ben
Arfa (Newcastle), Henrikh
Mkhitaryan (Shakhtar
Donetsk), Ashley Williams
(Swansea).
ALREADY SIGNED: Luis
Alberto (£6.8m, Seville),
Iago Aspas (£7m, Celta
Vigo), Simon Mignolet
(£9m, Sunderland), Kolo
Toure (free, Man City).
SUMMER SPEND 2012:
£29m.
MAN CITY
MANUEL PELLEGRINI
has already spent
£45million but still
wants a top
goalscorer.
TARGETS: Mario Gomez
(B Munich), Robert
Lewandowski (Dortmund)
, Oscar Cardozo (Benfica),
Alvaro Negredo (Seville),
Pablo Osvaldo (Roma).
ALREADY SIGNED:
Fernandinho (£30m,
Shakhtar Donetsk), Jesus
Navas (£15m, Seville).
SUMMER SPEND 2012:
£28.2m.
RON IN A MILLION ...
David Moyes hopes to
bring Cristiano Ronaldo
back to Old Trafford
MAN UTD
DAVID MOYES finally
gets his chance to
spend big after 11
years on much tighter
budgets.
TARGETS: Thiago
Alcantara (Barcelona),
Robert Lewandowski
(Dortmund), Cristiano
Ronaldo (R Madrid),
Gareth Bale (Spurs),
Leighton Baines (Everton).
ALREADY SIGNED:
Guillermo Varela (£2.5m).
SUMMER SPEND 2012:
£47m.
NEWCASTLE
ALAN PARDEW wants a
striker but first he
needs a nod from new
director of football Joe
Kinnear.
TARGETS: Wilfried Bony
(Vitesse Arnhem), Andre-
Pierre Gignac (Marseille),
Darren Bent (A Villa), Siem
De Jong (Ajax), Pierre-
Emerick Aubameyang (St
Etienne), James Tomkins
(W Ham).
ALREADY SIGNED:
None.
SUMMER SPEND 2012:
£8.1m.
NORWICH
CHRIS HUGHTON is in
talks with PSV striker
Ola Toivonen after a
£4.8million bid.
TARGETS: Arouna Kone
(Wigan), Gary Hooper
(Celtic), Jonjo Shelvey
(Liverpool), Nathan
Redmond (Birmingham).
ALREADY SIGNED: Ricky
van Wolfswinkel (£8.5m,
S. Lisbon), Javier Garrido
(£1m, Lazio).
SUMMER SPEND 2012:
£12.5m.
SINC OR SWIM ...
Southampton are just
one of the clubs
tracking Manchester
City's Scott Sinclair
SOUTHAMPTON
MAURICIO
POCHETTINO has been
handed the kind of
financial backing that
will allow him to spend
big.
TARGETS: Victor
Wanyama (Celtic), Pablo
Osvaldo (Roma), Esteban
Granero (QPR), Scott
Sinclair (Man City).
ALREADY SIGNED:
Dejan Lovren (£8.5m,
Lyon).
SUMMER SPEND 2012:
£27.3m.
STOKE
MARK HUGHES spent
big at Man City and QPR
— but Sparky will have
to work on a much
tighter budget at the
Britannia Stadium.
TARGETS: Roque Santa
Cruz (free), Martin Olsson
(B’burn), Jonjo Shelvey
(L’pool).
ALREADY SIGNED: Erik
Pieters (£3m, PSV
Eindhoven).
SUMMER SPEND 2012:
£10.6m.
SUNDERLAND
PAOLO DI CANIO is
giving his squad a total
overhaul.
TARGETS: Gino Peruzzi
(Velez S), Luis Cavanda
(Lazio), Alfred Duncan
(Inter), Abel Hernandez
(Palermo), Matej Vydra
(Udinese), John Guidetti
(Man C).
ALREADY SIGNED:
David Karlsson (£1.5m,
G’burg), Modibo Diakite
(free, Lazio), Valentin
Roberge (free, Maritimo),
Cabral (free, Basle),
Duncan Watmore
(£500,000, Altrincham).
SUMMER SPEND 2012:
£25m.
SWANSEA
MICHAEL LAUDRUP is
unhappy with his
budget.
TARGETS: Wilfried Bony
(Arnhem), Jonjo Shelvey
(Liverpool), Peter
Odemwingie (West Brom)
, Arouna Kone (Wigan),
Alvaro Negredo (Seville).
ALREADY SIGNED: Jordi
Amat (£2.5m, Espanyol),
Jose Canas (free, Betis),
Gregor Zabret (undisc, NK
Domzale).
SUMMER SPEND 2012:
£15.5m.
VILLA FOR SALE ...
Tottenham are after
Barcelona striker David
Villa
TOTTENHAM
ANDRE VILLAS-BOAS is
determined to keep
Gareth Bale and plans
to spend big.
TARGETS: Tin Jedvaj (D
Zagreb), Alen Halilovic (D
Zagreb), Paulinho
(Corinthians), David Villa
(Barcelona), Christian
Benteke (Aston Villa),
Gerard Deulofeu
(Barcelona), Loic Remy
(QPR).
ALREADY SIGNED:
None.
SUMMER SPEND 2012:
£46.4m.
WEST BROM
STEVE CLARKE has his
work cut out replacing
Romelu Lukaku up front
and might have to
work the loan market
to keep Albion in the
league’s top 10.
TARGETS: Matej Vydra
(Udinese), Scott Sinclair
(Man City), Josh
McEachran (Chelsea).
ALREADY SIGNED:
None.
SUMMER SPEND 2012:
£4m.
WEST HAM
SAM ALLARYDCE wants
a partner for Andy
Carroll.
TARGETS: Wilfried Bony
(Vitesse Arnhem), Demba
Ba (Chelsea), Romelu
Lukaku (Chelsea), Jefferson
Montero (Morelia), Eljero
Elia (Werder Bremen).
ALREADY SIGNED: Andy
Carroll (£15m, Liverpool),
Razvan Rat (free, Shakhtar
Donetsk), Adrian (free,
Betis), Danny Whitehead
(£500,000, Stockport).
SUMMER SPEND 2012:
£13.3m.
Saturday 6 July 2013
NAMING CEREMONY
Akpors insisted that his
first child
must bear his name.
So on the day of
naming...
Rev: Which name would
u like ur
child to bear?
Akpors (with smile all
over his face)
replied; Akpors.
Rev: NO! He has to bear
an English
name.
Akpors: Oh ok...
Akporsking.
Rev (Obviously tired of
the prank):
LISTEN! Ur son should
be named after
a saint in the Bible.
Akpors: Na wa o...
(He thought for a while
and
obviously with an
inspiration and
great smile)
"Ok pastor; St.
Akporstus"
English class:
Teacher: What is a
Verb?
Akpos: A Verb is a valve
found in bicycle tyre.
Teacher: What are you
saying?
Akpos: It is a complete
sentence sir.
Teacher: Are you mad?
Akpos: It is a question
sir.
Teacher: Don't be
silly.
Akpos: It is an advice
sir.
Teacher: Stop that
nonsense.
Akpos: It is a command
sir.
Teacher: You're an .
Akpos: It is an insult sir.
Teacher: Get out of my
class.
Akpos: It is an order sir.
Teacher: Oh! Goodness,
What a boy!
Akpos: It is an
exclamation sir.
Teacher: May God have
mercy on you.
Akpos: It is a prayer sir.
Teacher: You need to
see a doctor.
Akpos: It is a
suggestion sir.
Teacher: I rest my case.
Akpos: It is ur choice sir.
Akpos joining the Army:
Officer: We need you in
the army.
Akpos: I’ll join but on
three conditions.
Officer: Ok. what are
the conditions?
Akpos: My first
condition is that I’ll not
wear the uniform
because it is hot.
Officer: Ok. What is the
second
condition?
Akpos: I’ll not do the
perade and other
training under the sun
because it is hot.
I’ll only do it under the
shed or some kind
of
shadow cover.
Officer: Ok. What is your
third condition?
Akpos: And my last and
most important
condition is that during
war times, I’ll remain
on leave.
WHO IS THE MUMU?
Akpors was sent to
deliver a live
chicken for xmas
celebration in
lagos, on his way a
careless
okada made him to fall
off
the bike. The chicken
immediately ran off.
When Akpors saw the
chicken
running away, he
started
laughing. And when
asked why
… he is laughing, he said:
“see this mumu chicken,
where
does she know in lagos
when the address is
with
me.
A pastor announced, "If
you
know your wife is
controlling
you, move to the left".
All the men
in the church moved to
left
except Akpos.
The pastor was
amused and
asked, "How come your
wife
can't control you?"
Akpos quietly replied,
"Pastor, it's
my wife who told me
not to
move"
A Teacher trying to
teach good
manners
asked her students this
Question:
Michael if you were on a
date having
dinner with a nice young
lady,
how would you tell her
that you have
to go
to the bathroom??
Michael:"Just a
minute, I have to go
pee.." Teacher: That
would be rude &
impolite..
How about you Sam??
Sam said:"I
really need to go to the
Toilet,
i'm sorry.." Teacher:
That's better but
still not nice to
say the word Toilet..
Oh you Akpos ?? Can
you use your
brain?? Akpos
said:"Darling, May i
please be
excused for a
moment?? I've got to
shake
hands with a very dear
friend of mine,
whom i hope to
introduce to you after
dinner." "TEACHER
FAINTED!!!"~o)~ o)
Akpos has been
admiring his
neighbor's
wife. The neighbor's
wife always gives
him this seductive
smile
whenever they
greet each other.
Akpos didn't know
how to approach the
lady to tell her of his
desires because she's
married. So, one
day the lady herself
approached
Akpors alone in his
apartment.
AKPOS: Hi.
LADY: Hi.
AKPOS: Is everything
alright?
LADY: Yes. Just need
little help from you
(Smiling seductively).
AKPOS: Wow!
Anything
for the angel.
LADY: I... I... I just
don't
know how to
say this. I'll be so
ashamed of myself if I
ask
and you say no.
AKPOS: Oh my lady.
you
don't have to.
I am ready to do
anything for you.
LADY: You know, it's
been over 3 weeks
since my husband
travelled...
AKPOS: Yes! Yes! Yes!
LADY: And even when
he's around, he
has
some... (pause for a
while) he has some
disabilities...-
AKPOS: Oh poor you...
You must have
been going through
hell!
LADY: I know you'll be
stronger than
him...
AKPOS: Sure.
LADY: Can you help
me?
AKPOS: Wow! Now?
Sure, I'm ready if
you are ready.
LADY: Oh thanks
goodness! that's why
I
came to you. Can you
help me carry our
deep freezer from our
kitchen to the
next street for
repairs?
Akpos nearly Cried!!!
Akpors insisted that his
first child
must bear his name.
So on the day of
naming...
Rev: Which name would
u like ur
child to bear?
Akpors (with smile all
over his face)
replied; Akpors.
Rev: NO! He has to bear
an English
name.
Akpors: Oh ok...
Akporsking.
Rev (Obviously tired of
the prank):
LISTEN! Ur son should
be named after
a saint in the Bible.
Akpors: Na wa o...
(He thought for a while
and
obviously with an
inspiration and
great smile)
"Ok pastor; St.
Akporstus"
English class:
Teacher: What is a
Verb?
Akpos: A Verb is a valve
found in bicycle tyre.
Teacher: What are you
saying?
Akpos: It is a complete
sentence sir.
Teacher: Are you mad?
Akpos: It is a question
sir.
Teacher: Don't be
silly.
Akpos: It is an advice
sir.
Teacher: Stop that
nonsense.
Akpos: It is a command
sir.
Teacher: You're an .
Akpos: It is an insult sir.
Teacher: Get out of my
class.
Akpos: It is an order sir.
Teacher: Oh! Goodness,
What a boy!
Akpos: It is an
exclamation sir.
Teacher: May God have
mercy on you.
Akpos: It is a prayer sir.
Teacher: You need to
see a doctor.
Akpos: It is a
suggestion sir.
Teacher: I rest my case.
Akpos: It is ur choice sir.
Akpos joining the Army:
Officer: We need you in
the army.
Akpos: I’ll join but on
three conditions.
Officer: Ok. what are
the conditions?
Akpos: My first
condition is that I’ll not
wear the uniform
because it is hot.
Officer: Ok. What is the
second
condition?
Akpos: I’ll not do the
perade and other
training under the sun
because it is hot.
I’ll only do it under the
shed or some kind
of
shadow cover.
Officer: Ok. What is your
third condition?
Akpos: And my last and
most important
condition is that during
war times, I’ll remain
on leave.
WHO IS THE MUMU?
Akpors was sent to
deliver a live
chicken for xmas
celebration in
lagos, on his way a
careless
okada made him to fall
off
the bike. The chicken
immediately ran off.
When Akpors saw the
chicken
running away, he
started
laughing. And when
asked why
… he is laughing, he said:
“see this mumu chicken,
where
does she know in lagos
when the address is
with
me.
A pastor announced, "If
you
know your wife is
controlling
you, move to the left".
All the men
in the church moved to
left
except Akpos.
The pastor was
amused and
asked, "How come your
wife
can't control you?"
Akpos quietly replied,
"Pastor, it's
my wife who told me
not to
move"
A Teacher trying to
teach good
manners
asked her students this
Question:
Michael if you were on a
date having
dinner with a nice young
lady,
how would you tell her
that you have
to go
to the bathroom??
Michael:"Just a
minute, I have to go
pee.." Teacher: That
would be rude &
impolite..
How about you Sam??
Sam said:"I
really need to go to the
Toilet,
i'm sorry.." Teacher:
That's better but
still not nice to
say the word Toilet..
Oh you Akpos ?? Can
you use your
brain?? Akpos
said:"Darling, May i
please be
excused for a
moment?? I've got to
shake
hands with a very dear
friend of mine,
whom i hope to
introduce to you after
dinner." "TEACHER
FAINTED!!!"~o)~ o)
Akpos has been
admiring his
neighbor's
wife. The neighbor's
wife always gives
him this seductive
smile
whenever they
greet each other.
Akpos didn't know
how to approach the
lady to tell her of his
desires because she's
married. So, one
day the lady herself
approached
Akpors alone in his
apartment.
AKPOS: Hi.
LADY: Hi.
AKPOS: Is everything
alright?
LADY: Yes. Just need
little help from you
(Smiling seductively).
AKPOS: Wow!
Anything
for the angel.
LADY: I... I... I just
don't
know how to
say this. I'll be so
ashamed of myself if I
ask
and you say no.
AKPOS: Oh my lady.
you
don't have to.
I am ready to do
anything for you.
LADY: You know, it's
been over 3 weeks
since my husband
travelled...
AKPOS: Yes! Yes! Yes!
LADY: And even when
he's around, he
has
some... (pause for a
while) he has some
disabilities...-
AKPOS: Oh poor you...
You must have
been going through
hell!
LADY: I know you'll be
stronger than
him...
AKPOS: Sure.
LADY: Can you help
me?
AKPOS: Wow! Now?
Sure, I'm ready if
you are ready.
LADY: Oh thanks
goodness! that's why
I
came to you. Can you
help me carry our
deep freezer from our
kitchen to the
next street for
repairs?
Akpos nearly Cried!!!
funniest akpors jokes
An angry wife (Ekaitte) 2
her
husband
(Akpors) on phone.
Ekaitte: Where the hell are
you? ...
... Akpors: Honey, u
remember
dat gold shop
where u saw the
diamond
necklace & totally
fell in luv wit it?
Ekaitte (relaxed): Yes, my
king
Akpors: Remember I had
no
cash 2 buy it 4 u
dat day & I said I will buy
it 4 u
one day?
Ekaitte (totally relaxed
with a
smile & a blush):
Yes I remember my love!
Akpors: Good, I am in a
beer
palour next to
that shop!
More to come...
A Community pastor
was getting
tired of
hearing his congregation
confess of adultery
every time.
So, he told the
community to
adopt saying
they have "fallen" & not
go into
details.
(As he would
understand)
The old Pastor died &
Pastor
Akpors - a new
pastor from outside the
town
was sworn in.
Everyday people go to
him & say
they have
fallen.
Pastor Akpors being
concerned &
not
knowing what's going on
called
the village
chief & said to him,
"I think u should get the
pavements fixed,
people tell me that they
have
fallen everyday."
The Chief laughed
hysterically
knowing exactly
what it means.
"Don't laugh" says Pastor
Akpors.
"Your wife fell 7 times
this week"
The chief fainted
1)Akpos goes to a store
for
groceries. He finds cat
food at a
very special low price. He
buys
a dozen cans of cat food.
The
manager sees this and
thinks
that Akpos probably
doesn't
own a cat and he might
give
the cat food to his
children. He
goes to Akpos and ask
him to
bring the cat as proof for
him
to buy the cat food.
Akpos goes
and bring his cat and the
manager lets him buy the
dozen cans.
A few days later Akpos
finds
dog food at a low lower
price.
He buys a dozen cans of
dog
food. Again the manager
wants
proof that he owns the
dog.
Akpos goes to get his
dog and
the manager lets him
buy.
A few days later Akpos
goes to
the store carrying a bag.
He ask
the manager to put his
hand in
the bag and feel what is
inside.
After feeling what's in the
bag
the manager says, "What
the
f**k? What is this? Is this
poo?"
Akpos nodded and
replied, "Yes
I wanted to buy toilet
paper
and I don't want you to
send
me back for proof again."
2)akpos a bus driver was
arguing with his coductor
on who was more
brilliant.
DRIVER: U nor go school.
CONDUCTOR: Haba! I go
school
pass u.
DRIVER: Oya, wetin b 2
times 2?
CONDUCTOR: Ahan! Very
easy!
Dat one na 22 now.
DRIVER: Fool! Person tell
u d
answer for back abi.
her
husband
(Akpors) on phone.
Ekaitte: Where the hell are
you? ...
... Akpors: Honey, u
remember
dat gold shop
where u saw the
diamond
necklace & totally
fell in luv wit it?
Ekaitte (relaxed): Yes, my
king
Akpors: Remember I had
no
cash 2 buy it 4 u
dat day & I said I will buy
it 4 u
one day?
Ekaitte (totally relaxed
with a
smile & a blush):
Yes I remember my love!
Akpors: Good, I am in a
beer
palour next to
that shop!
More to come...
A Community pastor
was getting
tired of
hearing his congregation
confess of adultery
every time.
So, he told the
community to
adopt saying
they have "fallen" & not
go into
details.
(As he would
understand)
The old Pastor died &
Pastor
Akpors - a new
pastor from outside the
town
was sworn in.
Everyday people go to
him & say
they have
fallen.
Pastor Akpors being
concerned &
not
knowing what's going on
called
the village
chief & said to him,
"I think u should get the
pavements fixed,
people tell me that they
have
fallen everyday."
The Chief laughed
hysterically
knowing exactly
what it means.
"Don't laugh" says Pastor
Akpors.
"Your wife fell 7 times
this week"
The chief fainted
1)Akpos goes to a store
for
groceries. He finds cat
food at a
very special low price. He
buys
a dozen cans of cat food.
The
manager sees this and
thinks
that Akpos probably
doesn't
own a cat and he might
give
the cat food to his
children. He
goes to Akpos and ask
him to
bring the cat as proof for
him
to buy the cat food.
Akpos goes
and bring his cat and the
manager lets him buy the
dozen cans.
A few days later Akpos
finds
dog food at a low lower
price.
He buys a dozen cans of
dog
food. Again the manager
wants
proof that he owns the
dog.
Akpos goes to get his
dog and
the manager lets him
buy.
A few days later Akpos
goes to
the store carrying a bag.
He ask
the manager to put his
hand in
the bag and feel what is
inside.
After feeling what's in the
bag
the manager says, "What
the
f**k? What is this? Is this
poo?"
Akpos nodded and
replied, "Yes
I wanted to buy toilet
paper
and I don't want you to
send
me back for proof again."
2)akpos a bus driver was
arguing with his coductor
on who was more
brilliant.
DRIVER: U nor go school.
CONDUCTOR: Haba! I go
school
pass u.
DRIVER: Oya, wetin b 2
times 2?
CONDUCTOR: Ahan! Very
easy!
Dat one na 22 now.
DRIVER: Fool! Person tell
u d
answer for back abi.
. . . .AKPORS.
.
.
EPISODE 1
_A teacher lecturing on
population said 'In the
world, after every 10
seconds, a woman gives
birth to a kid.' Akpors
stood up and said 'we
must find and stop her!'
_Akpors; why are all
these people running?
Man: this is a race, the
winner will get the cup.
Akpors: if only the winner
will get the cup,why are
others running?
_Akpors told his servant:
go and water the plants.
Servant: its already
raining.
Akpors: so what, take an
umbrella and go!
_Postman: I had to come
5 miles to deliver you this
package.
Akpors: why did you
have to come so far,
instead u could have
posted it.
_Akpors at an Art gallery:
i suppose this horrible
looking thing is what you
call modern art?
Art dealer: i beg your
pardon sir, that is a
mirror!
_Akpors was writing
something very slowly.
A friend asked "why are
you writing so slowly?
Akpors: i'm writing to my
six year old son, he cant
read very fast.
_Flash news:A 2 SEATER
plane crashed in a
GRAVEYARD in
Umukoro. Akpors and
his townsmen have so
far found 500 bodies and
are still DIGGING for
more. L.O.L.Z
Follow dis trend and laf at
all akpors joke
(1)Akpors goes into a
chemist,
reaches into his pocket
and takes
out a small bottle and a
teaspoon.
He pours some liquid
onto the
teaspoon and offers it to
the
chemist's assistant."Coul
d you taste
this please?" says Akpors.
Chemist
Assistant takes the
teaspoon, put it
in his mouth swills the
liquid and
swallow it.. "Does it taste
sweet?"
says Akpors "No, not
at all" says Chemist
Assistant.
"Good" says
Akpors....."the doctor
told me to come here
and get my
urine tested for
sugar"The Chemist
Assistant fainted.
(2)Akpors was doing his
maths
homework & saying:
2+5, the son of a
Naughty Lady is 7
3+6, the son of a
Naughty Lady is 9. ..
His Mom : What are you
doing?
Akpors : I'm doing maths
homework
Mom : this is how your
teacher
taught you ?
Akpors : Yes
Infuriated, Mom asked
the teacher
the next day -
'What are you teaching
my son in
maths ?'
Teacher : Right now, we
are
learning addition.
Mom : you teaching them
to say 2+2, the Son
of a Naughty Lady is 4 ?
Teacher after laughing :
What I taught them was,
2+2,
The Sum of Which is 4 !
(3)AKPORS THE
PRESENTER
PRESENTER
AKPORS:Wats ur
contribution?
CALLER:There is dis lady i
wanted in my life
shortly
after my NYSC,Bt all my
efforts proved
abortive, She wouldn't
pick ma calls, she
would laff at me while
passin
by for reasons best
known to her, 5 months
later, i was able 2 get an
apartment, get a
new car courtesy of a
contract job i secured
with a major oil
company. Now most of
d missed calls i have
are
hers, barrage of sms and
all dat, i am
confused on wot 2 do,
Plz advice me.
PRESENTER AKPORS:
Listen up give her a call
letting her knw
u'll be at her house in
2hrs, Wen its tym call
her up and delay for
anoda 2hrs,Take a cool
Shower, wear a nice
outfit and attention
catching perfume, When
its tym drive 2 her
house, Walk 2 her door
and knock,once she
opens, with d sexiest
smile u've got, look
stylishly into
her eyes, draw her
slowly to urself, take ur
mouth close to her ear
and whisper
''THUNDER FIRE U'
(4)Girl: If we get married,
stop smoking.
Akpors: Ok!
Girl: Drinking too.
Akpors: Ok!
Girl: N going to the night
club too.
Akpors:- Yes.
Girl:-You stop watchin
soccer matches with yo
boyz
Akpors: Okay!
Girl:- What else can u
leave??
Akpors:- The idea of
marrying You
(6)Akpors last week
moved with his wife to
Victoria Island, Lagos.
A thief came to his house
one night and
threatened to inject him
with blood
containing the HIV virus if
he didn't drop all
the money he collected
from the bank the day
before.
Akpors: Are you going to
leave me with the
money if I allow you to
inject me with the
HIVvirus?
The Thief: I will not collect
the money and I
will leave you.
On hearing this, he told
the thief to give him 2
minutes and he went to
the toilet. When he
came back from the
toilet, he asked the thief
to inject him with the HIV
virus.
The frustrated thief
injected him with the HIV
virus and left
immediately.
Immediately the thief left,
the wife became
hysterical
The Wife: What the hell
did you just do?
Akpors: Don't mind the
silly thief, he doesn't
know that I put on a
condom the other time
Iwent to the toilet
.
.
EPISODE 1
_A teacher lecturing on
population said 'In the
world, after every 10
seconds, a woman gives
birth to a kid.' Akpors
stood up and said 'we
must find and stop her!'
_Akpors; why are all
these people running?
Man: this is a race, the
winner will get the cup.
Akpors: if only the winner
will get the cup,why are
others running?
_Akpors told his servant:
go and water the plants.
Servant: its already
raining.
Akpors: so what, take an
umbrella and go!
_Postman: I had to come
5 miles to deliver you this
package.
Akpors: why did you
have to come so far,
instead u could have
posted it.
_Akpors at an Art gallery:
i suppose this horrible
looking thing is what you
call modern art?
Art dealer: i beg your
pardon sir, that is a
mirror!
_Akpors was writing
something very slowly.
A friend asked "why are
you writing so slowly?
Akpors: i'm writing to my
six year old son, he cant
read very fast.
_Flash news:A 2 SEATER
plane crashed in a
GRAVEYARD in
Umukoro. Akpors and
his townsmen have so
far found 500 bodies and
are still DIGGING for
more. L.O.L.Z
Follow dis trend and laf at
all akpors joke
(1)Akpors goes into a
chemist,
reaches into his pocket
and takes
out a small bottle and a
teaspoon.
He pours some liquid
onto the
teaspoon and offers it to
the
chemist's assistant."Coul
d you taste
this please?" says Akpors.
Chemist
Assistant takes the
teaspoon, put it
in his mouth swills the
liquid and
swallow it.. "Does it taste
sweet?"
says Akpors "No, not
at all" says Chemist
Assistant.
"Good" says
Akpors....."the doctor
told me to come here
and get my
urine tested for
sugar"The Chemist
Assistant fainted.
(2)Akpors was doing his
maths
homework & saying:
2+5, the son of a
Naughty Lady is 7
3+6, the son of a
Naughty Lady is 9. ..
His Mom : What are you
doing?
Akpors : I'm doing maths
homework
Mom : this is how your
teacher
taught you ?
Akpors : Yes
Infuriated, Mom asked
the teacher
the next day -
'What are you teaching
my son in
maths ?'
Teacher : Right now, we
are
learning addition.
Mom : you teaching them
to say 2+2, the Son
of a Naughty Lady is 4 ?
Teacher after laughing :
What I taught them was,
2+2,
The Sum of Which is 4 !
(3)AKPORS THE
PRESENTER
PRESENTER
AKPORS:Wats ur
contribution?
CALLER:There is dis lady i
wanted in my life
shortly
after my NYSC,Bt all my
efforts proved
abortive, She wouldn't
pick ma calls, she
would laff at me while
passin
by for reasons best
known to her, 5 months
later, i was able 2 get an
apartment, get a
new car courtesy of a
contract job i secured
with a major oil
company. Now most of
d missed calls i have
are
hers, barrage of sms and
all dat, i am
confused on wot 2 do,
Plz advice me.
PRESENTER AKPORS:
Listen up give her a call
letting her knw
u'll be at her house in
2hrs, Wen its tym call
her up and delay for
anoda 2hrs,Take a cool
Shower, wear a nice
outfit and attention
catching perfume, When
its tym drive 2 her
house, Walk 2 her door
and knock,once she
opens, with d sexiest
smile u've got, look
stylishly into
her eyes, draw her
slowly to urself, take ur
mouth close to her ear
and whisper
''THUNDER FIRE U'
(4)Girl: If we get married,
stop smoking.
Akpors: Ok!
Girl: Drinking too.
Akpors: Ok!
Girl: N going to the night
club too.
Akpors:- Yes.
Girl:-You stop watchin
soccer matches with yo
boyz
Akpors: Okay!
Girl:- What else can u
leave??
Akpors:- The idea of
marrying You
(6)Akpors last week
moved with his wife to
Victoria Island, Lagos.
A thief came to his house
one night and
threatened to inject him
with blood
containing the HIV virus if
he didn't drop all
the money he collected
from the bank the day
before.
Akpors: Are you going to
leave me with the
money if I allow you to
inject me with the
HIVvirus?
The Thief: I will not collect
the money and I
will leave you.
On hearing this, he told
the thief to give him 2
minutes and he went to
the toilet. When he
came back from the
toilet, he asked the thief
to inject him with the HIV
virus.
The frustrated thief
injected him with the HIV
virus and left
immediately.
Immediately the thief left,
the wife became
hysterical
The Wife: What the hell
did you just do?
Akpors: Don't mind the
silly thief, he doesn't
know that I put on a
condom the other time
Iwent to the toilet
Akpors and his pale
Akpors' father
accompanied him
to his school end of the
year
award party.
As they sat watching and
amidst
great shouts and loud
ovations,
the beneficiaries were
called to
the podium for their
award
presentation.
The following
conversation
ensued:
Announcer: Best student
in
sciences, the winner is
Inem.
Father: (Applause and
eyes Akpors
scornfully) see correct
children!
Announcer: Best student
in
commercial studies, the
winner is
Ajoke.
Father: (Hisses and eyes
Akpors)
see correct children.
Announcer: Best student
in Arts
and the winner is Helen.
Father: (fuming with
anger) See
correct children!!.
And so, all the awards
were
presented without any
going to
Akpors.
At the end of the event,
they left
and went to the car park
but as
his dad made to start the
car, the
engine refused to
respond.
He opened the bonnet
and
touched a few things but
all to no
avail.
Then they resorted to
pushing
and just as they got to
the exit of
the school the rickety car
parked
up.
Exhausted and profusely
sweating, Akpors rested
on the
gate just as his mates
were
driving off with their
parents in
Hummer jeep, Sequia,
Infinity,
Escalade, Bentley, Lincoln
Nav and
other exotic cars.
All of a sudden, Akpors
burst into
laughter.
His puzzled father
asked,'what's
so funny?'
Amidst teary eyes
Akpors
responded 'SEE CORRECT
FATHERS!'.
accompanied him
to his school end of the
year
award party.
As they sat watching and
amidst
great shouts and loud
ovations,
the beneficiaries were
called to
the podium for their
award
presentation.
The following
conversation
ensued:
Announcer: Best student
in
sciences, the winner is
Inem.
Father: (Applause and
eyes Akpors
scornfully) see correct
children!
Announcer: Best student
in
commercial studies, the
winner is
Ajoke.
Father: (Hisses and eyes
Akpors)
see correct children.
Announcer: Best student
in Arts
and the winner is Helen.
Father: (fuming with
anger) See
correct children!!.
And so, all the awards
were
presented without any
going to
Akpors.
At the end of the event,
they left
and went to the car park
but as
his dad made to start the
car, the
engine refused to
respond.
He opened the bonnet
and
touched a few things but
all to no
avail.
Then they resorted to
pushing
and just as they got to
the exit of
the school the rickety car
parked
up.
Exhausted and profusely
sweating, Akpors rested
on the
gate just as his mates
were
driving off with their
parents in
Hummer jeep, Sequia,
Infinity,
Escalade, Bentley, Lincoln
Nav and
other exotic cars.
All of a sudden, Akpors
burst into
laughter.
His puzzled father
asked,'what's
so funny?'
Amidst teary eyes
Akpors
responded 'SEE CORRECT
FATHERS!'.
akpors love don't cost a thing
Akpors was a poor shoe
maker trying to get Ekiate
to love him,after series of
letters Ekiate finally
accepted,on the day they
met Akpors took her to
mr biggs and while eating
the conversation starts
Ekiate: baby
Akpors: yes dear
Ekiate: I want to ask you
for a favour
Akpors: go on dear I will
do anything for you you
know
Ekiate: baby I know, but
are you sure you will
grant me my wish?
Akpors: comon ask
Ekiate: I want to buy bb
porsche
Akpors: And how much
does it cost?
Ekiate: its just a small
token of about 350k
Akpors: wow I never
knew it was so cheap.
Please excuse me dear I
want to go and ease
myself
Ekiate: please baby be fast
ok
Akpors: no problem dear
( to himself) na 350k them
take they buy phone na
your papa still they soak
garri idiot.
Akpors walks out and
quickly runs out of the
eatery leaving a bill of 10k
for Ekaite to pay#lwkmd#
One word for Akpors
maker trying to get Ekiate
to love him,after series of
letters Ekiate finally
accepted,on the day they
met Akpors took her to
mr biggs and while eating
the conversation starts
Ekiate: baby
Akpors: yes dear
Ekiate: I want to ask you
for a favour
Akpors: go on dear I will
do anything for you you
know
Ekiate: baby I know, but
are you sure you will
grant me my wish?
Akpors: comon ask
Ekiate: I want to buy bb
porsche
Akpors: And how much
does it cost?
Ekiate: its just a small
token of about 350k
Akpors: wow I never
knew it was so cheap.
Please excuse me dear I
want to go and ease
myself
Ekiate: please baby be fast
ok
Akpors: no problem dear
( to himself) na 350k them
take they buy phone na
your papa still they soak
garri idiot.
Akpors walks out and
quickly runs out of the
eatery leaving a bill of 10k
for Ekaite to pay#lwkmd#
One word for Akpors
Akpors +20
Akpors: Dad,whats the
difference between
'potential' and 'reality'?
Dad turns to wife: would
you sleep with George W.
Bush for $1 million?
Wife: Of course, I will
never waste that
opportunity.
Dad turns to daughter:
Would you sleep with Brat
Pitt fo $1 million?
Daughter: Yes! He is my
fantasy.
Dad turns to elder son:
Would you sleep with
Tom Cruise for $1 million?
Eldest son: Why not?
Imagine what I would do
with that money.
Dad turns to his youngest
son Akpors : You see
son, 'potentially' we are
sitting with multi
millionaires BUT in 'reality'
we are sitting with two
prostitutes and one Gay
idiot
difference between
'potential' and 'reality'?
Dad turns to wife: would
you sleep with George W.
Bush for $1 million?
Wife: Of course, I will
never waste that
opportunity.
Dad turns to daughter:
Would you sleep with Brat
Pitt fo $1 million?
Daughter: Yes! He is my
fantasy.
Dad turns to elder son:
Would you sleep with
Tom Cruise for $1 million?
Eldest son: Why not?
Imagine what I would do
with that money.
Dad turns to his youngest
son Akpors : You see
son, 'potentially' we are
sitting with multi
millionaires BUT in 'reality'
we are sitting with two
prostitutes and one Gay
idiot
small guy with big sense
Akpors sits next to a girl
on a table in a hotel
Akpors: hello madam?
Lady: what is it?
Akpors: sorry madam ,
just wanted to ask what
the time is on your
watch?
Lady: ehee …now you
think my watch is used as
a public clock huh? Go
away and stop wasting
my time
Akpors: but madam
Lady: shut up!!!
Akpors takes out his
Apple phone and makes
call
Akpors: hello John I just
settled from Washington
D.C can you please tell me
what time it is right now
so that I set my clock to
the local time since it still
reads American time?
*she listens*
Ok, thank you and today
don’t forget to come for
the galaxy tablet that you
requested * she listens*
Since my girl is still in
America bring me a
beautiful girl to spend my
money with tonight Ok
bye
Lady: sir the time is ….
Akpors: shut up !!!!!
on a table in a hotel
Akpors: hello madam?
Lady: what is it?
Akpors: sorry madam ,
just wanted to ask what
the time is on your
watch?
Lady: ehee …now you
think my watch is used as
a public clock huh? Go
away and stop wasting
my time
Akpors: but madam
Lady: shut up!!!
Akpors takes out his
Apple phone and makes
call
Akpors: hello John I just
settled from Washington
D.C can you please tell me
what time it is right now
so that I set my clock to
the local time since it still
reads American time?
*she listens*
Ok, thank you and today
don’t forget to come for
the galaxy tablet that you
requested * she listens*
Since my girl is still in
America bring me a
beautiful girl to spend my
money with tonight Ok
bye
Lady: sir the time is ….
Akpors: shut up !!!!!
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