AKPOS AND CHICHI
Baby U know what???
Hmmm I went to WARRI
recently if u see d name of
churches, Ha! SWeet Heart
even Satan sef dey fear.
Make i yarn u:
u will see somtin like..
1. Nak ur pako 4 Satan
head Ministrial Church of
Fire.
2. Satan ur own don
kpafuka evangelical
ministry.
3. Operation carry devil
nack 4 ground Bible
ministry.
5. The Atomic Bomb Bible
Brigadier Barack Ministry.
AKA shoot d devil make
im eye clear.
6. Satan Watin we do u
Evangelical churchof God
Aka
Satan leave us jeje.
7. Operation No luk uche
Face Biblical Church of
Christ. Aka Slap satan face
ministry.
8. Pay ur Tithe and offerin
church of God. AKA pay
ur
tithe and win generator
gospel.
9. SATAN If u try me u go
hear ween Prayer
ministry.
10. Satan chop make i
chop Bible Assembly.
Aka we no dey find Satan
trouble ministry.
I was shock beyond
recognitn when i saw dis
name.
Hahahahaha
just scroll down...
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
,
Boko Haram Prayer
Ministry Aka Devil u go
fear fear.
Na Den I Tear RACE Enter
LAG In 30 Minutes.
Tuesday 10 December 2013
Saturday 16 November 2013
funny
Jack strode into ‘John’s
Stable’ looking to buy a
horse. “Listen here” said
John, “I’ve got just the
horse your looking for,
the only thing is, he was
trained by an interesting
fellow. He doesn’t go and
stop the usual way. The
way to get him to stop is
to scream heyhey the
way to get him to go is to
scream Thank God.
Jim nodded his head, “fine
with me, can I take him
for a test run?”
Jim was having the time
of his life this horse sure
could run he thought to
himself. Jim was speeding
down the dirt road when
he suddenly saw a cliff up
ahead “stop!” screamed
Jim, but the horse kept on
going. No matter how
much he tried he could
not remember the words
to get it to stop. “yoyo”
screamed Jim but the
horse just kept on
speeding ahead. It was 5
feet from the cliff when
Jim suddenly
remembered “heyhey!”
Jim screamed. The horse
skidded to a halt just 1
inch from the cliff.
Jim could not believe his
good fortune, he looked
up to the sky, raise his
hands in the air, breathed
a deep sigh of relief and
said with conviction
“Thank God.”
Rate this Joke!
Stable’ looking to buy a
horse. “Listen here” said
John, “I’ve got just the
horse your looking for,
the only thing is, he was
trained by an interesting
fellow. He doesn’t go and
stop the usual way. The
way to get him to stop is
to scream heyhey the
way to get him to go is to
scream Thank God.
Jim nodded his head, “fine
with me, can I take him
for a test run?”
Jim was having the time
of his life this horse sure
could run he thought to
himself. Jim was speeding
down the dirt road when
he suddenly saw a cliff up
ahead “stop!” screamed
Jim, but the horse kept on
going. No matter how
much he tried he could
not remember the words
to get it to stop. “yoyo”
screamed Jim but the
horse just kept on
speeding ahead. It was 5
feet from the cliff when
Jim suddenly
remembered “heyhey!”
Jim screamed. The horse
skidded to a halt just 1
inch from the cliff.
Jim could not believe his
good fortune, he looked
up to the sky, raise his
hands in the air, breathed
a deep sigh of relief and
said with conviction
“Thank God.”
Rate this Joke!
WELCOME TO THE LATEST TUTORIALS BLOG: HOW TO VIEW YOUR 2GO STAR PROGRESS WHEN IN MASTER
WELCOME TO THE LATEST TUTORIALS BLOG: HOW TO VIEW YOUR 2GO STAR PROGRESS WHEN IN MASTER: This not a trick, just The common 2go version (3.0.5 or3.5) has no feature to view 2go star progress when you are in master but when you are...
Tuesday 1 October 2013
NIGERIA @53
From the depths of my
heart, I wish to say a very big
HAPPY 53rd
Independence Day to My
Beloved country NIGERIA!Wishing
all Nigerians happy
celebrations, and a
wonderful new month of
great fulfillment.
we shall match forward ever,and backward
NEVER! God bless NIGERIA!
heart, I wish to say a very big
HAPPY 53rd
Independence Day to My
Beloved country NIGERIA!Wishing
all Nigerians happy
celebrations, and a
wonderful new month of
great fulfillment.
we shall match forward ever,and backward
NEVER! God bless NIGERIA!
Saturday 28 September 2013
Color Change: Color Change
Color Change: Color Change: We have Facebook Layouts that you can apply to your Facebook Profile. These are like Myspace Layouts where your whole Facebook Backgrou...
Saturday 21 September 2013
joke
A guy joins a monastery
and takes a vow of
silence: he’s allowed to
say two words every
seven years. After the
first seven years, the
elders bring him in and
ask for his two words.
"Cold floors," he says.
They nod and send him
away. Seven more years
pass. They bring him
back in and ask for his
two words. He clears his
throats and says, "Bad
food." They nod and
send him away. Seven
more years pass. They
bring him in for his two
words. "I quit," he says.
"That’s not surprising,"
the elders say. "You’ve
done nothing but
complain since you got
here."
and takes a vow of
silence: he’s allowed to
say two words every
seven years. After the
first seven years, the
elders bring him in and
ask for his two words.
"Cold floors," he says.
They nod and send him
away. Seven more years
pass. They bring him
back in and ask for his
two words. He clears his
throats and says, "Bad
food." They nod and
send him away. Seven
more years pass. They
bring him in for his two
words. "I quit," he says.
"That’s not surprising,"
the elders say. "You’ve
done nothing but
complain since you got
here."
story
I was walking across a
bridge one day, and I
saw a man standing on
the edge, about to jump
off. So I ran over and
said "Stop! Don't do it!"
"Why shouldn't I?" he
said. "Well, there's so
much to live for!" "Like
what?" "Well... are you
religious?" He said yes. I
said, "Me too! Are you
Christian or Buddhist?"
"Christian." "Me too! Are
you Catholic or
Protestant ? "Protestant."
"Me too! Are you
Episcopalian or Baptist?"
"Baptist" "Wow! Me too!
Are you Baptist Church of
God or Baptist Church of
the Lord?" "Baptist
Church of God!" "Me too!
Are you original Baptist
Church of God, or are
you reformed Baptist
Church of God?"
"Reformed Baptist Church
of God!" "Me too! Are you
Reformed Baptist Church
of God, reformation of
1879, or Reformed
Baptist Church of God,
reformation of 1915?" He
said, "Reformed Baptist
Church of God,
reformation of 1915!" I
said, "Die, heretic scum",
and pushed him off.
(Emo Philips)
bridge one day, and I
saw a man standing on
the edge, about to jump
off. So I ran over and
said "Stop! Don't do it!"
"Why shouldn't I?" he
said. "Well, there's so
much to live for!" "Like
what?" "Well... are you
religious?" He said yes. I
said, "Me too! Are you
Christian or Buddhist?"
"Christian." "Me too! Are
you Catholic or
Protestant ? "Protestant."
"Me too! Are you
Episcopalian or Baptist?"
"Baptist" "Wow! Me too!
Are you Baptist Church of
God or Baptist Church of
the Lord?" "Baptist
Church of God!" "Me too!
Are you original Baptist
Church of God, or are
you reformed Baptist
Church of God?"
"Reformed Baptist Church
of God!" "Me too! Are you
Reformed Baptist Church
of God, reformation of
1879, or Reformed
Baptist Church of God,
reformation of 1915?" He
said, "Reformed Baptist
Church of God,
reformation of 1915!" I
said, "Die, heretic scum",
and pushed him off.
(Emo Philips)
labs
A guy dies and is sent to
Hell. Satan meets him,
shows him doors to
three rooms, and says he
must choose one to
spend eternity in. In the
first room, people are
standing in shit up to
their necks. The guy says
"no, let me see the next
room." In the second
room, people are
standing with shit up to
their noses. Guy says no
again. Finally, Satan
opens the door to the
third room. People are
standing with shit up to
their knees, drinking
coffee and eating danish
pastries. The guy says, "I
pick this room." Satan
says okay and starts to
leave, and the guy wades
in and starts pouring
some coffee. On the way
out Satan yells, "O.K.,
coffee break's over.
Everyone back on your
heads!"
Hell. Satan meets him,
shows him doors to
three rooms, and says he
must choose one to
spend eternity in. In the
first room, people are
standing in shit up to
their necks. The guy says
"no, let me see the next
room." In the second
room, people are
standing with shit up to
their noses. Guy says no
again. Finally, Satan
opens the door to the
third room. People are
standing with shit up to
their knees, drinking
coffee and eating danish
pastries. The guy says, "I
pick this room." Satan
says okay and starts to
leave, and the guy wades
in and starts pouring
some coffee. On the way
out Satan yells, "O.K.,
coffee break's over.
Everyone back on your
heads!"
Two campers
Two campers are
walking through the
woods when a huge
brown bear suddenly
appears in the clearing
about 50 feet in front of
them. The bear sees the
campers and begins to
head toward them. The
first guys drops his
backpack, digs out a pair
of sneakers, and
frantically begins to put
them on. The second
guys says, "What are
you doing? Sneakers
won’t help you outrun
that bear." "I don't need
to outrun the bear," the
first guy says. "I just
need to outrun you."
walking through the
woods when a huge
brown bear suddenly
appears in the clearing
about 50 feet in front of
them. The bear sees the
campers and begins to
head toward them. The
first guys drops his
backpack, digs out a pair
of sneakers, and
frantically begins to put
them on. The second
guys says, "What are
you doing? Sneakers
won’t help you outrun
that bear." "I don't need
to outrun the bear," the
first guy says. "I just
need to outrun you."
Talks
A guy is sitting at home
when he hears a knock at
the door. He opens the
door and sees a snail on
the porch. He picks up
the snail and throws it as
far as he can. Three years
later, there’s a knock on
the door. He opens it and
sees the same snail. The
snail says "What the hell
was that all about?"
when he hears a knock at
the door. He opens the
door and sees a snail on
the porch. He picks up
the snail and throws it as
far as he can. Three years
later, there’s a knock on
the door. He opens it and
sees the same snail. The
snail says "What the hell
was that all about?"
A guy has a talking dog
A guy has a talking dog.
He brings it to a talent
scout. "This dog can
speak English," he claims
to the unimpressed
agent. "Okay, Sport," the
guys says to the dog,
"what’s on the top of a
house?" "Roof!" the dog
replies. "Oh, come on..."
the talent agent responds.
"All dogs go ‘roof’." "No,
wait," the guy says. He
asks the dog "what does
sandpaper feel like?"
"Rough!" the dog
answers. The talent agent
gives a condescending
blank stare. He is losing
his patience. "No, hang
on," the guy says. "This
one will amaze you. " He
turns and asks the dog:
"Who, in your opinion,
was the greatest baseball
player of all time?" "Ruth!"
goes the dog. And the
talent scout, having seen
enough, boots them out
of his office onto the
street. And the dog turns
to the guy and says
"Maybe I shoulda said
DiMaggio?"
He brings it to a talent
scout. "This dog can
speak English," he claims
to the unimpressed
agent. "Okay, Sport," the
guys says to the dog,
"what’s on the top of a
house?" "Roof!" the dog
replies. "Oh, come on..."
the talent agent responds.
"All dogs go ‘roof’." "No,
wait," the guy says. He
asks the dog "what does
sandpaper feel like?"
"Rough!" the dog
answers. The talent agent
gives a condescending
blank stare. He is losing
his patience. "No, hang
on," the guy says. "This
one will amaze you. " He
turns and asks the dog:
"Who, in your opinion,
was the greatest baseball
player of all time?" "Ruth!"
goes the dog. And the
talent scout, having seen
enough, boots them out
of his office onto the
street. And the dog turns
to the guy and says
"Maybe I shoulda said
DiMaggio?"
A guy meets a hooker in the bar
A guy meets a hooker in
a bar. She says, "This is
your lucky night. I’ve got
a special game for you.
I’ll do absolutely anything
you want for $300, as
long as you can say it in
three words." The guy
replies, "Hey, why not?"
He pull his wallet out of
his pocket, and one at a
time lays three hundred-
dollar bills on the bar, and
says, slowly: "Paint…
my…house."
a bar. She says, "This is
your lucky night. I’ve got
a special game for you.
I’ll do absolutely anything
you want for $300, as
long as you can say it in
three words." The guy
replies, "Hey, why not?"
He pull his wallet out of
his pocket, and one at a
time lays three hundred-
dollar bills on the bar, and
says, slowly: "Paint…
my…house."
the transport
On a passenger flight, the
pilot comes over the
public address system as
usual and to greet the
passengers. He tells them
at what altitude they’ll be
flying, the expected
arrival time, and a bit
about the weather, and
advises them to relax and
have a good flight.. Then,
forgetting to turn off the
microphone, he says to
his co-pilot, "What would
relax me right now is a
cup of coffee and a
blowjob." All the
passengers hear it. As a
stewardess immediately
begins to run toward the
cockpit to tell the pilot of
his slip-up, one of the
passengers stops her and
says "Don’t forget the
coffee!"
pilot comes over the
public address system as
usual and to greet the
passengers. He tells them
at what altitude they’ll be
flying, the expected
arrival time, and a bit
about the weather, and
advises them to relax and
have a good flight.. Then,
forgetting to turn off the
microphone, he says to
his co-pilot, "What would
relax me right now is a
cup of coffee and a
blowjob." All the
passengers hear it. As a
stewardess immediately
begins to run toward the
cockpit to tell the pilot of
his slip-up, one of the
passengers stops her and
says "Don’t forget the
coffee!"
joke
A guy enters a bar
carrying an alligator. Says
to the patrons, "Here’s a
deal. I'll open this
alligator's mouth and
place my genitals inside.
The gator will close his
mouth for one minute,
then open it, and I'll
remove my unit
unscathed. If it works,
everyone buys me
drinks." The crowd
agrees. The guy drops
his pants and puts his
privates in the gator's
mouth. Gator closes
mouth. After a minute,
the guy grabs a beer
bottle and bangs the
gator on the top of its
head. The gator opens
wide, and he removes
his genitals unscathed.
Everyone buys him
drinks. Then he says: "I'll
pay anyone $100 who's
willing to give it a try."
After a while, a hand
goes up in the back of the
bar. It's a woman. "I'll
give it a try," she says,
"but you have to promise
not to hit me on the head
with the beer bottle."
carrying an alligator. Says
to the patrons, "Here’s a
deal. I'll open this
alligator's mouth and
place my genitals inside.
The gator will close his
mouth for one minute,
then open it, and I'll
remove my unit
unscathed. If it works,
everyone buys me
drinks." The crowd
agrees. The guy drops
his pants and puts his
privates in the gator's
mouth. Gator closes
mouth. After a minute,
the guy grabs a beer
bottle and bangs the
gator on the top of its
head. The gator opens
wide, and he removes
his genitals unscathed.
Everyone buys him
drinks. Then he says: "I'll
pay anyone $100 who's
willing to give it a try."
After a while, a hand
goes up in the back of the
bar. It's a woman. "I'll
give it a try," she says,
"but you have to promise
not to hit me on the head
with the beer bottle."
three kids
Three kids come down to
the kitchen and sit around
the breakfast table. The
mother asks the oldest
boy what he’d like to eat.
"I’ll have some fuckin’
French toast," he says.
The mother is outraged
at his language, hits him,
and sends him upstairs.
She asks the middle child
what he wants. "Well, I
guess that leaves more
fuckin’ French toast for
me," he says. She is livid,
smacks him, and sends
him away. Finally she
asks the youngest son
what he wants for
breakfast. "I don’t know,"
he says meekly, "but I
definitely don’t want the
fuckin’ French toast."
the kitchen and sit around
the breakfast table. The
mother asks the oldest
boy what he’d like to eat.
"I’ll have some fuckin’
French toast," he says.
The mother is outraged
at his language, hits him,
and sends him upstairs.
She asks the middle child
what he wants. "Well, I
guess that leaves more
fuckin’ French toast for
me," he says. She is livid,
smacks him, and sends
him away. Finally she
asks the youngest son
what he wants for
breakfast. "I don’t know,"
he says meekly, "but I
definitely don’t want the
fuckin’ French toast."
jokes
Two campers are hiking
in the woods when one
is bitten on the rear end
by a rattlesnake. "I’ll go
into town for a doctor,"
the other says. He runs
ten miles to a small town
and finds the town’s only
doctor, who is delivering
a baby. "I can’t leave," the
doctor says. ‘But here’s
what to do. Take a knife,
cut a little X where the
bite is, suck out the
poison and spit it on the
ground." The guy ruins
back to his friend, who is
in agony. ‘What did the
doctor say?" the victim
asks. "He says you’re
gonna die."
in the woods when one
is bitten on the rear end
by a rattlesnake. "I’ll go
into town for a doctor,"
the other says. He runs
ten miles to a small town
and finds the town’s only
doctor, who is delivering
a baby. "I can’t leave," the
doctor says. ‘But here’s
what to do. Take a knife,
cut a little X where the
bite is, suck out the
poison and spit it on the
ground." The guy ruins
back to his friend, who is
in agony. ‘What did the
doctor say?" the victim
asks. "He says you’re
gonna die."
the game
It's Game 7 of the Stanley
Cup Final, and a man
makes his way to his seat
right at center ice. He sits
down, noticing that the
seat next to him is
empty. He leans over and
asks his neighbor if
someone will be sitting
there. "No" says the
neighbor. "The seat is
empty." "This is
incredible," said the man.
"Who in their right mind
would have a seat like
this for the Stanley Cup
and not use it?" The
neighbor says, "Well,
actually, the seat belongs
to me. I was supposed to
come with my wife, but
she passed away. This is
the first Stanley Cup we
haven't been to together
since we got married."
"Oh, I'm so sorry to hear
that. That's terrible... But
couldn't you find
someone else, a friend or
relative, or even a
neighbor to take the
seat?" The man shakes
his head. "No,” he says.
“They're all at the
funeral."
Cup Final, and a man
makes his way to his seat
right at center ice. He sits
down, noticing that the
seat next to him is
empty. He leans over and
asks his neighbor if
someone will be sitting
there. "No" says the
neighbor. "The seat is
empty." "This is
incredible," said the man.
"Who in their right mind
would have a seat like
this for the Stanley Cup
and not use it?" The
neighbor says, "Well,
actually, the seat belongs
to me. I was supposed to
come with my wife, but
she passed away. This is
the first Stanley Cup we
haven't been to together
since we got married."
"Oh, I'm so sorry to hear
that. That's terrible... But
couldn't you find
someone else, a friend or
relative, or even a
neighbor to take the
seat?" The man shakes
his head. "No,” he says.
“They're all at the
funeral."
stranded guys
Three guys, stranded on
a desert island, find a
magic lantern containing
a genie, who grants them
each one wish. The first
guy wishes he was off
the island and back
home. The second guy
wishes the same. The
third guy says "I’m
lonely. I wish my friends
were back here."
a desert island, find a
magic lantern containing
a genie, who grants them
each one wish. The first
guy wishes he was off
the island and back
home. The second guy
wishes the same. The
third guy says "I’m
lonely. I wish my friends
were back here."
jokes
A newlywed couple
moves into their new
house. One day the
husband comes home
from work and his wife
says, "Honey, you know,
in the upstairs bathroom
one of the pipes is
leaking, could you fix it?"
The husband says,
"What do I look like, Mr.
Plumber?" A few days go
by, and he comes home
from work and his wife
says, "Honey, the car
won't start. I think it
needs a new battery.
Could you change it for
me?" He says: "What do I
look like, Mr.
Goodwrench?" Another
few days go by, and it's
raining pretty hard. The
wife finds a leak in the
roof. She says, "Honey,
there's a leak on the roof!
Can you please fix it?" He
says, "What do I look
like, Bob Vila?" The next
day the husband comes
home, and the roof is
fixed. So is the plumbing.
So is the car. He asks his
wife what happened.
"Oh, I had a handyman
come in and fix them,"
she says. "Great! How
much is that going to
cost me?" he snarls. Wife
says: "Nothing. He said
he'd do it for free if I
either baked him a cake
or slept with him." "Uh,
well, what kind of cake
did you make?" asks the
husband. "What do I look
like," she says, "Betty
Crocker?"
moves into their new
house. One day the
husband comes home
from work and his wife
says, "Honey, you know,
in the upstairs bathroom
one of the pipes is
leaking, could you fix it?"
The husband says,
"What do I look like, Mr.
Plumber?" A few days go
by, and he comes home
from work and his wife
says, "Honey, the car
won't start. I think it
needs a new battery.
Could you change it for
me?" He says: "What do I
look like, Mr.
Goodwrench?" Another
few days go by, and it's
raining pretty hard. The
wife finds a leak in the
roof. She says, "Honey,
there's a leak on the roof!
Can you please fix it?" He
says, "What do I look
like, Bob Vila?" The next
day the husband comes
home, and the roof is
fixed. So is the plumbing.
So is the car. He asks his
wife what happened.
"Oh, I had a handyman
come in and fix them,"
she says. "Great! How
much is that going to
cost me?" he snarls. Wife
says: "Nothing. He said
he'd do it for free if I
either baked him a cake
or slept with him." "Uh,
well, what kind of cake
did you make?" asks the
husband. "What do I look
like," she says, "Betty
Crocker?"
jokes
A man and his wife go to
their honeymoon hotel for
their 25th anniversary. As
the couple reflected on
that magical evening 25
years ago, the wife asked
the husband, "When you
first saw my naked body
in front of you, what was
going through your
mind?"
The husband replied, "All I
wanted to do was to ****
your brains out, and suck
your **** dry."
Then, as the wife
undressed, she asked,
"What are you thinking
now?"
He replied, "It looks as if I
did a pretty good job."
------------------------------
------------------------------
--------------------
As an airplane is about to
crash, a female passenger
jumps up frantically and
announces, "If I'm going
to die, I want to die feeling
like a woman."
She removes all her
clothing and asks, "Is
there someone on this
plane who is man enough
to make me feel like a
woman?"
A man stands up,
removes his shirt and
says, "Here, iron this!".
------------------------------
------------------------------
--------------------
One morning a woman
was walking out of her
front door, when she
notices a strange little man
at the bottom of her
garden.
"You're a goblin," she
says, "I caught you and
you owe me three
wishes!". So the goblin
replies "OK, you caught
me fair and square,
what's your first wish?".
The woman stops and
thinks for a second, "I
want a huge mansion to
live in.", goblins replies
"OK, you've got it.".
Woman again thinks it
over, "My second wish is
a Mercedes." "OK, you've
got that too." "My last
wish is a million dollars!".
The goblin then says "OK,
you've got it. But to make
your wishes come true
you have to have sex all
night with me." "OK then,
if that's what it takes..."
Next morning the little
man wakes the woman
up.
"Tell me," says the man,
"how old are you?" "I'm
27", she replies
"**** me", says the man,
"27 and you still believe in
goblins"
------------------------------
------------------------------
--------------------
The newlyweds are in
their honeymoon room
and the groom decides to
let the bride know where
she stands right from the
start of the marriage.
He proceeds to take off his
trousers and throw them
at her. He says, "Put those
on."
The bride replies, "I can't
wear your trousers."
He replies, "And don't
forget that! I will always
wear the pants in the
family!"
The bride takes off her
knickers and throws them
at him with the same
request, "Try those on!"
He replies,"I can't get into
your knickers!"
"And you never bloody
will if you don't change
your attitude."
------------------------------
------------------------------
--------------------
How are women and
tornadoes alike?
They both moan like hell
when they come, and
take the house when they
leave.
------------------------------
------------------------------
--------------------
There was an elderly man
who wanted to make his
younger wife pregnant.
So, he went to the doctor
to have a sperm count
done. The doctor told him
to take a specimen cup
home, fill it, and bring it
back the next day. The
elderly man came back
the next day and the
specimen cup was empty
and the lid was on it.
Doctor: What was the
problem? Elderly man:
Well, you I tried with my
right hand...nothing. So, I
tried with my left
hand...nothing. My wife
tried with her right
hand...nothing. Her left
hand...nothing. Her
mouth...nothing. Then
my wife's friend tried.
Right hand, left hand,
mouth....still nothing.
Doctor: Wait a minute.
You mean your wife's
friend too?! Elderly man:
Yeah, and we still couldn't
get the lid off of the
specimen cup.
------------------------------
------------------------------
--------------------
A guy walks into a sperm
donor bank wearing a ski
mask and holding a gun.
He goes up to the nurse
and demands her to open
the sperm bank vault. She
says "But sir, its just a
sperm bank!", "I don't
care, open it now!!!" he
replies. So she opens the
door to the vault and
inside are all the sperm
samples. The guy says
"Take one of those sperm
samples and drink it!", she
looks at him "BUT, they
are sperm samples???" ,
"DO IT!". So the nurse
sucks it back. "That one
there, drink that one as
well.", so the nurse drinks
that one as well. Finally
after 4 samples the man
takes off his ski mask and
says, "See honey - its not
that hard."
their honeymoon hotel for
their 25th anniversary. As
the couple reflected on
that magical evening 25
years ago, the wife asked
the husband, "When you
first saw my naked body
in front of you, what was
going through your
mind?"
The husband replied, "All I
wanted to do was to ****
your brains out, and suck
your **** dry."
Then, as the wife
undressed, she asked,
"What are you thinking
now?"
He replied, "It looks as if I
did a pretty good job."
------------------------------
------------------------------
--------------------
As an airplane is about to
crash, a female passenger
jumps up frantically and
announces, "If I'm going
to die, I want to die feeling
like a woman."
She removes all her
clothing and asks, "Is
there someone on this
plane who is man enough
to make me feel like a
woman?"
A man stands up,
removes his shirt and
says, "Here, iron this!".
------------------------------
------------------------------
--------------------
One morning a woman
was walking out of her
front door, when she
notices a strange little man
at the bottom of her
garden.
"You're a goblin," she
says, "I caught you and
you owe me three
wishes!". So the goblin
replies "OK, you caught
me fair and square,
what's your first wish?".
The woman stops and
thinks for a second, "I
want a huge mansion to
live in.", goblins replies
"OK, you've got it.".
Woman again thinks it
over, "My second wish is
a Mercedes." "OK, you've
got that too." "My last
wish is a million dollars!".
The goblin then says "OK,
you've got it. But to make
your wishes come true
you have to have sex all
night with me." "OK then,
if that's what it takes..."
Next morning the little
man wakes the woman
up.
"Tell me," says the man,
"how old are you?" "I'm
27", she replies
"**** me", says the man,
"27 and you still believe in
goblins"
------------------------------
------------------------------
--------------------
The newlyweds are in
their honeymoon room
and the groom decides to
let the bride know where
she stands right from the
start of the marriage.
He proceeds to take off his
trousers and throw them
at her. He says, "Put those
on."
The bride replies, "I can't
wear your trousers."
He replies, "And don't
forget that! I will always
wear the pants in the
family!"
The bride takes off her
knickers and throws them
at him with the same
request, "Try those on!"
He replies,"I can't get into
your knickers!"
"And you never bloody
will if you don't change
your attitude."
------------------------------
------------------------------
--------------------
How are women and
tornadoes alike?
They both moan like hell
when they come, and
take the house when they
leave.
------------------------------
------------------------------
--------------------
There was an elderly man
who wanted to make his
younger wife pregnant.
So, he went to the doctor
to have a sperm count
done. The doctor told him
to take a specimen cup
home, fill it, and bring it
back the next day. The
elderly man came back
the next day and the
specimen cup was empty
and the lid was on it.
Doctor: What was the
problem? Elderly man:
Well, you I tried with my
right hand...nothing. So, I
tried with my left
hand...nothing. My wife
tried with her right
hand...nothing. Her left
hand...nothing. Her
mouth...nothing. Then
my wife's friend tried.
Right hand, left hand,
mouth....still nothing.
Doctor: Wait a minute.
You mean your wife's
friend too?! Elderly man:
Yeah, and we still couldn't
get the lid off of the
specimen cup.
------------------------------
------------------------------
--------------------
A guy walks into a sperm
donor bank wearing a ski
mask and holding a gun.
He goes up to the nurse
and demands her to open
the sperm bank vault. She
says "But sir, its just a
sperm bank!", "I don't
care, open it now!!!" he
replies. So she opens the
door to the vault and
inside are all the sperm
samples. The guy says
"Take one of those sperm
samples and drink it!", she
looks at him "BUT, they
are sperm samples???" ,
"DO IT!". So the nurse
sucks it back. "That one
there, drink that one as
well.", so the nurse drinks
that one as well. Finally
after 4 samples the man
takes off his ski mask and
says, "See honey - its not
that hard."
Friday 20 September 2013
Wednesday 18 September 2013
Welcome to Linda Ikeji's Blog: New Video: NED - Give Me Something
Welcome to Linda Ikeji's Blog: New Video: NED - Give Me Something: NED drops another video plus audio as a follow up single titled "Give Me Something" after "We Run The Show", which enjo...
Sunday 15 September 2013
premier league
Southampton hold
West Ham to a draw
15 Sep 2013 19:18:24
Southampton and West
Ham United cancelled
each other out in a dismal
0-0 draw in the Premier
League on Sunday.
On a bleak day by the
south coast neither side
possessed much attacking
quality although it was
Southampton who carved
out the better
opportunities.
West Ham's veteran
Finnish keeper Jussi
Jaaskelainen made a
couple of fine saves, one
to deny England striker
Rickie Lambert in the
closing stages and
another to keep out
Morgan Schneiderlin's
skidding volley.
The visitors nearly
snatched an unlikely
victory late on but James
Collins showed why he is
a central defender not a
centre forward by blazing
a shot over the bar when
unmarked in the centre of
the penalty area.
Both sides have five
points from their opening
four games although a
lack of goals will be a
worry, especially for West
Ham who are likely to be
without striker Andy
Carroll for several weeks
with a foot injury.
The weekend's fixtures
conclude on Monday
when Liverpool try and
maintain the only 100
percent record in the
Premier League with an
away match at Swansea
City.
West Ham to a draw
15 Sep 2013 19:18:24
Southampton and West
Ham United cancelled
each other out in a dismal
0-0 draw in the Premier
League on Sunday.
On a bleak day by the
south coast neither side
possessed much attacking
quality although it was
Southampton who carved
out the better
opportunities.
West Ham's veteran
Finnish keeper Jussi
Jaaskelainen made a
couple of fine saves, one
to deny England striker
Rickie Lambert in the
closing stages and
another to keep out
Morgan Schneiderlin's
skidding volley.
The visitors nearly
snatched an unlikely
victory late on but James
Collins showed why he is
a central defender not a
centre forward by blazing
a shot over the bar when
unmarked in the centre of
the penalty area.
Both sides have five
points from their opening
four games although a
lack of goals will be a
worry, especially for West
Ham who are likely to be
without striker Andy
Carroll for several weeks
with a foot injury.
The weekend's fixtures
conclude on Monday
when Liverpool try and
maintain the only 100
percent record in the
Premier League with an
away match at Swansea
City.
Arsenal news
Wenger reveals Ozil
gamble
15 Sep 2013 08:32:06
Arsene Wenger revealed
he took a gamble in
handing a Premier League
debut to Mesut Ozil in
Arsenal's 3-1 win at
Sunderland.
The Arsenal manager's
high-risk strategy paid off
as the £43 million record
signing played a key role
in his English top flight
bow on Saturday.
Under-the-weather Ozil
almost missed out due to
a stomach bug, but he
was pressed into
immediate action far from
100 per cent fit, after his
high-profile move from
Real Madrid, due to
injuries to the depleted
Gunners' squad.
Ozil was taken off late on
after an impressive
introduction as two
second-half goals from
Wales midfielder Aaron
Ramsey helped seal
victory to make it three
wins from four games for
the Gunners.
After seeing his side
strengthen their place
among the early pace-
setters thanks to two
assists from his new
arrival, Wenger revealed:
"Mesut was like the team,
he had an outstanding
first-half and dropped
physically in the second.
"He was sick on Thursday
night and I only decided
this morning to play him
because he had a
stomach bug.
"His first-half performance
was outstanding but if
Santi Cazorla had been fit,
Ozil would have been on
the bench as he was sick
and I wouldn't have taken
a gamble otherwise."
Olivier Giroud, who
opened the scoring from
Ozil's pass, is a major
doubt for the midweek
Champions League trip to
Marseille with a knee
injury and Wenger
conceded he is likely to be
without Spanish
midfielder Cazorla until the
end of October.
The Frenchman added:
"Cazorla's ankle problem
means he will be out for a
few weeks. I don't think
he will play before the
next international break.
Giroud has a knee injury
and we are very thin
now."
Sunderland levelled
through substitute Craig
Gardner's penalty and
were denied a second
equaliser by a
controversial call from
referee Martin Atkinson to
rule-out a 'goal' for United
States international Jozy
Altidore.
The Black Cats are bottom
of the table after collecting
one point from the first
four games, head coach
Paolo Di Canio's
frustration compounded
as he was sent from his
technical area by Atkinson
at the death.
"The referee has the
power to wait and see
what happens with the
outcome of the incident
with Altidore. He made a
mistake. It's a key
moment and it's decided
the outcome of the
game," Di Canio said.
"I protested to him about
the amount of time he
was adding at the end of
the game. I was calm. I
said to him 'if you want to
complete a perfect day
today, then you only have
to send me off'."
Di Canio, who handed full
league debuts to Swansea
loan midfielder Ki Sung-
Yeung and Greece winger
Charis Mavrias, insisted
his 14 new summer
signings must be given
time to gel.
"We were too shy and
passive in the first half and
Arsenal were on top," he
added.
"But in the second half we
dominated for long spells
with determination, desire
and quality. If we can
continue to play like that
we can have a good
season.
"It's about playing like that
for sustained spells. We're
at the bottom after four
games but you can see
that we have quality in the
side."
gamble
15 Sep 2013 08:32:06
Arsene Wenger revealed
he took a gamble in
handing a Premier League
debut to Mesut Ozil in
Arsenal's 3-1 win at
Sunderland.
The Arsenal manager's
high-risk strategy paid off
as the £43 million record
signing played a key role
in his English top flight
bow on Saturday.
Under-the-weather Ozil
almost missed out due to
a stomach bug, but he
was pressed into
immediate action far from
100 per cent fit, after his
high-profile move from
Real Madrid, due to
injuries to the depleted
Gunners' squad.
Ozil was taken off late on
after an impressive
introduction as two
second-half goals from
Wales midfielder Aaron
Ramsey helped seal
victory to make it three
wins from four games for
the Gunners.
After seeing his side
strengthen their place
among the early pace-
setters thanks to two
assists from his new
arrival, Wenger revealed:
"Mesut was like the team,
he had an outstanding
first-half and dropped
physically in the second.
"He was sick on Thursday
night and I only decided
this morning to play him
because he had a
stomach bug.
"His first-half performance
was outstanding but if
Santi Cazorla had been fit,
Ozil would have been on
the bench as he was sick
and I wouldn't have taken
a gamble otherwise."
Olivier Giroud, who
opened the scoring from
Ozil's pass, is a major
doubt for the midweek
Champions League trip to
Marseille with a knee
injury and Wenger
conceded he is likely to be
without Spanish
midfielder Cazorla until the
end of October.
The Frenchman added:
"Cazorla's ankle problem
means he will be out for a
few weeks. I don't think
he will play before the
next international break.
Giroud has a knee injury
and we are very thin
now."
Sunderland levelled
through substitute Craig
Gardner's penalty and
were denied a second
equaliser by a
controversial call from
referee Martin Atkinson to
rule-out a 'goal' for United
States international Jozy
Altidore.
The Black Cats are bottom
of the table after collecting
one point from the first
four games, head coach
Paolo Di Canio's
frustration compounded
as he was sent from his
technical area by Atkinson
at the death.
"The referee has the
power to wait and see
what happens with the
outcome of the incident
with Altidore. He made a
mistake. It's a key
moment and it's decided
the outcome of the
game," Di Canio said.
"I protested to him about
the amount of time he
was adding at the end of
the game. I was calm. I
said to him 'if you want to
complete a perfect day
today, then you only have
to send me off'."
Di Canio, who handed full
league debuts to Swansea
loan midfielder Ki Sung-
Yeung and Greece winger
Charis Mavrias, insisted
his 14 new summer
signings must be given
time to gel.
"We were too shy and
passive in the first half and
Arsenal were on top," he
added.
"But in the second half we
dominated for long spells
with determination, desire
and quality. If we can
continue to play like that
we can have a good
season.
"It's about playing like that
for sustained spells. We're
at the bottom after four
games but you can see
that we have quality in the
side."
chelsea news
Mikel backs Eto'o to
recover
15 Sep 2013 14:58:35
Chelsea midfielder Jon Obi
Mikel insists Cameroon
striker Samuel Eto'o will
bounce back quickly after
his disappointing debut.
Eto'o endured a frustrating
first taste of the Premier
League as he missed
several chances in
Chelsea's 1-0 defeat at
Everton on Saturday.
After two seasons with
Russian side Anzhi
Makhachkala, the 32-year-
old looked well short of
the sharpness required to
thrive in the English top-
flight, but Nigeria
midfielder Mikel predicts it
will not be long before
Eto'o is striking fear into
defences again.
"Samuel is a great player,
a fantastic player. You
could see the way he
played, he created some
fantastic chances," Mikel
said.
"That is why the manager
brought him in.
Obviously he has a lot of
trust and belief in him.
"Let's wait and see, the
English league is very
difficult to adapt to and
this was the first game for
him and he has done
pretty well.
"Chelsea was my first real
professional club and it
took me six months to a
year to adapt, but I think
someone like Eto'o, who
is well experienced and
has played in so many
leagues, won't take very
long.
"I think he looked a bit
sharp so it won't take him
long to get back into his
fitness.
"He is a world-class
player, a fantastic guy.
We just have to keep
playing with him and
helping him to adapt to
the Premier League.
"He tries to give his
experience so we have to
keep working with him,
keep playing with him and
trying to help him to fit
in."
Eto'o's debut could have
got off to the perfect start
after only five minutes but
he directed a close-range
header from Ramires's
cross wastefully wide.
More embarrassingly for
the former Barcelona and
Inter Milan star, he then
ballooned one shot into
the upper tier of the stand
behind the goal.
He would have scored
into an open net had
Everton's own debutant
Gareth Barry not slid in to
rescue goalkeeper Tim
Howard's blushes when,
in trying to pass sideways
out of his six-yard area,
he picked out Andre
Schurrle.
Those misses were key
moments as Chelsea lost
for the first time in the
league since Jose
Mourinho's return to
Stamford Bridge, but Mikel
believes the team will hit
back in Wednesday's
Champions League
opener against Basle.
"It is about how we
bounce back. Sometimes
when you know what
you've done wrong it is
easy to bounce back,"
Mikel said.
"We need to go back to
training and try to find out
what we didn't do –
although everyone knows
what we didn't do, we
didn't score goals."
recover
15 Sep 2013 14:58:35
Chelsea midfielder Jon Obi
Mikel insists Cameroon
striker Samuel Eto'o will
bounce back quickly after
his disappointing debut.
Eto'o endured a frustrating
first taste of the Premier
League as he missed
several chances in
Chelsea's 1-0 defeat at
Everton on Saturday.
After two seasons with
Russian side Anzhi
Makhachkala, the 32-year-
old looked well short of
the sharpness required to
thrive in the English top-
flight, but Nigeria
midfielder Mikel predicts it
will not be long before
Eto'o is striking fear into
defences again.
"Samuel is a great player,
a fantastic player. You
could see the way he
played, he created some
fantastic chances," Mikel
said.
"That is why the manager
brought him in.
Obviously he has a lot of
trust and belief in him.
"Let's wait and see, the
English league is very
difficult to adapt to and
this was the first game for
him and he has done
pretty well.
"Chelsea was my first real
professional club and it
took me six months to a
year to adapt, but I think
someone like Eto'o, who
is well experienced and
has played in so many
leagues, won't take very
long.
"I think he looked a bit
sharp so it won't take him
long to get back into his
fitness.
"He is a world-class
player, a fantastic guy.
We just have to keep
playing with him and
helping him to adapt to
the Premier League.
"He tries to give his
experience so we have to
keep working with him,
keep playing with him and
trying to help him to fit
in."
Eto'o's debut could have
got off to the perfect start
after only five minutes but
he directed a close-range
header from Ramires's
cross wastefully wide.
More embarrassingly for
the former Barcelona and
Inter Milan star, he then
ballooned one shot into
the upper tier of the stand
behind the goal.
He would have scored
into an open net had
Everton's own debutant
Gareth Barry not slid in to
rescue goalkeeper Tim
Howard's blushes when,
in trying to pass sideways
out of his six-yard area,
he picked out Andre
Schurrle.
Those misses were key
moments as Chelsea lost
for the first time in the
league since Jose
Mourinho's return to
Stamford Bridge, but Mikel
believes the team will hit
back in Wednesday's
Champions League
opener against Basle.
"It is about how we
bounce back. Sometimes
when you know what
you've done wrong it is
easy to bounce back,"
Mikel said.
"We need to go back to
training and try to find out
what we didn't do –
although everyone knows
what we didn't do, we
didn't score goals."
Saturday 14 September 2013
schoo joke
An elementary school
teacher sends this note to
all parents on the first day
of school.
"If you promise not to
believe everything your
child says happens at
school, I will promise not
to believe everything your
child says happens at
home.
teacher sends this note to
all parents on the first day
of school.
"If you promise not to
believe everything your
child says happens at
school, I will promise not
to believe everything your
child says happens at
home.
akpors in skul
Akpors in skool
Teacher: Write a sentence
dat ends wit
“Hand”
Akpors: My penis in ur
hand
Teacher: *slaped him*
Akpors:Oh m sorry i 4got
2 put a space beween Pen
and Is…
My pen is in ur hand
Be sociable and share it!
Teacher: Write a sentence
dat ends wit
“Hand”
Akpors: My penis in ur
hand
Teacher: *slaped him*
Akpors:Oh m sorry i 4got
2 put a space beween Pen
and Is…
My pen is in ur hand
Be sociable and share it!
akpors brain
Wife says to her hubby
after one big quarrel
between them, "One day I
will leave you afor another
man and you will be
feeling sorry then!"
Hubby, "And why should
I feel sorry for another
man?"
Fun story short, joke,
jokes, akpors
Prostitute: Oga u wan do?
Akpors: If only u go do
am like my wife.
Prostitute: Yes na! How
she dey do am?
Akpors: She dey do am
for FREE!
after one big quarrel
between them, "One day I
will leave you afor another
man and you will be
feeling sorry then!"
Hubby, "And why should
I feel sorry for another
man?"
Fun story short, joke,
jokes, akpors
Prostitute: Oga u wan do?
Akpors: If only u go do
am like my wife.
Prostitute: Yes na! How
she dey do am?
Akpors: She dey do am
for FREE!
akpors on it again
This evening akpors was
in a
barbing saloon getting a
hair
cut, while barbing, akpos
saw a
beautiful lady sitting
patiently
in the saloon. Akpos: Hello
young lady, you look so
beautiful. Lady: Thank
you. Akpos: Can we go on
a date
tomorrow night? Lady:
Sorry, i
am married. Akpos: You
can tell
your husband you are
going to
visit a friend or
whatever. Lady: Tell
him yourself, he is the
one barbing your hair. {if
you
were to be the barber,
what wud u have done
to
akpors?
in a
barbing saloon getting a
hair
cut, while barbing, akpos
saw a
beautiful lady sitting
patiently
in the saloon. Akpos: Hello
young lady, you look so
beautiful. Lady: Thank
you. Akpos: Can we go on
a date
tomorrow night? Lady:
Sorry, i
am married. Akpos: You
can tell
your husband you are
going to
visit a friend or
whatever. Lady: Tell
him yourself, he is the
one barbing your hair. {if
you
were to be the barber,
what wud u have done
to
akpors?
joke
Akpors father was inside
a bus
goin to his village when
he
suddenly realised dat d
purse
containin all his money
was
missin. Somebody had
piked it frm his
pocket.
He luked around d bus,
everybody was calm,
well seated
and enjoyin d ride. Thinkin
of to do,
within som few seconds
an idea
struck his mind...
Makin sure dat everybody
in d
bus hear him, he said:
somebody stole my pulse
frm my pocket. People in
d bus: no answer. Papa
Akpors continued: i said
somebody piked my
purse
containin my money frm
my
pocket. People in the bus
(lukin at him):
stil no answer. Papa
Akpors: if d person dat
stole my pulse did nt
want what
hapen in 1994 to repeat
itsef
now, d person should
own up
now. People in the Bus:
now
everybody lukin at each
oda.
Some murmurin among
themselves. Papa
Akpors: i said what
hapen
in 1994 wil repeat itself
now if
d thief did nt return my
pulse. People in the bus:
now
everybody were serios.
Som
askin within themselves
what
hapen in 1994. And even
odas
are beginnin to suspect
Papa
Akpors as a native
doctor or a wizard. Within
a minute, Papa Akpors
saw his pulse on floor of
d bus.
Unknwn persn had threw
it
there.
Papa Akpors piked his
pulse and
chek his money. Then
comfirmin d amount to
his satisfaction. The
people in d bus were
amazed, how they wish
they
could realy knw what
hapen in
1994 . One teenager, a
very beautiful
girl with a glasses
approached
papa Akpors were he
was sitin
and asked him that he
would
like toknw what hapen in
1994. Papa Akpors luked
at her,
smiled and said: in1994 i
was in
d bus like dis and they
stole my
money. Na leg i take
waka go
house.
Shikena!
a bus
goin to his village when
he
suddenly realised dat d
purse
containin all his money
was
missin. Somebody had
piked it frm his
pocket.
He luked around d bus,
everybody was calm,
well seated
and enjoyin d ride. Thinkin
of to do,
within som few seconds
an idea
struck his mind...
Makin sure dat everybody
in d
bus hear him, he said:
somebody stole my pulse
frm my pocket. People in
d bus: no answer. Papa
Akpors continued: i said
somebody piked my
purse
containin my money frm
my
pocket. People in the bus
(lukin at him):
stil no answer. Papa
Akpors: if d person dat
stole my pulse did nt
want what
hapen in 1994 to repeat
itsef
now, d person should
own up
now. People in the Bus:
now
everybody lukin at each
oda.
Some murmurin among
themselves. Papa
Akpors: i said what
hapen
in 1994 wil repeat itself
now if
d thief did nt return my
pulse. People in the bus:
now
everybody were serios.
Som
askin within themselves
what
hapen in 1994. And even
odas
are beginnin to suspect
Papa
Akpors as a native
doctor or a wizard. Within
a minute, Papa Akpors
saw his pulse on floor of
d bus.
Unknwn persn had threw
it
there.
Papa Akpors piked his
pulse and
chek his money. Then
comfirmin d amount to
his satisfaction. The
people in d bus were
amazed, how they wish
they
could realy knw what
hapen in
1994 . One teenager, a
very beautiful
girl with a glasses
approached
papa Akpors were he
was sitin
and asked him that he
would
like toknw what hapen in
1994. Papa Akpors luked
at her,
smiled and said: in1994 i
was in
d bus like dis and they
stole my
money. Na leg i take
waka go
house.
Shikena!
Akpors took his parents
to
court...
And the judge question
akpors... Judge to
Akpors: Do you want to
live with
your mother?
Akpors: No
Judge: Why?
Akpors: she beats me
Judge: Okay, so you want
to live
with your Dad?
Akpors: No
Judge: Why not?
Akpors: He beats me
more than
mama. Judge: So who do
you want to
live with?
Akpors: SUPER EAGLES
Judge: Why???
.
. .
.
.
Akpors: They never beat
anyone!
to
court...
And the judge question
akpors... Judge to
Akpors: Do you want to
live with
your mother?
Akpors: No
Judge: Why?
Akpors: she beats me
Judge: Okay, so you want
to live
with your Dad?
Akpors: No
Judge: Why not?
Akpors: He beats me
more than
mama. Judge: So who do
you want to
live with?
Akpors: SUPER EAGLES
Judge: Why???
.
. .
.
.
Akpors: They never beat
anyone!
nice 1
Akpors younger sister
who is still in her teens
got pregnant. Papa
akpors was so furious,
he asked him; Akpors,
who did this to your
sister ? I said; Papa how i
take know, am I her
monitor? Papa akpors
then asked his sister
who was responsible for
the pregnancy. At first,
she refused to talk but
after a while, she opened
up and said the truth
that the pregnancy
belonged to a rich
famous chief.
Papa akpors called the
chief over to the house
and they sat down to
discuss the matter. Papa
akpors said; Chief, i
heard you are
responsible for the
pregnancy my daughter
is carrying.
The chief said; You are
right, that is true, let me
add this, if she gives
birth to a male child, i
will give you 5million
naira with a furnished
flat. If she gives birth to
a female child, i will give
you 2million naira and a
bungalow. If she gives
birth to twins, i will give
you 10million naira with
a duplex but if she gets a
miscarriage. Papa
akpors interrupted; You
will have to
sleep with her again!
who is still in her teens
got pregnant. Papa
akpors was so furious,
he asked him; Akpors,
who did this to your
sister ? I said; Papa how i
take know, am I her
monitor? Papa akpors
then asked his sister
who was responsible for
the pregnancy. At first,
she refused to talk but
after a while, she opened
up and said the truth
that the pregnancy
belonged to a rich
famous chief.
Papa akpors called the
chief over to the house
and they sat down to
discuss the matter. Papa
akpors said; Chief, i
heard you are
responsible for the
pregnancy my daughter
is carrying.
The chief said; You are
right, that is true, let me
add this, if she gives
birth to a male child, i
will give you 5million
naira with a furnished
flat. If she gives birth to
a female child, i will give
you 2million naira and a
bungalow. If she gives
birth to twins, i will give
you 10million naira with
a duplex but if she gets a
miscarriage. Papa
akpors interrupted; You
will have to
sleep with her again!
Akpors and instruction
Akpors’ elder brother,
Rukewe, traveled to
London months ago,
leaving behind Akpors,
their aged mom & their
pet cat, kelly. Last week
Rukewe called from
London to know how
they’re doing…
RUKEWE: Akpors how
una dey now, how kelly?
AKPORS: Kelly done die.
RUKEWE (after a pause):
Akpors you for use small
small reveal dis kin bad
news na. U for jus say d
cat fall inside well but
neighbors de try comot
am. Den when I call again,
u go say e break neck
small but vet doctor dey
try revive am. Den when I
call again, u go say dem
try their best but dem no
fit save am. Na so dem
dey reveal bad news in a
mature way. u hear me?
AKPORS: Yes bros no p.
RUKEWE: Ok. how mama
na?
AKPORS: Bros. mama sef
fall inside well o, but
neighbors dey try comot
am. (Phone cuts)Rukewe
has been admitted in a
private
hospital in London after
going into coma.
Rukewe, traveled to
London months ago,
leaving behind Akpors,
their aged mom & their
pet cat, kelly. Last week
Rukewe called from
London to know how
they’re doing…
RUKEWE: Akpors how
una dey now, how kelly?
AKPORS: Kelly done die.
RUKEWE (after a pause):
Akpors you for use small
small reveal dis kin bad
news na. U for jus say d
cat fall inside well but
neighbors de try comot
am. Den when I call again,
u go say e break neck
small but vet doctor dey
try revive am. Den when I
call again, u go say dem
try their best but dem no
fit save am. Na so dem
dey reveal bad news in a
mature way. u hear me?
AKPORS: Yes bros no p.
RUKEWE: Ok. how mama
na?
AKPORS: Bros. mama sef
fall inside well o, but
neighbors dey try comot
am. (Phone cuts)Rukewe
has been admitted in a
private
hospital in London after
going into coma.
joke compilation
Two mad men (Akpos
& Ochuku) organized
to run away from a
mental hospital, they
started planning and
agreed that they will
go to the gate, beat up
the watchman, and
then they escape….
When they reached
the gate, they found
out that the watchman
wasn’t there and the
gate was wide opened
they said “SHIT!! Our
plan has failed lets go
and come back
tomorrow!
A man and a woman
walked into a guest
house and requested
to spend d night there.
The owner of the
guest house, Mr Ben,
who is a member of
MFM refused to allow
men and women stay
together in his
hotel because of
fornication. The
woman explained; He
is my son, Not my
spouse and so they
checked in. After
30mins, Mr. Ben sent
his maid to go and
check if those folks
were truly mother and
son. The maid came
back and said; Sir,
she’s truly the mother.
The Boss asked; How
did you confirm? The
maid Smiled; Sir I am
sure, I saw her
Breastfeeding the Man.
Akpors and his wife
were in court for
divorce. The problem
is who gets custody
for the child! The wife
Jumps up and says;
your honor i brought
the child into this
world in pains and
labour, he should be
in my custody. The
Judge turns to Akpors,
Akpors: (calmly)”Your
honor, if i put my
ATM card into ATM
machine and Cash
comes out. Whose
cash is it? THE
MACHINE’s OR MINE?
Ambali: I don’t know
why my girlfriend is
not picking up her call.
Akpos: Don’t worry
my friend. Send her
airtime…
take one digit out and
wait…
Teacher: Write a
sentence dat ends wit
“Hand” Akpos: My
penis in ur hand
Teacher: *slaped him*
Akpos:Oh m sorry i
4got 2 put a space
beween Pen and Is…
My pen is in ur hand
Chichi: Do you smoke?
Akpos: Yes….
Chichi: How many
packs a day?
Akpos: 3 packs.
Chichi: How much per
pack?
Akpos: N200.
Chichi: And how long
have you been
smoking?
Akpos: For 15 years.
Chichi: So, one pack
costs N200, and you
have
3 packs a day, which
puts your spending
each
month at N18,000. In
one year, it would be
N216,000 correct?
Akpos: Correct.
Chichi: If in one year
you spend N216,000
not
accounting for
inflation, the past 15
years
puts your spending at
over N3,000,000
correct?
Akpos: Correct.
Chichi: Do you know
that if you hadn’t
smoked, that money
could have been put in
a
step-up interest
savings account and
after
accounting for
compound interest for
the
past 15 years, you
could have now easily
bought a brand new
Range Rover HSE
Sport?Akpos: Do you
smoke?
Chichi: No.
Akpos: So where’s
your Range Rover HSE
Sport then?
#One word for Akpos
& Ochuku) organized
to run away from a
mental hospital, they
started planning and
agreed that they will
go to the gate, beat up
the watchman, and
then they escape….
When they reached
the gate, they found
out that the watchman
wasn’t there and the
gate was wide opened
they said “SHIT!! Our
plan has failed lets go
and come back
tomorrow!
A man and a woman
walked into a guest
house and requested
to spend d night there.
The owner of the
guest house, Mr Ben,
who is a member of
MFM refused to allow
men and women stay
together in his
hotel because of
fornication. The
woman explained; He
is my son, Not my
spouse and so they
checked in. After
30mins, Mr. Ben sent
his maid to go and
check if those folks
were truly mother and
son. The maid came
back and said; Sir,
she’s truly the mother.
The Boss asked; How
did you confirm? The
maid Smiled; Sir I am
sure, I saw her
Breastfeeding the Man.
Akpors and his wife
were in court for
divorce. The problem
is who gets custody
for the child! The wife
Jumps up and says;
your honor i brought
the child into this
world in pains and
labour, he should be
in my custody. The
Judge turns to Akpors,
Akpors: (calmly)”Your
honor, if i put my
ATM card into ATM
machine and Cash
comes out. Whose
cash is it? THE
MACHINE’s OR MINE?
Ambali: I don’t know
why my girlfriend is
not picking up her call.
Akpos: Don’t worry
my friend. Send her
airtime…
take one digit out and
wait…
Teacher: Write a
sentence dat ends wit
“Hand” Akpos: My
penis in ur hand
Teacher: *slaped him*
Akpos:Oh m sorry i
4got 2 put a space
beween Pen and Is…
My pen is in ur hand
Chichi: Do you smoke?
Akpos: Yes….
Chichi: How many
packs a day?
Akpos: 3 packs.
Chichi: How much per
pack?
Akpos: N200.
Chichi: And how long
have you been
smoking?
Akpos: For 15 years.
Chichi: So, one pack
costs N200, and you
have
3 packs a day, which
puts your spending
each
month at N18,000. In
one year, it would be
N216,000 correct?
Akpos: Correct.
Chichi: If in one year
you spend N216,000
not
accounting for
inflation, the past 15
years
puts your spending at
over N3,000,000
correct?
Akpos: Correct.
Chichi: Do you know
that if you hadn’t
smoked, that money
could have been put in
a
step-up interest
savings account and
after
accounting for
compound interest for
the
past 15 years, you
could have now easily
bought a brand new
Range Rover HSE
Sport?Akpos: Do you
smoke?
Chichi: No.
Akpos: So where’s
your Range Rover HSE
Sport then?
#One word for Akpos
akpors and bb
Akpors Narrate:
Blackberry don Chop My
Money tire
So i come Vex Yesterday
Sell am ,
i take half of the money Go
buy *BlackDerry2* China
phone
chaii , headache , infact
Bigger trouble
1.Battery Go full 1min of
charging ,
2, The phone get Touch
screen , Tv , Nail-cutter,
Fire-lighter
and fire extinguisher no
vex
3.i fit write Text Message
with tooth pick
4. When Aeroplane pass e
go Record 2missed calls
5.When Chinese man pass
e go show , One Bluetooth
device
detected
6. When Beautiful Girl pass
e go show …Ur Favourite
Food Found
7.When Ugly Girl Waka
Pass e go show …
Mitchewww Virus Detected
Abeg I dey Sell am.. Who Go
Buy..
Even As At Now E Dey
Show ..
No Jwon Detected..
Blackberry don Chop My
Money tire
So i come Vex Yesterday
Sell am ,
i take half of the money Go
buy *BlackDerry2* China
phone
chaii , headache , infact
Bigger trouble
1.Battery Go full 1min of
charging ,
2, The phone get Touch
screen , Tv , Nail-cutter,
Fire-lighter
and fire extinguisher no
vex
3.i fit write Text Message
with tooth pick
4. When Aeroplane pass e
go Record 2missed calls
5.When Chinese man pass
e go show , One Bluetooth
device
detected
6. When Beautiful Girl pass
e go show …Ur Favourite
Food Found
7.When Ugly Girl Waka
Pass e go show …
Mitchewww Virus Detected
Abeg I dey Sell am.. Who Go
Buy..
Even As At Now E Dey
Show ..
No Jwon Detected..
Saturday 7 September 2013
Potrix Naija Blog: PHOTOS: I Go Die Playing Golf with Family
Potrix Naija Blog: PHOTOS: I Go Die Playing Golf with Family: Very loveable family, see another photo after the cut
Saturday 31 August 2013
super cup defeat saddens Mourinho
Super Cup defeat
saddens ’Unlucky’
Mourinho
on august 31, 2013 at 8:18
am insports
PRAGUE (AFP) – Jose
Mourinho has insisted he
is ‘unlucky’ after ten-man
Chelsea lost 5-4 on
penalties to Pep
Guardiola’s Bayern Munich
in Friday’s UEFA Super
Cup final in Prague.
European champions
Bayern needed a 121st-
minute equaliser from
Spain’s Javi Martinez to
take the game to penalties,
after it finished 2-2 in extra
time, as the Bavarians
avenged their 2012
Champions League final
defeat at the hands of
Chelsea in Munich.
When Chelsea
replacement Romelu
Lukaku missed the 10th
spot-kick after the
previous nine successful
attempts, it meant Bayern
finally lifted the Super Cup
at the fourth attempt to
leave Chelsea boss
Mourinho disgruntled.
Mourinho
“When Martinez scored
the goal, I felt it was
undeserved. The best
team lost, but that is
football, no problem,” said
the 50-year-old.
Having returned for his
second stint at Stamford
Bridge in June after
coaching Real Madrid,
Mourinho slammed
Swedish referee Jonas
Eriksson for the 85th-
minute dismissal of
Chelsea midfielder
Ramires for a second
yellow card.
“There is a passion for
football and if you are in
love with the game, you
don’t kill a final with a
second yellow card like
this,” said Mourinho.
“For me, yes, (the player
should not have been
punished) because there
were many other yellow
cards during the match
which the referee didn’t
give.”
But the self-appointed
“special one” insisted he is
no stranger to playing
with ten men in major
competitions and
bemoaned his misfortune.
“This is nothing new for
me, the last time I was at
Chelsea we played a
Champions League semi-
final two or three times
against Barcelona with ten
men,” moaned Mourinho.
“I went to (coach) Inter
Milan and played one hour
of a Champions League
semi-final with ten men
against Barcelona.
“I go to Real Madrid, I
played again a Champions
League semi-final with ten
men, I come back to
Chelsea and I play a Super
Cup final with ten men.
“You all should analyse
the games and draw your
conclusions — I am
unlucky.”
Having enjoyed his eighth
win over Mourinho in
their 16th duel on the
sidelines, ex-Barcelona
coach Guardiola praised
his predecessor Jupp
Heynckes who steered
Bayern to the treble of
European, cup and league
titles last season.
“I want to thank Jupp
Heynckes for the chance
to play here in this final,
it’s down to him that we
are here,” said Guardiola.
“It was a super, super,
super effort to take the
game to penalties, we are
very happy, but one
second changed
everything,” added the
Spaniard, after Bayern had
37 goal attempts
compared to Chelsea’s 14.
“For me, the team played
unbelievably well, we had
more than 30 chances
and I have seen how
important it was for them,
they won everything last
season and they want
more. I am really happy
for them.”
Guardiola disagreed with
Mourinho’s insistence that
the best team lost in
Prague.
“I believe the best team
won, we creating a huge
amount of goal
opportunities,” said the
Bayern boss.
“Chelsea have so much
experience with the likes
of (Petr) Cech, (Frank)
Lampard, (John) Terry
and (Ashley) Cole, they
had their chances, but we
deserved the win.”
Both Guardiola and
Mourinho played down
their rivalry.
“I have great respect for
him as a coach and he
knows that,” said
Guardiola of Mourinho.
“We have played many
times against each other
— some you win, some
you lose, but he knows I
respect him.”
saddens ’Unlucky’
Mourinho
on august 31, 2013 at 8:18
am insports
PRAGUE (AFP) – Jose
Mourinho has insisted he
is ‘unlucky’ after ten-man
Chelsea lost 5-4 on
penalties to Pep
Guardiola’s Bayern Munich
in Friday’s UEFA Super
Cup final in Prague.
European champions
Bayern needed a 121st-
minute equaliser from
Spain’s Javi Martinez to
take the game to penalties,
after it finished 2-2 in extra
time, as the Bavarians
avenged their 2012
Champions League final
defeat at the hands of
Chelsea in Munich.
When Chelsea
replacement Romelu
Lukaku missed the 10th
spot-kick after the
previous nine successful
attempts, it meant Bayern
finally lifted the Super Cup
at the fourth attempt to
leave Chelsea boss
Mourinho disgruntled.
Mourinho
“When Martinez scored
the goal, I felt it was
undeserved. The best
team lost, but that is
football, no problem,” said
the 50-year-old.
Having returned for his
second stint at Stamford
Bridge in June after
coaching Real Madrid,
Mourinho slammed
Swedish referee Jonas
Eriksson for the 85th-
minute dismissal of
Chelsea midfielder
Ramires for a second
yellow card.
“There is a passion for
football and if you are in
love with the game, you
don’t kill a final with a
second yellow card like
this,” said Mourinho.
“For me, yes, (the player
should not have been
punished) because there
were many other yellow
cards during the match
which the referee didn’t
give.”
But the self-appointed
“special one” insisted he is
no stranger to playing
with ten men in major
competitions and
bemoaned his misfortune.
“This is nothing new for
me, the last time I was at
Chelsea we played a
Champions League semi-
final two or three times
against Barcelona with ten
men,” moaned Mourinho.
“I went to (coach) Inter
Milan and played one hour
of a Champions League
semi-final with ten men
against Barcelona.
“I go to Real Madrid, I
played again a Champions
League semi-final with ten
men, I come back to
Chelsea and I play a Super
Cup final with ten men.
“You all should analyse
the games and draw your
conclusions — I am
unlucky.”
Having enjoyed his eighth
win over Mourinho in
their 16th duel on the
sidelines, ex-Barcelona
coach Guardiola praised
his predecessor Jupp
Heynckes who steered
Bayern to the treble of
European, cup and league
titles last season.
“I want to thank Jupp
Heynckes for the chance
to play here in this final,
it’s down to him that we
are here,” said Guardiola.
“It was a super, super,
super effort to take the
game to penalties, we are
very happy, but one
second changed
everything,” added the
Spaniard, after Bayern had
37 goal attempts
compared to Chelsea’s 14.
“For me, the team played
unbelievably well, we had
more than 30 chances
and I have seen how
important it was for them,
they won everything last
season and they want
more. I am really happy
for them.”
Guardiola disagreed with
Mourinho’s insistence that
the best team lost in
Prague.
“I believe the best team
won, we creating a huge
amount of goal
opportunities,” said the
Bayern boss.
“Chelsea have so much
experience with the likes
of (Petr) Cech, (Frank)
Lampard, (John) Terry
and (Ashley) Cole, they
had their chances, but we
deserved the win.”
Both Guardiola and
Mourinho played down
their rivalry.
“I have great respect for
him as a coach and he
knows that,” said
Guardiola of Mourinho.
“We have played many
times against each other
— some you win, some
you lose, but he knows I
respect him.”
Abortion bill in Imo
Gov Okorocha denies
legalising abortion in
Imo
on august 31, 2013 at 11:51
am innews
Owerri - Gov. Rochas
Okorocha of Imo has said
that the bill currently in the
House of Assembly is not
for the legalisation of
abortion.
Okorocha said this when
he reacted to reports that
the state government had
legalised abortion in
Owerri on Friday
He explained that the bill
would eliminate violence
in private and public life,
prohibit all forms of
violence, including sexual,
psychological, domestic
and harmful traditional
practices.
Gov Okorocha
The governor said the bill
was also expected to
provide maximum
protection and effective
remedies for victims and
punishments of offenders.
Okorocha added that the
bill would equally enable
every woman to enjoy
reproductive rights as well
as the right to medical
abortion in cases of sexual
assault, rape, incest.
He also said the bill made
provision for right to
medical abortion where
the pregnancy endangers
the life of or the physical,
mental, psychological or
emotional health of the
mother.
The News Agency of
Nigeria (NAN) reports that
the Speaker of assembly,
Mr Benjamin
Uwajumogu, had also
denied passing any law
legalising abortion in the
state.
Uwajumogu decried the
misunderstanding of the
bill, explaining that it was
for prevention of violence
and protection of
women’s rights.
He said the bill, which
made provision for the
termination of a foetus in
cases of incest or rape,
did not legalise abortion.
The speaker said the
house was set to make
amendments to the bill to
avoid further
misunderstandings. (NAN)
legalising abortion in
Imo
on august 31, 2013 at 11:51
am innews
Owerri - Gov. Rochas
Okorocha of Imo has said
that the bill currently in the
House of Assembly is not
for the legalisation of
abortion.
Okorocha said this when
he reacted to reports that
the state government had
legalised abortion in
Owerri on Friday
He explained that the bill
would eliminate violence
in private and public life,
prohibit all forms of
violence, including sexual,
psychological, domestic
and harmful traditional
practices.
Gov Okorocha
The governor said the bill
was also expected to
provide maximum
protection and effective
remedies for victims and
punishments of offenders.
Okorocha added that the
bill would equally enable
every woman to enjoy
reproductive rights as well
as the right to medical
abortion in cases of sexual
assault, rape, incest.
He also said the bill made
provision for right to
medical abortion where
the pregnancy endangers
the life of or the physical,
mental, psychological or
emotional health of the
mother.
The News Agency of
Nigeria (NAN) reports that
the Speaker of assembly,
Mr Benjamin
Uwajumogu, had also
denied passing any law
legalising abortion in the
state.
Uwajumogu decried the
misunderstanding of the
bill, explaining that it was
for prevention of violence
and protection of
women’s rights.
He said the bill, which
made provision for the
termination of a foetus in
cases of incest or rape,
did not legalise abortion.
The speaker said the
house was set to make
amendments to the bill to
avoid further
misunderstandings. (NAN)
news
NABTEB releases
results, says 28,230
obtained credit in
Mathematics, English
on august 31, 2013 at 5:06
pm innews
By SIMON EBEGBULEM
BENIN CITY-THE National
Business and Technical
Examinations Board
(NABTEB), Saturday,
released the results of the
2013 May/June National
Business Certificate (NBC)
and National Technical
Certificate (NTC)
Examinations, disclosing
that 5,108 candidates
were sanctioned over
different cases of
examination malpractices.
The Registrar/ Chief
Executive of the Board, Dr
Olatunde Aworanti, who
announced the results,
called on the National and
state Assemblies to
legislate laws that will
ensure the
implementation of the
establishment of modern
and well equipped
technical Colleges in all the
Local Government Areas
in the country, with a
view t boost technical
education.
Giving a breakdown of the
results, he disclosed that a
total of 106,573 candidates
enrolled for the
examination nationwide
but 103,753 candidates sat
for the examination. He
added that out of the
103,753 that sat for the
examination “ 28,230
representing 27.2 per cent
obtained credit passes in
five subjects and above
including Mathematics and
English language.
“Similarly, 55,115
candidates representing
53.1 per cent obtained fiev
credits and above with or
without English Language
and Mathematics.
Candidates enrolled in 36
trades, 5 trade related
subjects and eight General
Education subjects. The
examination has the
highest entry in Book
keeping with a total of
78,897” he stated.
Dr Aworanti, who
commended the Federal
Government’s effort to
strengthen technical
education in the country,
however asserted that the
noble goal of technological
advancement and
sustainable development
largely depends on the
attention given to technical
and vocational education
by stakeholders.
In order to elevate the
nation in technological
advancement, the Board
recommended that “
more collaborative
partnership between
public and private sectors
should be employed in
funding technical and
vocational education.
“The National Vocational
Qualification framework
should be implemented as
approved. The Proprietors
of private technical and
vocational institutions
should endeavour to
improve on their
workshop facilities by
furnishing their colleges
with latest technologies”
he stated.
results, says 28,230
obtained credit in
Mathematics, English
on august 31, 2013 at 5:06
pm innews
By SIMON EBEGBULEM
BENIN CITY-THE National
Business and Technical
Examinations Board
(NABTEB), Saturday,
released the results of the
2013 May/June National
Business Certificate (NBC)
and National Technical
Certificate (NTC)
Examinations, disclosing
that 5,108 candidates
were sanctioned over
different cases of
examination malpractices.
The Registrar/ Chief
Executive of the Board, Dr
Olatunde Aworanti, who
announced the results,
called on the National and
state Assemblies to
legislate laws that will
ensure the
implementation of the
establishment of modern
and well equipped
technical Colleges in all the
Local Government Areas
in the country, with a
view t boost technical
education.
Giving a breakdown of the
results, he disclosed that a
total of 106,573 candidates
enrolled for the
examination nationwide
but 103,753 candidates sat
for the examination. He
added that out of the
103,753 that sat for the
examination “ 28,230
representing 27.2 per cent
obtained credit passes in
five subjects and above
including Mathematics and
English language.
“Similarly, 55,115
candidates representing
53.1 per cent obtained fiev
credits and above with or
without English Language
and Mathematics.
Candidates enrolled in 36
trades, 5 trade related
subjects and eight General
Education subjects. The
examination has the
highest entry in Book
keeping with a total of
78,897” he stated.
Dr Aworanti, who
commended the Federal
Government’s effort to
strengthen technical
education in the country,
however asserted that the
noble goal of technological
advancement and
sustainable development
largely depends on the
attention given to technical
and vocational education
by stakeholders.
In order to elevate the
nation in technological
advancement, the Board
recommended that “
more collaborative
partnership between
public and private sectors
should be employed in
funding technical and
vocational education.
“The National Vocational
Qualification framework
should be implemented as
approved. The Proprietors
of private technical and
vocational institutions
should endeavour to
improve on their
workshop facilities by
furnishing their colleges
with latest technologies”
he stated.
FOOTBALL
http://pmnewsnigeria.com/2013/08/31/super-cup-guardiola-extends-winning-run-against-mourinho/
Thursday 29 August 2013
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Wednesday 21 August 2013
Celtic ucl
Lennon hopeful of UCL
group stage
21 Aug 2013 05:54:32
Celtic manager Neil
Lennon says his side's
Champions League hopes
are far from over after
they suffered a shock 2-0
defeat to Kazakh minnows
Shakhter Karagandy in the
first leg of their play-off
match.
The Scottish champions
dominated possession in
the Astana Arena with Kris
Commons hitting the
woodwork and James
Forrest seeing his effort
clawed off the line by
'keeper Alexsandr Mokin
as the Hoops came close
to a crucial away goal.
But they struggled to
contain Shakhter's
counter-attacking style
and went behind to a 12th
minute Andrei Fionchenko
strike before Sergei
Khizhnichenko doubled
their lead in the 76th
minute when he headed
past Fraser Forster from
close range.
The defeat leaves Celtic,
who reached the last 16 of
the competition last
season, with a lot of work
to do in next
Wednesday's return leg in
Glasgow and puts
Shakhter in the driving
seat to become the first
Kazakhstan side to reach
the group stages of the
Champions League.
However, Lennon was
bullish about his side's
chances and says he saw
enough in their
performance to know
they have a great chance
to turn things around at
Celtic Park.
"It was a disappointing
result, but we should
have scored and then that
would have put a different
complexion on the tie," he
said.
"However, it's not over
yet. We have to go back
to Celtic Park and there
was plenty there for me
to chew on in terms of
chances.
"Shakhter didn't surprise
us with the way they
played. We knew they
would throw balls
forward and we should
have dealt with the first
goal a lot better and the
second goal they had a bit
of luck with.
"I didn't really feel
uncomfortable in the
game at all. I thought we
would score and that
would put a totally
different complexion on
the tie, but the fact that we
didn't just makes it that
little bit more difficult now.
"I don't know how many
chances we had tonight -
clear cut ones as well -and
if you don't take your
chances then you make
life difficult for yourself.
"But we're not down and
out just yet."
Celtic have lost a number
of key players in the
summer including
influential midfielder Victor
Wanyama, defender
Kelvin Wilson and last
season's top-scorer Gary
Hooper.
But Lennon was reluctant
to blame their loss as a
contributing factor to his
side's performance in
Kazakhstan and warned
his current crop of stars
that he wanted to see an
instant improvement.
"There were a few players
who will be disappointed
with their performances
and they better get better
very quickly," added
Lennon.
"I think I've still got
enough in the squad to
come through the tie, so
that's what we'll
endeavour to do."
group stage
21 Aug 2013 05:54:32
Celtic manager Neil
Lennon says his side's
Champions League hopes
are far from over after
they suffered a shock 2-0
defeat to Kazakh minnows
Shakhter Karagandy in the
first leg of their play-off
match.
The Scottish champions
dominated possession in
the Astana Arena with Kris
Commons hitting the
woodwork and James
Forrest seeing his effort
clawed off the line by
'keeper Alexsandr Mokin
as the Hoops came close
to a crucial away goal.
But they struggled to
contain Shakhter's
counter-attacking style
and went behind to a 12th
minute Andrei Fionchenko
strike before Sergei
Khizhnichenko doubled
their lead in the 76th
minute when he headed
past Fraser Forster from
close range.
The defeat leaves Celtic,
who reached the last 16 of
the competition last
season, with a lot of work
to do in next
Wednesday's return leg in
Glasgow and puts
Shakhter in the driving
seat to become the first
Kazakhstan side to reach
the group stages of the
Champions League.
However, Lennon was
bullish about his side's
chances and says he saw
enough in their
performance to know
they have a great chance
to turn things around at
Celtic Park.
"It was a disappointing
result, but we should
have scored and then that
would have put a different
complexion on the tie," he
said.
"However, it's not over
yet. We have to go back
to Celtic Park and there
was plenty there for me
to chew on in terms of
chances.
"Shakhter didn't surprise
us with the way they
played. We knew they
would throw balls
forward and we should
have dealt with the first
goal a lot better and the
second goal they had a bit
of luck with.
"I didn't really feel
uncomfortable in the
game at all. I thought we
would score and that
would put a totally
different complexion on
the tie, but the fact that we
didn't just makes it that
little bit more difficult now.
"I don't know how many
chances we had tonight -
clear cut ones as well -and
if you don't take your
chances then you make
life difficult for yourself.
"But we're not down and
out just yet."
Celtic have lost a number
of key players in the
summer including
influential midfielder Victor
Wanyama, defender
Kelvin Wilson and last
season's top-scorer Gary
Hooper.
But Lennon was reluctant
to blame their loss as a
contributing factor to his
side's performance in
Kazakhstan and warned
his current crop of stars
that he wanted to see an
instant improvement.
"There were a few players
who will be disappointed
with their performances
and they better get better
very quickly," added
Lennon.
"I think I've still got
enough in the squad to
come through the tie, so
that's what we'll
endeavour to do."
Arsenal news
Arsenal calm as
injured stars train
20 Aug 2013 15:42:27
Arsenal manager Arsene
Wenger received some
welcome news on
Tuesday when five
players feared to have
contracted injuries at the
weekend reported for
training.
Bacary Sagna, Kieran
Gibbs, Aaron Ramsey,
Jack Wilshere and Tomas
Rosicky all hurt
themselves during
Arsenal's shock 3-1 loss at
home to Aston Villa on
the opening day of the
Premier League season on
Saturday, but were able to
train on Tuesday
morning.
Arsenal will hope to have
all five players at their
disposal when they visit
Turkish side Fenerbahce
for the first leg of their
Champions League play-
off tie on Wednesday.
However, Wenger will
definitely be without
England winger Alex
Oxlade-Chamberlain, who
could be out for up to six
months after suffering a
serious knee injury
against Villa.
SQUAD FOR ISTANBUL
TRIP
Arsenal: Szczesny,
Fabianski, Jenkinson,
Sagna, Mertesacker,
Koscielny, Gibbs, Monreal,
Wilshere, Ramsey,
Frimpong, Rosicky,
Cazorla, Podolski, Giroud,
Walcott, Sanogo, Gnabry
injured stars train
20 Aug 2013 15:42:27
Arsenal manager Arsene
Wenger received some
welcome news on
Tuesday when five
players feared to have
contracted injuries at the
weekend reported for
training.
Bacary Sagna, Kieran
Gibbs, Aaron Ramsey,
Jack Wilshere and Tomas
Rosicky all hurt
themselves during
Arsenal's shock 3-1 loss at
home to Aston Villa on
the opening day of the
Premier League season on
Saturday, but were able to
train on Tuesday
morning.
Arsenal will hope to have
all five players at their
disposal when they visit
Turkish side Fenerbahce
for the first leg of their
Champions League play-
off tie on Wednesday.
However, Wenger will
definitely be without
England winger Alex
Oxlade-Chamberlain, who
could be out for up to six
months after suffering a
serious knee injury
against Villa.
SQUAD FOR ISTANBUL
TRIP
Arsenal: Szczesny,
Fabianski, Jenkinson,
Sagna, Mertesacker,
Koscielny, Gibbs, Monreal,
Wilshere, Ramsey,
Frimpong, Rosicky,
Cazorla, Podolski, Giroud,
Walcott, Sanogo, Gnabry
Thursday 25 July 2013
Jerry Orji's Blog: Davido acquires Mercedes Benz G55 AMG AND Shows Of...
Jerry Orji's Blog: Davido acquires Mercedes Benz G55 AMG AND Shows Of...: Davido has acquired the 2012 Mercedes Benz G55 AMG said to be worth over N20million, though he's yet to take delivery of the luxury...
Thursday 18 July 2013
Alarm
Proudly showing off his
new apartment to a friend
late one night, the drunk
led the way to the
bedroom, where there
was a big brass gong.
"What's that brass gong
for?" asked the friend. "It's
not a gong. It's a talking
clock," the drunk replied.
"A talking clock? How
does it work?"
"Watch this," said the
drunk. He took a
hammer, gave the gong
an ear-shattering pound
and waited. Someone on
the other side of the wall
screamed: "Hey, you jerk.
It's 3:00 in the morning!"
new apartment to a friend
late one night, the drunk
led the way to the
bedroom, where there
was a big brass gong.
"What's that brass gong
for?" asked the friend. "It's
not a gong. It's a talking
clock," the drunk replied.
"A talking clock? How
does it work?"
"Watch this," said the
drunk. He took a
hammer, gave the gong
an ear-shattering pound
and waited. Someone on
the other side of the wall
screamed: "Hey, you jerk.
It's 3:00 in the morning!"
first of al5
A priest was preparing a
dying man for his 'long
day's journey into night'.
Whispering firmly, the
priest says, "Denounce
the devil! Let him know
how little you think of his
evil."
The dying man says
nothing.
The priest repeats his
order again. Still, the
dying man says nothing.
The priest asks, "Why do
you refuse to denounce
the devil and his evil?"
The dying man replies,
"Until I know exactly
where I'm headed, I don't
think it's such a good idea
to aggravate anybody just
yet."
dying man for his 'long
day's journey into night'.
Whispering firmly, the
priest says, "Denounce
the devil! Let him know
how little you think of his
evil."
The dying man says
nothing.
The priest repeats his
order again. Still, the
dying man says nothing.
The priest asks, "Why do
you refuse to denounce
the devil and his evil?"
The dying man replies,
"Until I know exactly
where I'm headed, I don't
think it's such a good idea
to aggravate anybody just
yet."
confession time
Three Pastors met and
agreed to sincerely tell
each other their problems
which must be kept as a
secret between the three
of them.
The First Pastor Said: My
problem is money I do
steal even from the
church offerings please
pray for me.
The Second Pastor Said:
Mine is women,
whenever I see any
woman my desire will be
to go bed with her. In fact
I have slept with most of
my female church
members.
Turning to the Third
Pastor to hear his
problem he started
crying. It took his friends
some effort to calm him.
When they asked Him to
continue he was still
crying, He said "My
problem is GOSSIPING
when we leave this place
everybody will hear all
what the two of you have
just told me? Please Pray
For me."
The Two Pastors Fainted!
agreed to sincerely tell
each other their problems
which must be kept as a
secret between the three
of them.
The First Pastor Said: My
problem is money I do
steal even from the
church offerings please
pray for me.
The Second Pastor Said:
Mine is women,
whenever I see any
woman my desire will be
to go bed with her. In fact
I have slept with most of
my female church
members.
Turning to the Third
Pastor to hear his
problem he started
crying. It took his friends
some effort to calm him.
When they asked Him to
continue he was still
crying, He said "My
problem is GOSSIPING
when we leave this place
everybody will hear all
what the two of you have
just told me? Please Pray
For me."
The Two Pastors Fainted!
Bag of beans
A man asks his wife about
a mysterious bag of
beans in the kitchen.
MAN: Honey where did
this bag of beans come
from?
WIFE: Honey I'm sorry
please forgive me...I've
been unfaithful to you.
MAN: Honey, I know and
I've already forgiven you,
but what has that got to
do with the bag of beans?
WIFE: Well...when I
started cheating on
you...every time I've been
with a different man, I
took a bean seed from his
house and put it in that
bag and it was empty
when I started.
What should he do?
a mysterious bag of
beans in the kitchen.
MAN: Honey where did
this bag of beans come
from?
WIFE: Honey I'm sorry
please forgive me...I've
been unfaithful to you.
MAN: Honey, I know and
I've already forgiven you,
but what has that got to
do with the bag of beans?
WIFE: Well...when I
started cheating on
you...every time I've been
with a different man, I
took a bean seed from his
house and put it in that
bag and it was empty
when I started.
What should he do?
The law student
A student failed in law and
decided to make a deal
with professor.
Sir, do you know
everything about law?
Professor: Yes.
Student: If you can
answer this question, I
will accept my final
marks, if you can't, you
have to give me "A".
The Professor agreed.
Boy asked, "What is legal
but not logical, logical but
not legal & neither legal
nor logical?"
The Professor thought
about it for hours &
pondered but no answer.
He finally had to give up
as he really did not know
and he gave the boy an
"A".
The following day,
professor asked same
question to his students.
He was shocked when all
of them raised their
hands. He asked one
student.
The student answered
"Sir, you are 65, married
to 28 years old woman,
this is legal but not logical.
Your wife, is having an
affair with a 23 year old
boy, this is logical but not
legal. Your wife's
boyfriend has failed in his
exam and yet you have
given him an "A", this is
neither logical nor legal."
The professor collapsed...
decided to make a deal
with professor.
Sir, do you know
everything about law?
Professor: Yes.
Student: If you can
answer this question, I
will accept my final
marks, if you can't, you
have to give me "A".
The Professor agreed.
Boy asked, "What is legal
but not logical, logical but
not legal & neither legal
nor logical?"
The Professor thought
about it for hours &
pondered but no answer.
He finally had to give up
as he really did not know
and he gave the boy an
"A".
The following day,
professor asked same
question to his students.
He was shocked when all
of them raised their
hands. He asked one
student.
The student answered
"Sir, you are 65, married
to 28 years old woman,
this is legal but not logical.
Your wife, is having an
affair with a 23 year old
boy, this is logical but not
legal. Your wife's
boyfriend has failed in his
exam and yet you have
given him an "A", this is
neither logical nor legal."
The professor collapsed...
mountain climbing
Two mountain climbers
reached the top of a
mountain when one fell
into a large crack.
"Are you ok?", the other
one asked.
"Not really", said the
other.
"Ok I'll drop a rope down
so I can pull you up".
"I can't, my hands are
broken" said the other
again.
"Ok then try tying it to
your legs."
"I can't my legs are
broken."
"Ok then put it in your
mouth and I'll pull you
up."
"Ok!"
The man puts it in his
mouth and is pulled by
the other. Half way up,
the one pulling asks "are
you ok?"
The other one answers
"yeaaaa..."
reached the top of a
mountain when one fell
into a large crack.
"Are you ok?", the other
one asked.
"Not really", said the
other.
"Ok I'll drop a rope down
so I can pull you up".
"I can't, my hands are
broken" said the other
again.
"Ok then try tying it to
your legs."
"I can't my legs are
broken."
"Ok then put it in your
mouth and I'll pull you
up."
"Ok!"
The man puts it in his
mouth and is pulled by
the other. Half way up,
the one pulling asks "are
you ok?"
The other one answers
"yeaaaa..."
phone bill
The phone bill was
exceptionally high. Man
called a family meeting to
discuss.
DAD: This is unacceptable.
I don't use home phone, I
use my work phone.
MUM: Me too. I hardly use
home phone. I use my
companies phone
SON: I use my office
mobile, I never use the
home phone.
All of them shocked and
together turned their gaze
at Akpos the house keeper
who was patiently
listening to them.
AKPOS: What? So we all
use our work phone.
What's the Big deal!??
exceptionally high. Man
called a family meeting to
discuss.
DAD: This is unacceptable.
I don't use home phone, I
use my work phone.
MUM: Me too. I hardly use
home phone. I use my
companies phone
SON: I use my office
mobile, I never use the
home phone.
All of them shocked and
together turned their gaze
at Akpos the house keeper
who was patiently
listening to them.
AKPOS: What? So we all
use our work phone.
What's the Big deal!??
Three sperms
Three Sperms are
discussing about their
future:
SPERM 1: I will be a doctor
when I'm born.
SPERM 2: I will be a
Footballer.
SPERM 3: As for me, I will
be a...Oh my God!
SPERM 1 & 2: What is it?
SPERM 3: Our future is
ruined...the bastard is
MASTURBATING!!!
discussing about their
future:
SPERM 1: I will be a doctor
when I'm born.
SPERM 2: I will be a
Footballer.
SPERM 3: As for me, I will
be a...Oh my God!
SPERM 1 & 2: What is it?
SPERM 3: Our future is
ruined...the bastard is
MASTURBATING!!!
Do you have
A woman was at home
when she heard someone
knock at the door. She
went and opened the
door and saw a man
standing there.
He asked the lady, "Do
you have a vagina?"
She slammed the door in
disgust.
The next morning she
heard a knock at the door
and it was the same man
and he asked the same
question of the woman,
"Do you have a vagina?"
She slammed the door
again.
Later that night when her
husband got home she
told him what has
happened for the last two
days. The husband told
the wife in a loving and
concerned voice "Honey, I
am taking tomorrow off
to be home just in case
this guy shows up again."
The next morning they
heard a knock and they
both ran for the door.
The husband said to the
wife in a whispered voice,
"Honey, I'm going to hide
behind the door and listen
and if it is the same guy I
want you to answer yes
to the question because I
want to see where the
bastard is going with it."
She nods yes to her
husband and opened the
door. Sure enough the
same fellow was standing
there and asked the same
question; "Do you have a
vagina?"
"Yes, actually I have" she
said.
The man replied. "Good!
Would you mind telling
your husband to leave
my wife's alone and start
using yours."
when she heard someone
knock at the door. She
went and opened the
door and saw a man
standing there.
He asked the lady, "Do
you have a vagina?"
She slammed the door in
disgust.
The next morning she
heard a knock at the door
and it was the same man
and he asked the same
question of the woman,
"Do you have a vagina?"
She slammed the door
again.
Later that night when her
husband got home she
told him what has
happened for the last two
days. The husband told
the wife in a loving and
concerned voice "Honey, I
am taking tomorrow off
to be home just in case
this guy shows up again."
The next morning they
heard a knock and they
both ran for the door.
The husband said to the
wife in a whispered voice,
"Honey, I'm going to hide
behind the door and listen
and if it is the same guy I
want you to answer yes
to the question because I
want to see where the
bastard is going with it."
She nods yes to her
husband and opened the
door. Sure enough the
same fellow was standing
there and asked the same
question; "Do you have a
vagina?"
"Yes, actually I have" she
said.
The man replied. "Good!
Would you mind telling
your husband to leave
my wife's alone and start
using yours."
IN THE CLUB
Akpos went to a night
club, and when he got
home the following
conversation ensued.
MUM: Akpos, where are
you coming from?
AKPOS: Classes!
MUM: Don't lie to me
boy!!!!!
AKPOS: I went to the club
[in tears]
MUM: Good, I hope you
learnt your lesson?
AKPOS: Yes mummy
MUM: Alright, what did
you see there that you
never want to see again?
AKPOS: Daddy and Aunty
Nadia...
club, and when he got
home the following
conversation ensued.
MUM: Akpos, where are
you coming from?
AKPOS: Classes!
MUM: Don't lie to me
boy!!!!!
AKPOS: I went to the club
[in tears]
MUM: Good, I hope you
learnt your lesson?
AKPOS: Yes mummy
MUM: Alright, what did
you see there that you
never want to see again?
AKPOS: Daddy and Aunty
Nadia...
Monday 15 July 2013
Lagos Assembly move to tackle omo-oniles propose 3 years jail term
Hard times await
Omo-Onile and
Ajagungbale as the
Lagos State House of
Assembly has
proposed a three-
year jail term for any
person or group of
people who engage in
forcible entry and
occupation of landed
properties in the
state.
This was part of the
provisions of the State
Properties Protection Bill,
2013 which has gone pass
the second reading on the
floor of the House.
The bill seeks to regulate
the use of forceful or
unreasonable force to take
over any landed property
in the State.
Speaking on the necessity
for the bill, Chairman,
Committee on Lands and
Housing, Bayo Osinowo
said if the bill is eventually
passed, it would address
so many atrocities
committed by land
grabbers in the State.
Osinowo said, 60 percent
of Certificates of
Occupancy (C. of .O) are
fake. This is part of the
anomalies the bill will
correct when passed.
"In Lagos State, land is
our major resource. It is
our petrol compared to oil
producing states in the
country. Therefore nothing
will be too much to protect
its sanctity," Osinowo
noted.
Also speaking, Sanai
Agunbiade explained that
the bill will also take care
of land agents who parade
themselves and seize
landed properties illegally
without recourse to the
law. "The bill would
prevent Omo-onile from
potential buyer(s) who are
usually harassed and
intimidated before and
during construction
work,"Agunbiade stated.
He further explained that
the bill would prevent
anyone, who without lawful
authority, uses or
threatens violence for the
purpose of securing entry
into any landed property
for himself or for any
other person(s).
The bill stipulates a fine of
N200,000 or two years
imprisonment for any
person found guilty of the
section on forceful
possession of lands.
The bill which is a private
member bill states that
anyone found with fire
arm, weapon or chemical
material or in company or
any -person so armed
would be liable to a death
sentence.
In his submission,
Mudashiru Obasa who had
a contrary view on the
propose bill said an
existing law which
addresses same issue
should be considered
instead of passing another
bill.
However, if the bill is
passed, a special offence
court shall try any person
found guilty, while any one
contravening it will be
liable for three years
imprisonment or N300,000.
The bill has been
committed to the
Committees on Lands and
Housing as well as
Judiciary, Human Rights
and Public Petitions to
report back in a month.
Virtually all members who
spoke on the merits and
demerits of the bill
supported it with the
conviction that when
passed into law, it would
stop the activities of
Ajagungbale (land
grabbers) and nefarious
activities of Omo-Onile in
the state which had
hitherto hindered smooth
land transactions in the
State.
Omo-Onile and
Ajagungbale as the
Lagos State House of
Assembly has
proposed a three-
year jail term for any
person or group of
people who engage in
forcible entry and
occupation of landed
properties in the
state.
This was part of the
provisions of the State
Properties Protection Bill,
2013 which has gone pass
the second reading on the
floor of the House.
The bill seeks to regulate
the use of forceful or
unreasonable force to take
over any landed property
in the State.
Speaking on the necessity
for the bill, Chairman,
Committee on Lands and
Housing, Bayo Osinowo
said if the bill is eventually
passed, it would address
so many atrocities
committed by land
grabbers in the State.
Osinowo said, 60 percent
of Certificates of
Occupancy (C. of .O) are
fake. This is part of the
anomalies the bill will
correct when passed.
"In Lagos State, land is
our major resource. It is
our petrol compared to oil
producing states in the
country. Therefore nothing
will be too much to protect
its sanctity," Osinowo
noted.
Also speaking, Sanai
Agunbiade explained that
the bill will also take care
of land agents who parade
themselves and seize
landed properties illegally
without recourse to the
law. "The bill would
prevent Omo-onile from
potential buyer(s) who are
usually harassed and
intimidated before and
during construction
work,"Agunbiade stated.
He further explained that
the bill would prevent
anyone, who without lawful
authority, uses or
threatens violence for the
purpose of securing entry
into any landed property
for himself or for any
other person(s).
The bill stipulates a fine of
N200,000 or two years
imprisonment for any
person found guilty of the
section on forceful
possession of lands.
The bill which is a private
member bill states that
anyone found with fire
arm, weapon or chemical
material or in company or
any -person so armed
would be liable to a death
sentence.
In his submission,
Mudashiru Obasa who had
a contrary view on the
propose bill said an
existing law which
addresses same issue
should be considered
instead of passing another
bill.
However, if the bill is
passed, a special offence
court shall try any person
found guilty, while any one
contravening it will be
liable for three years
imprisonment or N300,000.
The bill has been
committed to the
Committees on Lands and
Housing as well as
Judiciary, Human Rights
and Public Petitions to
report back in a month.
Virtually all members who
spoke on the merits and
demerits of the bill
supported it with the
conviction that when
passed into law, it would
stop the activities of
Ajagungbale (land
grabbers) and nefarious
activities of Omo-Onile in
the state which had
hitherto hindered smooth
land transactions in the
State.
Saturday 13 July 2013
mgoal:sport news
Main Articles
GOAL 50
2013 Afcon could help
Nigeria on Goal 50
12
A look at how the Super
Eagles’ triumph at the
tournament in South
Africa could assist them in
getting on this year’s list
of the best players in the
world
NIGERIA
Eagles to start
preparations for
Abidjan
10
The home-based Super
Eagles are expected to
resume camp on July 15
ahead of the important
clash against the Elephants
at the Stade Felix
Houphouet-Boigny
Blanc confident PSG
will sign Cavani
1
The 47-year-old is hopeful
that the Ligue 1
champions will soon
complete the transfer of
the Uruguay international,
but warned that a battle
lies ahead to secure the
services of Roma
defender Marquinhos
3
Illarra vows to justify
€32m fee
5
Ribery: I deserve
Ballon d'Or
BREAKING NEWS
10:04 PM Ibe
stunned after first
L'pool goal
9:46 PM Bruno
Cortez seals
Benfica loan
9:37 PM Report:
Grossapach 0-6
Bayern
9:09 PM Constant:
Milan must do
better
8:04 PM Illarra vows
to justify €32m fee
7:28 PM Norwich
sign Fer from
Twente
7:26 PM Zanetti sees
greatness in Icardi
6:54 PM Zaha rules
out Man Utd loan
exit
6:12 PM Gameiro
eyes Sevilla switch
5:55 PM Match
Report: Ghana U20
3-0 Iraq U20
5:45 PM Bruma,
Schaars & Arias join
PSV
Featured articles
Transfer Window Live!
4
Illarra key to
Ancelotti's tiki-taka
1
BVB even stronger
after Gotze departure
10
Wenger U-turns delay
€116m summer splurge
Transfer Talk: Thiago
signals Bayern desire
9
Pep takes first Bayern
risk with Thiago
3
The Goal 50 race has
never been so close
2
Bony adds charisma,
flair & goals to EPL
9
Top trends from five
years of the Goal 50
10
Goal 50: Defining the
greatest players
2
Goal 50… coming soon
TOP STORIES
Thailand All-Stars 1-0
Manchester United:
Red Devils defeated on
Moyes debut
In their opening match of
their tour of Asia, the
post-Sir Alex Ferguson era
began on a negative note
in Bangkok as Teeratep
Winothai struck the only
goal of the game
8
NIGERIA
Imoh Ezekiel gets
improved contract and
is set for Europa
League debut
4
SPAIN
Perez hints at further
signings at Illarra
unveiling
1
FRANCE
Zidane: Coaching is
tough
3
CHAMPIONS LEAGUE
Savicevic makes
match-fixing claim
1
SPAIN
Messi and Neymar can
play together, claims
Guardiola
7
GOAL 50
Goal 50: The Top 10
Nigerian Players of
2013
24
GERMANY
Grossapach 0-6 Bayern
Munich: Bavarians
stroll to six-goal
success
0
COMPETITIONS
Schedule
Table
Schedule
Matchday 1
17/08
LIV
12:45
STO
17/08
ARS
15:00
AST
17/08
SUN
15:00
FUL
17/08
WHU
15:00
CAR
17/08
NOR
15:00
EVE
17/08
WBA
15:00
SOT
17/08
SWA
17:30
MNU
18/08
CRY
13:30
TOT
18/08
CHE
16:00
HUL
19/08
MNC
20:00
NEW
VIEW ALL
FEATURED
12
GOAL 50
How the 2013 Afcon
could help Nigeria on
the Goal 50
A look at how the Super
Eagles’ triumph at the
tournament in South
Africa could assist them in
GOAL 50
2013 Afcon could help
Nigeria on Goal 50
12
A look at how the Super
Eagles’ triumph at the
tournament in South
Africa could assist them in
getting on this year’s list
of the best players in the
world
NIGERIA
Eagles to start
preparations for
Abidjan
10
The home-based Super
Eagles are expected to
resume camp on July 15
ahead of the important
clash against the Elephants
at the Stade Felix
Houphouet-Boigny
Blanc confident PSG
will sign Cavani
1
The 47-year-old is hopeful
that the Ligue 1
champions will soon
complete the transfer of
the Uruguay international,
but warned that a battle
lies ahead to secure the
services of Roma
defender Marquinhos
3
Illarra vows to justify
€32m fee
5
Ribery: I deserve
Ballon d'Or
BREAKING NEWS
10:04 PM Ibe
stunned after first
L'pool goal
9:46 PM Bruno
Cortez seals
Benfica loan
9:37 PM Report:
Grossapach 0-6
Bayern
9:09 PM Constant:
Milan must do
better
8:04 PM Illarra vows
to justify €32m fee
7:28 PM Norwich
sign Fer from
Twente
7:26 PM Zanetti sees
greatness in Icardi
6:54 PM Zaha rules
out Man Utd loan
exit
6:12 PM Gameiro
eyes Sevilla switch
5:55 PM Match
Report: Ghana U20
3-0 Iraq U20
5:45 PM Bruma,
Schaars & Arias join
PSV
Featured articles
Transfer Window Live!
4
Illarra key to
Ancelotti's tiki-taka
1
BVB even stronger
after Gotze departure
10
Wenger U-turns delay
€116m summer splurge
Transfer Talk: Thiago
signals Bayern desire
9
Pep takes first Bayern
risk with Thiago
3
The Goal 50 race has
never been so close
2
Bony adds charisma,
flair & goals to EPL
9
Top trends from five
years of the Goal 50
10
Goal 50: Defining the
greatest players
2
Goal 50… coming soon
TOP STORIES
Thailand All-Stars 1-0
Manchester United:
Red Devils defeated on
Moyes debut
In their opening match of
their tour of Asia, the
post-Sir Alex Ferguson era
began on a negative note
in Bangkok as Teeratep
Winothai struck the only
goal of the game
8
NIGERIA
Imoh Ezekiel gets
improved contract and
is set for Europa
League debut
4
SPAIN
Perez hints at further
signings at Illarra
unveiling
1
FRANCE
Zidane: Coaching is
tough
3
CHAMPIONS LEAGUE
Savicevic makes
match-fixing claim
1
SPAIN
Messi and Neymar can
play together, claims
Guardiola
7
GOAL 50
Goal 50: The Top 10
Nigerian Players of
2013
24
GERMANY
Grossapach 0-6 Bayern
Munich: Bavarians
stroll to six-goal
success
0
COMPETITIONS
Schedule
Table
Schedule
Matchday 1
17/08
LIV
12:45
STO
17/08
ARS
15:00
AST
17/08
SUN
15:00
FUL
17/08
WHU
15:00
CAR
17/08
NOR
15:00
EVE
17/08
WBA
15:00
SOT
17/08
SWA
17:30
MNU
18/08
CRY
13:30
TOT
18/08
CHE
16:00
HUL
19/08
MNC
20:00
NEW
VIEW ALL
FEATURED
12
GOAL 50
How the 2013 Afcon
could help Nigeria on
the Goal 50
A look at how the Super
Eagles’ triumph at the
tournament in South
Africa could assist them in
cunny akpors
Akpos was trying to avoid
paying doctor's fee after
an eyes operation, so he
says, "doctor, I still can't
see"
The doctor then asks a
sexy young and beautiful
nurse to undress in front
of him. Akpos then says
"I can't see!"
Doctor tells nurse to open
her legs again. Akpos
says "doctor I can't see
still."
The doctor answered
"You are stupid, if you
can't see, HOW COME
YOU ARE HAVING AN
ERECTION? Nurse, prepare
his bill please!"
paying doctor's fee after
an eyes operation, so he
says, "doctor, I still can't
see"
The doctor then asks a
sexy young and beautiful
nurse to undress in front
of him. Akpos then says
"I can't see!"
Doctor tells nurse to open
her legs again. Akpos
says "doctor I can't see
still."
The doctor answered
"You are stupid, if you
can't see, HOW COME
YOU ARE HAVING AN
ERECTION? Nurse, prepare
his bill please!"
Bad voice
I was in the public toilets
and had just sat down, a
voice from the next
cubicle said:
VOICE: Hi, how are you?
ME: Embarrassed I'm
doing fine?
VOICE: So what are you
up to?
ME: Just doing the same
as you , sitting here!
VOICE: Can I come over?
ME: [Annoyed] Rather
busy right now!
The voice then said
"Listen , I will have to call
you back, there's an idiot
next door answering all
my questions."
ME: Oops!
and had just sat down, a
voice from the next
cubicle said:
VOICE: Hi, how are you?
ME: Embarrassed I'm
doing fine?
VOICE: So what are you
up to?
ME: Just doing the same
as you , sitting here!
VOICE: Can I come over?
ME: [Annoyed] Rather
busy right now!
The voice then said
"Listen , I will have to call
you back, there's an idiot
next door answering all
my questions."
ME: Oops!
biggest insult
Caro was walking down
the road when Akpos
passed by holding a Pig.
CARO: What are you
doing with this goat
walking on the street.
AKPOS: [Laughing] Silly
you its not a goat its a Pig.
CARO: Sorry, I was talking
to the Pig!
Akpos: ???
the road when Akpos
passed by holding a Pig.
CARO: What are you
doing with this goat
walking on the street.
AKPOS: [Laughing] Silly
you its not a goat its a Pig.
CARO: Sorry, I was talking
to the Pig!
Akpos: ???
worst day of his life
A young man came into a
bar and ordered a drink,
after ordering it he didn't
drink it immediately. Then
a fat, thirsty trouble-
making truck driver came
and drank it.
MAN: Why did you do
that? You've just helped in
ruining d rest of my day!
TRUCK DRIVER: Don't
worry man but I couldn't
just stand there and
watch you stare at your
drink like that while I was
thirsty...but if you want I
can buy you 2 bottles.
MAN: That's not it, today
is the worst day of my life
first I woke up late for
work then I didn't take my
bath took my car which
eventually broke down on
the road and by the time I
got to my office my
secretary told me my
boss wanted to see me
and as I entered his office
he gave me a letter and
told me to get the hell out
his office.
Took a cab back home
and saw my wife in bed
with another man, I tried
to confront the man but
got beat up and then I
taught of the easiest way
of ending my life so I
poisoned my drink and
you spoilt it by gulping it.
TRUCK DRIVER: ??????
bar and ordered a drink,
after ordering it he didn't
drink it immediately. Then
a fat, thirsty trouble-
making truck driver came
and drank it.
MAN: Why did you do
that? You've just helped in
ruining d rest of my day!
TRUCK DRIVER: Don't
worry man but I couldn't
just stand there and
watch you stare at your
drink like that while I was
thirsty...but if you want I
can buy you 2 bottles.
MAN: That's not it, today
is the worst day of my life
first I woke up late for
work then I didn't take my
bath took my car which
eventually broke down on
the road and by the time I
got to my office my
secretary told me my
boss wanted to see me
and as I entered his office
he gave me a letter and
told me to get the hell out
his office.
Took a cab back home
and saw my wife in bed
with another man, I tried
to confront the man but
got beat up and then I
taught of the easiest way
of ending my life so I
poisoned my drink and
you spoilt it by gulping it.
TRUCK DRIVER: ??????
forgive me father
There's 3 sons of a priest.
They did some bad
crimes. One day all of
them have to drink holy
water in their father's
church.
The first man walks up
and the priest says "What
crime did you do? drink
the holy water now" he
says he killed his mother.
He drinks the water.
The second comes up,
the priest says the same
thing. He says he killed his
son. He drinks the water.
The third comes up
laughing, the priest says
"what crime did you do?"
he simply says "I peed in
the holy water."
They did some bad
crimes. One day all of
them have to drink holy
water in their father's
church.
The first man walks up
and the priest says "What
crime did you do? drink
the holy water now" he
says he killed his mother.
He drinks the water.
The second comes up,
the priest says the same
thing. He says he killed his
son. He drinks the water.
The third comes up
laughing, the priest says
"what crime did you do?"
he simply says "I peed in
the holy water."
David david david
A woman went down to
the Welfare Office to get
aid. The office worker
asked her, "How many
children do you have?"
"Ten," she replied.
"What are their names?"
he asked.
"David, David, David,
David, David, David,
David, David, David and
David," she answered.
"They're all named
David?" he asked "What if
you want them to come
in from playing outside?"
"Oh, that's easy," she
said. "I just call 'David,'
and they all come running
in."
"And, if you want them to
come to the table for
dinner?"
"I just say, 'David, come
eat your dinner'," she
answered.
"But what if you just want
ONE of them to do
something?" he asked.
"Oh, that's easy," she
said. "I just use their last
name!"
the Welfare Office to get
aid. The office worker
asked her, "How many
children do you have?"
"Ten," she replied.
"What are their names?"
he asked.
"David, David, David,
David, David, David,
David, David, David and
David," she answered.
"They're all named
David?" he asked "What if
you want them to come
in from playing outside?"
"Oh, that's easy," she
said. "I just call 'David,'
and they all come running
in."
"And, if you want them to
come to the table for
dinner?"
"I just say, 'David, come
eat your dinner'," she
answered.
"But what if you just want
ONE of them to do
something?" he asked.
"Oh, that's easy," she
said. "I just use their last
name!"
Wednesday 10 July 2013
Transfer
Football
Tuesday 9 July 2013
20.38 BST
Chelsea sign Mark
Schwarzer after
goalkeeper leaves
Fulham
• 40-year-old goalkeeper
will provide cover for Petr
Cech
• Australian signs one-
year contract after being
released
Mark Schwarzer has
joined Chelsea after being
released by Fulham at the
end of last season.
Photograph: Richard
Sellers/Sportsphoto/
Sportsphoto Ltd./Allstar
David Hytner
Chelsea have signed the
goalkeeper Mark
Schwarzer on a free
transfer to provide
competition and cover for
the first choice, Petr Cech.
The 40-year-old Australia
international was released
by Fulham at the end of
last season, after the
arrival of the Holland
goalkeeper Maarten
Stekelenburg from Roma,
and he has agreed a one-
year contract with the
Premier League's other
west London club.
Chelsea, who have
released Ross Turnbull,
had attempted to take
John Ruddy from
Norwich City only to be
deterred by his price tag.
They had offers of £5m
and £6m rejected.
Norwich wanted closer to
£10m.
Schwarzer offers safe
hands and vast
experience. He arrived in
England in 1996, when he
joined Bradford from
Kaiserslautern, and he
went on to spend 11 years
at Middlesbrough before
joining Fulham as a free
agent in 2008.
He is determined to finish
next season at the World
Cup finals in Brazil with
Australia. "We've just
qualified for Brazil and I
want to continue to play
at the highest level for as
long as possible,"
Schwarzer told Chelsea's
website. "Obviously Petr
is a fantastic goalkeeper
and the No1 goalkeeper at
Chelsea but I am here to
help push him along, he
will hopefully push me
along and help the
younger keepers at the
club as well. I'm very
excited about the
challenges ahead."
Schwarzer said of joining
Chelsea: "It's a
phenomenal club. It's one
of the biggest and best
clubs in the world, and it's
an honour to sign for
Chelsea. I didn't take
much convincing to come
here.
"There were other [offers]
but once I knew Chelsea
was interested it was very
much the case that I
wanted to try and make it
happen."
The Chelsea manager,
José Mourinho, is
expected to offer Henrique
Hilário, last season's third-
choice goalkeeper, a new
one-year contract.
Hilário's old deal has
expired but the club
remain in negotiations
over fresh terms.
Schwarzer's former club
Fulham have agreed a
new one-year deal with
Giorgos Karagounis. The
36-year-old featured 28
times for the club last
season after his free
transfer from
Panathinaikos. The
midfielder was initially
released by the Cottagers
when the retained lists
came out on 7 June.
Tuesday 9 July 2013
20.38 BST
Chelsea sign Mark
Schwarzer after
goalkeeper leaves
Fulham
• 40-year-old goalkeeper
will provide cover for Petr
Cech
• Australian signs one-
year contract after being
released
Mark Schwarzer has
joined Chelsea after being
released by Fulham at the
end of last season.
Photograph: Richard
Sellers/Sportsphoto/
Sportsphoto Ltd./Allstar
David Hytner
Chelsea have signed the
goalkeeper Mark
Schwarzer on a free
transfer to provide
competition and cover for
the first choice, Petr Cech.
The 40-year-old Australia
international was released
by Fulham at the end of
last season, after the
arrival of the Holland
goalkeeper Maarten
Stekelenburg from Roma,
and he has agreed a one-
year contract with the
Premier League's other
west London club.
Chelsea, who have
released Ross Turnbull,
had attempted to take
John Ruddy from
Norwich City only to be
deterred by his price tag.
They had offers of £5m
and £6m rejected.
Norwich wanted closer to
£10m.
Schwarzer offers safe
hands and vast
experience. He arrived in
England in 1996, when he
joined Bradford from
Kaiserslautern, and he
went on to spend 11 years
at Middlesbrough before
joining Fulham as a free
agent in 2008.
He is determined to finish
next season at the World
Cup finals in Brazil with
Australia. "We've just
qualified for Brazil and I
want to continue to play
at the highest level for as
long as possible,"
Schwarzer told Chelsea's
website. "Obviously Petr
is a fantastic goalkeeper
and the No1 goalkeeper at
Chelsea but I am here to
help push him along, he
will hopefully push me
along and help the
younger keepers at the
club as well. I'm very
excited about the
challenges ahead."
Schwarzer said of joining
Chelsea: "It's a
phenomenal club. It's one
of the biggest and best
clubs in the world, and it's
an honour to sign for
Chelsea. I didn't take
much convincing to come
here.
"There were other [offers]
but once I knew Chelsea
was interested it was very
much the case that I
wanted to try and make it
happen."
The Chelsea manager,
José Mourinho, is
expected to offer Henrique
Hilário, last season's third-
choice goalkeeper, a new
one-year contract.
Hilário's old deal has
expired but the club
remain in negotiations
over fresh terms.
Schwarzer's former club
Fulham have agreed a
new one-year deal with
Giorgos Karagounis. The
36-year-old featured 28
times for the club last
season after his free
transfer from
Panathinaikos. The
midfielder was initially
released by the Cottagers
when the retained lists
came out on 7 June.
Football
Tuesday 9 July 2013 22.30
BST
Christian Benteke will
cost £25m - and no
swap deals - Villa tell
Spurs
• Villa want cash-only deal
with White Hart Lane club
• Chelsea may have a
chance if Romelu Lukaku
is included
Aston Villa are prepared to
play hardball over the
future of Christian
Benteke. Photograph:
Scott Heavey/Getty
Images
Stuart James
Aston Villa have made it
clear that Tottenham
Hotspur will have to break
their transfer record for
the second time this
summer if they want to
sign Christian Benteke.
The Midlands club are
determined to dig their
heels in over Benteke's
future, after the Belgian
international submitted a
transfer request on
Monday, and they have
no intention of settling for
anything less than £25m.
Tottenham have tracked
Benteke for months, and
the player is understood
to favour a move to
White Hart Lane, where
he would be guaranteed
regular football, yet there
are doubts about whether
they will be able to meet
Villa's valuation, especially
after they spent £17m on
the Brazilian Paulinho this
month. One way to
finance the transfer would
be to include a player,
possibly Jermain Defoe,
but that sort of deal is of
no interest to Villa, who
will demand that Spurs
pay the fee in full.
Randy Lerner, Villa's
owner, is determined to
adopt the same hardline
stance that frustrated
Liverpool in 2008, when
Gareth Barry ended up
missing out on a move to
Anfield. Villa demanded
£18m for Barry and
refused to budge on that
figure, forcing Liverpool to
eventually concede defeat
in their attempts to sign
the England international,
who went on to join
Manchester City for £12m
a year later.
Villa's position on Benteke,
who has three years left
on his contract, poses a
major challenge for
Tottenham. André Villas-
Boas is desperate to
recruit a top-class centre-
forward, and the Spurs
manager believes Benteke
has all the attributes to
succeed at White Hart
Lane. Perhaps crucially,
Benteke has also emerged
as the most viable option
for Spurs at a time when
they have missed out on
David Villa and, for a
variety of reasons, are no
closer to signing Leandro
Damião, Roberto Soldado
or Loïc Rémy.
Tottenham could yet face
competition from Chelsea
and Arsenal, who
watched Benteke before
he joined Villa from Genk
in a £7m deal last August.
In the case of Chelsea it is
possible that Villa would
feel differently about a
makeweight if Romelu
Lukaku, who spent last
season on loan at West
Bromwich Albion, was
included as part of the
package.
Should Benteke leave Villa,
his departure will have no
bearing on Darren Bent's
future. Villa remain keen
to offload Bent whom
Alan Pardew, the
Newcastle manager,
admitted is on a list of five
strikers – which also
includes Rémy – that the
club are interested in
signing. Wolfsburg are
also monitoring Bent's
situation.
Tuesday 9 July 2013 22.30
BST
Christian Benteke will
cost £25m - and no
swap deals - Villa tell
Spurs
• Villa want cash-only deal
with White Hart Lane club
• Chelsea may have a
chance if Romelu Lukaku
is included
Aston Villa are prepared to
play hardball over the
future of Christian
Benteke. Photograph:
Scott Heavey/Getty
Images
Stuart James
Aston Villa have made it
clear that Tottenham
Hotspur will have to break
their transfer record for
the second time this
summer if they want to
sign Christian Benteke.
The Midlands club are
determined to dig their
heels in over Benteke's
future, after the Belgian
international submitted a
transfer request on
Monday, and they have
no intention of settling for
anything less than £25m.
Tottenham have tracked
Benteke for months, and
the player is understood
to favour a move to
White Hart Lane, where
he would be guaranteed
regular football, yet there
are doubts about whether
they will be able to meet
Villa's valuation, especially
after they spent £17m on
the Brazilian Paulinho this
month. One way to
finance the transfer would
be to include a player,
possibly Jermain Defoe,
but that sort of deal is of
no interest to Villa, who
will demand that Spurs
pay the fee in full.
Randy Lerner, Villa's
owner, is determined to
adopt the same hardline
stance that frustrated
Liverpool in 2008, when
Gareth Barry ended up
missing out on a move to
Anfield. Villa demanded
£18m for Barry and
refused to budge on that
figure, forcing Liverpool to
eventually concede defeat
in their attempts to sign
the England international,
who went on to join
Manchester City for £12m
a year later.
Villa's position on Benteke,
who has three years left
on his contract, poses a
major challenge for
Tottenham. André Villas-
Boas is desperate to
recruit a top-class centre-
forward, and the Spurs
manager believes Benteke
has all the attributes to
succeed at White Hart
Lane. Perhaps crucially,
Benteke has also emerged
as the most viable option
for Spurs at a time when
they have missed out on
David Villa and, for a
variety of reasons, are no
closer to signing Leandro
Damião, Roberto Soldado
or Loïc Rémy.
Tottenham could yet face
competition from Chelsea
and Arsenal, who
watched Benteke before
he joined Villa from Genk
in a £7m deal last August.
In the case of Chelsea it is
possible that Villa would
feel differently about a
makeweight if Romelu
Lukaku, who spent last
season on loan at West
Bromwich Albion, was
included as part of the
package.
Should Benteke leave Villa,
his departure will have no
bearing on Darren Bent's
future. Villa remain keen
to offload Bent whom
Alan Pardew, the
Newcastle manager,
admitted is on a list of five
strikers – which also
includes Rémy – that the
club are interested in
signing. Wolfsburg are
also monitoring Bent's
situation.
Epl transfer budget
EUROPE’S big summer
scramble kicks off
today as the transfer
window opens.
The top teams in England
have been busy recruiting
and rebuilding, doing
business totalling
£156million which can be
registered with the
Premier League and the
FA from today.
There are many more
moves ahead before the
window shuts on
September 2, with names
like Wayne Rooney,
Gareth Bale and Cristiano
Ronaldo in the mix.
SunSport looks at the
deals which could go
through in the next couple
of months.
ARSENAL
ARSENE WENGER is
still waiting for the
first of his rumoured A-
listers to arrive.
TARGETS: Gonzalo
Higuain (Real Madrid),
Wayne Rooney (Man Utd),
Ashley Williams
(Swansea), Marouane
Fellaini (Everton), Pepe
Reina (Liverpool), Tin
Jedvaj (Dinamo Zagreb).
ALREADY SIGNED:
None.
SUMMER SPEND 2012:
£40.4m.
ASTON VILLA
PAUL LAMBERT has to
sell before getting
more in.
TARGETS: Loic Remy
(QPR), Emmanuel
Adebayor (Spurs),
Jermain Defoe (Spurs).
ALREADY SIGNED:
Antonio Luna (£2m,
Seville), Aleksandar Tonev
(£2.5m, Lech Poznan),
Jores Okore (£4m,
Nordsjaelland), Leandro
Bacuna (£2.5m,
Groningen), Nicklas
Helenius (£2m, Aalborg),
Jed Steer (Free, Norwich).
SUMMER SPEND 2012:
£19.5m.
CARDIFF
MALKY MACKAY has
had an £8million offer
for Blackpool ace Tom
Ince accepted.
TARGETS: Tom Ince
(Blackpool), Victor
Wanyama (Celtic),
Benjamin Mendy (Le
Havre), Dirk Kuyt
(Fenerbahce), Kenwyne
Jones (Stoke), Bobby
Zamora (QPR).
ALREADY SIGNED:
Andreas Cornelius (£7.5m
FC Copenhagen).
SUMMER SPEND 2012:
£3.5m.
CHELSEA
JOSE MOURINHO’S
priority is to land a
superstar striker — he
also needs a
midfielder.
TARGETS: Edinson
Cavani (left, Napoli),
Robert Lewandowski
(Dortmund), Marco van
Ginkel (Vitesse Arnhem),
John Ruddy (Norwich),
Eliaquim Mangala (Porto).
ALREADY SIGNED:
Andre Schurrle (£17m,
Bayer Leverkusen).
SUMMER SPEND 2012:
£80.3m.
CRYSTAL PALACE
IAN HOLLOWAY has
agreed a £6million fee
for Peterborough
striker Dwight Gayle.
TARGETS: Charlie Adam
(Stoke), Matej Vydra
(Udinese), Yohan Mollo
(Nancy), Peter
Odemwingie (West Brom)
, Joe Walsh (Crawley).
ALREADY SIGNED:
Jerome Thomas (free,
West Brom).
SUMMER SPEND 2012:
£350,000.
WIG SICK ... Arouna
Kone could leave
Wigan to be reunited
with Roberto Martinez
at Everton
EVERTON
ROBERTO MARTINEZ is
ready to raid Wigan but
will have to fight to
keep the Toffees’ top
names.
TARGETS: Arouna Kone
(Wigan), Antolin Alcaraz
(Wigan), Scott Sinclair
(Man City), Keisuke Honda
(CSKA Moscow), Bruno
Ecuele Manga (Lorient).
ALREADY SIGNED:
None.
SUMMER SPEND 2012:
£14.7m.
FULHAM
MARTIN JOL wants to
reinforce his midfield
after last season’s late
collapse.
TARGETS: Bakary Sako
(Wolves), Tom
Huddlestone (Spurs),
Stewart Downing
(Liverpool).
ALREADY SIGNED:
Maarten Stekelenburg
(£4m, Roma), Derek
Boateng (free, Dnipro),
Fernando Amorebieta
(free, At Bilbao), Sascha
Riether (£1.3m, Cologne).
SUMMER SPEND 2012:
£7m.
HULL
STEVE BRUCE is
desperate to add some
firepower.
TARGETS: Ilombe Mboyo
(Gent), Charlie Austin
(Burnley), Carlton Cole
(West Ham), Darren Bent
(A Villa), Peter
Odemwingie (West Brom)
, Scott Carson (Bursaspor)
.
ALREADY SIGNED:
Curtis Davies (£2.5m,
Birmingham), Maynor
Figueroa (free, Wigan),
George Boyd (free,
Peterborough), Ahmed
Elmohamady (£2m,
Sunderland).
SUMMER SPEND 2012:
£2.5m.
LIVERPOOL
BRENDAN RODGERS
needs to spend if Luis
Suarez leaves.
TARGETS: Hatem Ben
Arfa (Newcastle), Henrikh
Mkhitaryan (Shakhtar
Donetsk), Ashley Williams
(Swansea).
ALREADY SIGNED: Luis
Alberto (£6.8m, Seville),
Iago Aspas (£7m, Celta
Vigo), Simon Mignolet
(£9m, Sunderland), Kolo
Toure (free, Man City).
SUMMER SPEND 2012:
£29m.
MAN CITY
MANUEL PELLEGRINI
has already spent
£45million but still
wants a top
goalscorer.
TARGETS: Mario Gomez
(B Munich), Robert
Lewandowski (Dortmund)
, Oscar Cardozo (Benfica),
Alvaro Negredo (Seville),
Pablo Osvaldo (Roma).
ALREADY SIGNED:
Fernandinho (£30m,
Shakhtar Donetsk), Jesus
Navas (£15m, Seville).
SUMMER SPEND 2012:
£28.2m.
RON IN A MILLION ...
David Moyes hopes to
bring Cristiano Ronaldo
back to Old Trafford
MAN UTD
DAVID MOYES finally
gets his chance to
spend big after 11
years on much tighter
budgets.
TARGETS: Thiago
Alcantara (Barcelona),
Robert Lewandowski
(Dortmund), Cristiano
Ronaldo (R Madrid),
Gareth Bale (Spurs),
Leighton Baines (Everton).
ALREADY SIGNED:
Guillermo Varela (£2.5m).
SUMMER SPEND 2012:
£47m.
NEWCASTLE
ALAN PARDEW wants a
striker but first he
needs a nod from new
director of football Joe
Kinnear.
TARGETS: Wilfried Bony
(Vitesse Arnhem), Andre-
Pierre Gignac (Marseille),
Darren Bent (A Villa), Siem
De Jong (Ajax), Pierre-
Emerick Aubameyang (St
Etienne), James Tomkins
(W Ham).
ALREADY SIGNED:
None.
SUMMER SPEND 2012:
£8.1m.
NORWICH
CHRIS HUGHTON is in
talks with PSV striker
Ola Toivonen after a
£4.8million bid.
TARGETS: Arouna Kone
(Wigan), Gary Hooper
(Celtic), Jonjo Shelvey
(Liverpool), Nathan
Redmond (Birmingham).
ALREADY SIGNED: Ricky
van Wolfswinkel (£8.5m,
S. Lisbon), Javier Garrido
(£1m, Lazio).
SUMMER SPEND 2012:
£12.5m.
SINC OR SWIM ...
Southampton are just
one of the clubs
tracking Manchester
City's Scott Sinclair
SOUTHAMPTON
MAURICIO
POCHETTINO has been
handed the kind of
financial backing that
will allow him to spend
big.
TARGETS: Victor
Wanyama (Celtic), Pablo
Osvaldo (Roma), Esteban
Granero (QPR), Scott
Sinclair (Man City).
ALREADY SIGNED:
Dejan Lovren (£8.5m,
Lyon).
SUMMER SPEND 2012:
£27.3m.
STOKE
MARK HUGHES spent
big at Man City and QPR
— but Sparky will have
to work on a much
tighter budget at the
Britannia Stadium.
TARGETS: Roque Santa
Cruz (free), Martin Olsson
(B’burn), Jonjo Shelvey
(L’pool).
ALREADY SIGNED: Erik
Pieters (£3m, PSV
Eindhoven).
SUMMER SPEND 2012:
£10.6m.
SUNDERLAND
PAOLO DI CANIO is
giving his squad a total
overhaul.
TARGETS: Gino Peruzzi
(Velez S), Luis Cavanda
(Lazio), Alfred Duncan
(Inter), Abel Hernandez
(Palermo), Matej Vydra
(Udinese), John Guidetti
(Man C).
ALREADY SIGNED:
David Karlsson (£1.5m,
G’burg), Modibo Diakite
(free, Lazio), Valentin
Roberge (free, Maritimo),
Cabral (free, Basle),
Duncan Watmore
(£500,000, Altrincham).
SUMMER SPEND 2012:
£25m.
SWANSEA
MICHAEL LAUDRUP is
unhappy with his
budget.
TARGETS: Wilfried Bony
(Arnhem), Jonjo Shelvey
(Liverpool), Peter
Odemwingie (West Brom)
, Arouna Kone (Wigan),
Alvaro Negredo (Seville).
ALREADY SIGNED: Jordi
Amat (£2.5m, Espanyol),
Jose Canas (free, Betis),
Gregor Zabret (undisc, NK
Domzale).
SUMMER SPEND 2012:
£15.5m.
VILLA FOR SALE ...
Tottenham are after
Barcelona striker David
Villa
TOTTENHAM
ANDRE VILLAS-BOAS is
determined to keep
Gareth Bale and plans
to spend big.
TARGETS: Tin Jedvaj (D
Zagreb), Alen Halilovic (D
Zagreb), Paulinho
(Corinthians), David Villa
(Barcelona), Christian
Benteke (Aston Villa),
Gerard Deulofeu
(Barcelona), Loic Remy
(QPR).
ALREADY SIGNED:
None.
SUMMER SPEND 2012:
£46.4m.
WEST BROM
STEVE CLARKE has his
work cut out replacing
Romelu Lukaku up front
and might have to
work the loan market
to keep Albion in the
league’s top 10.
TARGETS: Matej Vydra
(Udinese), Scott Sinclair
(Man City), Josh
McEachran (Chelsea).
ALREADY SIGNED:
None.
SUMMER SPEND 2012:
£4m.
WEST HAM
SAM ALLARYDCE wants
a partner for Andy
Carroll.
TARGETS: Wilfried Bony
(Vitesse Arnhem), Demba
Ba (Chelsea), Romelu
Lukaku (Chelsea), Jefferson
Montero (Morelia), Eljero
Elia (Werder Bremen).
ALREADY SIGNED: Andy
Carroll (£15m, Liverpool),
Razvan Rat (free, Shakhtar
Donetsk), Adrian (free,
Betis), Danny Whitehead
(£500,000, Stockport).
SUMMER SPEND 2012:
£13.3m.
scramble kicks off
today as the transfer
window opens.
The top teams in England
have been busy recruiting
and rebuilding, doing
business totalling
£156million which can be
registered with the
Premier League and the
FA from today.
There are many more
moves ahead before the
window shuts on
September 2, with names
like Wayne Rooney,
Gareth Bale and Cristiano
Ronaldo in the mix.
SunSport looks at the
deals which could go
through in the next couple
of months.
ARSENAL
ARSENE WENGER is
still waiting for the
first of his rumoured A-
listers to arrive.
TARGETS: Gonzalo
Higuain (Real Madrid),
Wayne Rooney (Man Utd),
Ashley Williams
(Swansea), Marouane
Fellaini (Everton), Pepe
Reina (Liverpool), Tin
Jedvaj (Dinamo Zagreb).
ALREADY SIGNED:
None.
SUMMER SPEND 2012:
£40.4m.
ASTON VILLA
PAUL LAMBERT has to
sell before getting
more in.
TARGETS: Loic Remy
(QPR), Emmanuel
Adebayor (Spurs),
Jermain Defoe (Spurs).
ALREADY SIGNED:
Antonio Luna (£2m,
Seville), Aleksandar Tonev
(£2.5m, Lech Poznan),
Jores Okore (£4m,
Nordsjaelland), Leandro
Bacuna (£2.5m,
Groningen), Nicklas
Helenius (£2m, Aalborg),
Jed Steer (Free, Norwich).
SUMMER SPEND 2012:
£19.5m.
CARDIFF
MALKY MACKAY has
had an £8million offer
for Blackpool ace Tom
Ince accepted.
TARGETS: Tom Ince
(Blackpool), Victor
Wanyama (Celtic),
Benjamin Mendy (Le
Havre), Dirk Kuyt
(Fenerbahce), Kenwyne
Jones (Stoke), Bobby
Zamora (QPR).
ALREADY SIGNED:
Andreas Cornelius (£7.5m
FC Copenhagen).
SUMMER SPEND 2012:
£3.5m.
CHELSEA
JOSE MOURINHO’S
priority is to land a
superstar striker — he
also needs a
midfielder.
TARGETS: Edinson
Cavani (left, Napoli),
Robert Lewandowski
(Dortmund), Marco van
Ginkel (Vitesse Arnhem),
John Ruddy (Norwich),
Eliaquim Mangala (Porto).
ALREADY SIGNED:
Andre Schurrle (£17m,
Bayer Leverkusen).
SUMMER SPEND 2012:
£80.3m.
CRYSTAL PALACE
IAN HOLLOWAY has
agreed a £6million fee
for Peterborough
striker Dwight Gayle.
TARGETS: Charlie Adam
(Stoke), Matej Vydra
(Udinese), Yohan Mollo
(Nancy), Peter
Odemwingie (West Brom)
, Joe Walsh (Crawley).
ALREADY SIGNED:
Jerome Thomas (free,
West Brom).
SUMMER SPEND 2012:
£350,000.
WIG SICK ... Arouna
Kone could leave
Wigan to be reunited
with Roberto Martinez
at Everton
EVERTON
ROBERTO MARTINEZ is
ready to raid Wigan but
will have to fight to
keep the Toffees’ top
names.
TARGETS: Arouna Kone
(Wigan), Antolin Alcaraz
(Wigan), Scott Sinclair
(Man City), Keisuke Honda
(CSKA Moscow), Bruno
Ecuele Manga (Lorient).
ALREADY SIGNED:
None.
SUMMER SPEND 2012:
£14.7m.
FULHAM
MARTIN JOL wants to
reinforce his midfield
after last season’s late
collapse.
TARGETS: Bakary Sako
(Wolves), Tom
Huddlestone (Spurs),
Stewart Downing
(Liverpool).
ALREADY SIGNED:
Maarten Stekelenburg
(£4m, Roma), Derek
Boateng (free, Dnipro),
Fernando Amorebieta
(free, At Bilbao), Sascha
Riether (£1.3m, Cologne).
SUMMER SPEND 2012:
£7m.
HULL
STEVE BRUCE is
desperate to add some
firepower.
TARGETS: Ilombe Mboyo
(Gent), Charlie Austin
(Burnley), Carlton Cole
(West Ham), Darren Bent
(A Villa), Peter
Odemwingie (West Brom)
, Scott Carson (Bursaspor)
.
ALREADY SIGNED:
Curtis Davies (£2.5m,
Birmingham), Maynor
Figueroa (free, Wigan),
George Boyd (free,
Peterborough), Ahmed
Elmohamady (£2m,
Sunderland).
SUMMER SPEND 2012:
£2.5m.
LIVERPOOL
BRENDAN RODGERS
needs to spend if Luis
Suarez leaves.
TARGETS: Hatem Ben
Arfa (Newcastle), Henrikh
Mkhitaryan (Shakhtar
Donetsk), Ashley Williams
(Swansea).
ALREADY SIGNED: Luis
Alberto (£6.8m, Seville),
Iago Aspas (£7m, Celta
Vigo), Simon Mignolet
(£9m, Sunderland), Kolo
Toure (free, Man City).
SUMMER SPEND 2012:
£29m.
MAN CITY
MANUEL PELLEGRINI
has already spent
£45million but still
wants a top
goalscorer.
TARGETS: Mario Gomez
(B Munich), Robert
Lewandowski (Dortmund)
, Oscar Cardozo (Benfica),
Alvaro Negredo (Seville),
Pablo Osvaldo (Roma).
ALREADY SIGNED:
Fernandinho (£30m,
Shakhtar Donetsk), Jesus
Navas (£15m, Seville).
SUMMER SPEND 2012:
£28.2m.
RON IN A MILLION ...
David Moyes hopes to
bring Cristiano Ronaldo
back to Old Trafford
MAN UTD
DAVID MOYES finally
gets his chance to
spend big after 11
years on much tighter
budgets.
TARGETS: Thiago
Alcantara (Barcelona),
Robert Lewandowski
(Dortmund), Cristiano
Ronaldo (R Madrid),
Gareth Bale (Spurs),
Leighton Baines (Everton).
ALREADY SIGNED:
Guillermo Varela (£2.5m).
SUMMER SPEND 2012:
£47m.
NEWCASTLE
ALAN PARDEW wants a
striker but first he
needs a nod from new
director of football Joe
Kinnear.
TARGETS: Wilfried Bony
(Vitesse Arnhem), Andre-
Pierre Gignac (Marseille),
Darren Bent (A Villa), Siem
De Jong (Ajax), Pierre-
Emerick Aubameyang (St
Etienne), James Tomkins
(W Ham).
ALREADY SIGNED:
None.
SUMMER SPEND 2012:
£8.1m.
NORWICH
CHRIS HUGHTON is in
talks with PSV striker
Ola Toivonen after a
£4.8million bid.
TARGETS: Arouna Kone
(Wigan), Gary Hooper
(Celtic), Jonjo Shelvey
(Liverpool), Nathan
Redmond (Birmingham).
ALREADY SIGNED: Ricky
van Wolfswinkel (£8.5m,
S. Lisbon), Javier Garrido
(£1m, Lazio).
SUMMER SPEND 2012:
£12.5m.
SINC OR SWIM ...
Southampton are just
one of the clubs
tracking Manchester
City's Scott Sinclair
SOUTHAMPTON
MAURICIO
POCHETTINO has been
handed the kind of
financial backing that
will allow him to spend
big.
TARGETS: Victor
Wanyama (Celtic), Pablo
Osvaldo (Roma), Esteban
Granero (QPR), Scott
Sinclair (Man City).
ALREADY SIGNED:
Dejan Lovren (£8.5m,
Lyon).
SUMMER SPEND 2012:
£27.3m.
STOKE
MARK HUGHES spent
big at Man City and QPR
— but Sparky will have
to work on a much
tighter budget at the
Britannia Stadium.
TARGETS: Roque Santa
Cruz (free), Martin Olsson
(B’burn), Jonjo Shelvey
(L’pool).
ALREADY SIGNED: Erik
Pieters (£3m, PSV
Eindhoven).
SUMMER SPEND 2012:
£10.6m.
SUNDERLAND
PAOLO DI CANIO is
giving his squad a total
overhaul.
TARGETS: Gino Peruzzi
(Velez S), Luis Cavanda
(Lazio), Alfred Duncan
(Inter), Abel Hernandez
(Palermo), Matej Vydra
(Udinese), John Guidetti
(Man C).
ALREADY SIGNED:
David Karlsson (£1.5m,
G’burg), Modibo Diakite
(free, Lazio), Valentin
Roberge (free, Maritimo),
Cabral (free, Basle),
Duncan Watmore
(£500,000, Altrincham).
SUMMER SPEND 2012:
£25m.
SWANSEA
MICHAEL LAUDRUP is
unhappy with his
budget.
TARGETS: Wilfried Bony
(Arnhem), Jonjo Shelvey
(Liverpool), Peter
Odemwingie (West Brom)
, Arouna Kone (Wigan),
Alvaro Negredo (Seville).
ALREADY SIGNED: Jordi
Amat (£2.5m, Espanyol),
Jose Canas (free, Betis),
Gregor Zabret (undisc, NK
Domzale).
SUMMER SPEND 2012:
£15.5m.
VILLA FOR SALE ...
Tottenham are after
Barcelona striker David
Villa
TOTTENHAM
ANDRE VILLAS-BOAS is
determined to keep
Gareth Bale and plans
to spend big.
TARGETS: Tin Jedvaj (D
Zagreb), Alen Halilovic (D
Zagreb), Paulinho
(Corinthians), David Villa
(Barcelona), Christian
Benteke (Aston Villa),
Gerard Deulofeu
(Barcelona), Loic Remy
(QPR).
ALREADY SIGNED:
None.
SUMMER SPEND 2012:
£46.4m.
WEST BROM
STEVE CLARKE has his
work cut out replacing
Romelu Lukaku up front
and might have to
work the loan market
to keep Albion in the
league’s top 10.
TARGETS: Matej Vydra
(Udinese), Scott Sinclair
(Man City), Josh
McEachran (Chelsea).
ALREADY SIGNED:
None.
SUMMER SPEND 2012:
£4m.
WEST HAM
SAM ALLARYDCE wants
a partner for Andy
Carroll.
TARGETS: Wilfried Bony
(Vitesse Arnhem), Demba
Ba (Chelsea), Romelu
Lukaku (Chelsea), Jefferson
Montero (Morelia), Eljero
Elia (Werder Bremen).
ALREADY SIGNED: Andy
Carroll (£15m, Liverpool),
Razvan Rat (free, Shakhtar
Donetsk), Adrian (free,
Betis), Danny Whitehead
(£500,000, Stockport).
SUMMER SPEND 2012:
£13.3m.
Saturday 6 July 2013
NAMING CEREMONY
Akpors insisted that his
first child
must bear his name.
So on the day of
naming...
Rev: Which name would
u like ur
child to bear?
Akpors (with smile all
over his face)
replied; Akpors.
Rev: NO! He has to bear
an English
name.
Akpors: Oh ok...
Akporsking.
Rev (Obviously tired of
the prank):
LISTEN! Ur son should
be named after
a saint in the Bible.
Akpors: Na wa o...
(He thought for a while
and
obviously with an
inspiration and
great smile)
"Ok pastor; St.
Akporstus"
English class:
Teacher: What is a
Verb?
Akpos: A Verb is a valve
found in bicycle tyre.
Teacher: What are you
saying?
Akpos: It is a complete
sentence sir.
Teacher: Are you mad?
Akpos: It is a question
sir.
Teacher: Don't be
silly.
Akpos: It is an advice
sir.
Teacher: Stop that
nonsense.
Akpos: It is a command
sir.
Teacher: You're an .
Akpos: It is an insult sir.
Teacher: Get out of my
class.
Akpos: It is an order sir.
Teacher: Oh! Goodness,
What a boy!
Akpos: It is an
exclamation sir.
Teacher: May God have
mercy on you.
Akpos: It is a prayer sir.
Teacher: You need to
see a doctor.
Akpos: It is a
suggestion sir.
Teacher: I rest my case.
Akpos: It is ur choice sir.
Akpos joining the Army:
Officer: We need you in
the army.
Akpos: I’ll join but on
three conditions.
Officer: Ok. what are
the conditions?
Akpos: My first
condition is that I’ll not
wear the uniform
because it is hot.
Officer: Ok. What is the
second
condition?
Akpos: I’ll not do the
perade and other
training under the sun
because it is hot.
I’ll only do it under the
shed or some kind
of
shadow cover.
Officer: Ok. What is your
third condition?
Akpos: And my last and
most important
condition is that during
war times, I’ll remain
on leave.
WHO IS THE MUMU?
Akpors was sent to
deliver a live
chicken for xmas
celebration in
lagos, on his way a
careless
okada made him to fall
off
the bike. The chicken
immediately ran off.
When Akpors saw the
chicken
running away, he
started
laughing. And when
asked why
… he is laughing, he said:
“see this mumu chicken,
where
does she know in lagos
when the address is
with
me.
A pastor announced, "If
you
know your wife is
controlling
you, move to the left".
All the men
in the church moved to
left
except Akpos.
The pastor was
amused and
asked, "How come your
wife
can't control you?"
Akpos quietly replied,
"Pastor, it's
my wife who told me
not to
move"
A Teacher trying to
teach good
manners
asked her students this
Question:
Michael if you were on a
date having
dinner with a nice young
lady,
how would you tell her
that you have
to go
to the bathroom??
Michael:"Just a
minute, I have to go
pee.." Teacher: That
would be rude &
impolite..
How about you Sam??
Sam said:"I
really need to go to the
Toilet,
i'm sorry.." Teacher:
That's better but
still not nice to
say the word Toilet..
Oh you Akpos ?? Can
you use your
brain?? Akpos
said:"Darling, May i
please be
excused for a
moment?? I've got to
shake
hands with a very dear
friend of mine,
whom i hope to
introduce to you after
dinner." "TEACHER
FAINTED!!!"~o)~ o)
Akpos has been
admiring his
neighbor's
wife. The neighbor's
wife always gives
him this seductive
smile
whenever they
greet each other.
Akpos didn't know
how to approach the
lady to tell her of his
desires because she's
married. So, one
day the lady herself
approached
Akpors alone in his
apartment.
AKPOS: Hi.
LADY: Hi.
AKPOS: Is everything
alright?
LADY: Yes. Just need
little help from you
(Smiling seductively).
AKPOS: Wow!
Anything
for the angel.
LADY: I... I... I just
don't
know how to
say this. I'll be so
ashamed of myself if I
ask
and you say no.
AKPOS: Oh my lady.
you
don't have to.
I am ready to do
anything for you.
LADY: You know, it's
been over 3 weeks
since my husband
travelled...
AKPOS: Yes! Yes! Yes!
LADY: And even when
he's around, he
has
some... (pause for a
while) he has some
disabilities...-
AKPOS: Oh poor you...
You must have
been going through
hell!
LADY: I know you'll be
stronger than
him...
AKPOS: Sure.
LADY: Can you help
me?
AKPOS: Wow! Now?
Sure, I'm ready if
you are ready.
LADY: Oh thanks
goodness! that's why
I
came to you. Can you
help me carry our
deep freezer from our
kitchen to the
next street for
repairs?
Akpos nearly Cried!!!
Akpors insisted that his
first child
must bear his name.
So on the day of
naming...
Rev: Which name would
u like ur
child to bear?
Akpors (with smile all
over his face)
replied; Akpors.
Rev: NO! He has to bear
an English
name.
Akpors: Oh ok...
Akporsking.
Rev (Obviously tired of
the prank):
LISTEN! Ur son should
be named after
a saint in the Bible.
Akpors: Na wa o...
(He thought for a while
and
obviously with an
inspiration and
great smile)
"Ok pastor; St.
Akporstus"
English class:
Teacher: What is a
Verb?
Akpos: A Verb is a valve
found in bicycle tyre.
Teacher: What are you
saying?
Akpos: It is a complete
sentence sir.
Teacher: Are you mad?
Akpos: It is a question
sir.
Teacher: Don't be
silly.
Akpos: It is an advice
sir.
Teacher: Stop that
nonsense.
Akpos: It is a command
sir.
Teacher: You're an .
Akpos: It is an insult sir.
Teacher: Get out of my
class.
Akpos: It is an order sir.
Teacher: Oh! Goodness,
What a boy!
Akpos: It is an
exclamation sir.
Teacher: May God have
mercy on you.
Akpos: It is a prayer sir.
Teacher: You need to
see a doctor.
Akpos: It is a
suggestion sir.
Teacher: I rest my case.
Akpos: It is ur choice sir.
Akpos joining the Army:
Officer: We need you in
the army.
Akpos: I’ll join but on
three conditions.
Officer: Ok. what are
the conditions?
Akpos: My first
condition is that I’ll not
wear the uniform
because it is hot.
Officer: Ok. What is the
second
condition?
Akpos: I’ll not do the
perade and other
training under the sun
because it is hot.
I’ll only do it under the
shed or some kind
of
shadow cover.
Officer: Ok. What is your
third condition?
Akpos: And my last and
most important
condition is that during
war times, I’ll remain
on leave.
WHO IS THE MUMU?
Akpors was sent to
deliver a live
chicken for xmas
celebration in
lagos, on his way a
careless
okada made him to fall
off
the bike. The chicken
immediately ran off.
When Akpors saw the
chicken
running away, he
started
laughing. And when
asked why
… he is laughing, he said:
“see this mumu chicken,
where
does she know in lagos
when the address is
with
me.
A pastor announced, "If
you
know your wife is
controlling
you, move to the left".
All the men
in the church moved to
left
except Akpos.
The pastor was
amused and
asked, "How come your
wife
can't control you?"
Akpos quietly replied,
"Pastor, it's
my wife who told me
not to
move"
A Teacher trying to
teach good
manners
asked her students this
Question:
Michael if you were on a
date having
dinner with a nice young
lady,
how would you tell her
that you have
to go
to the bathroom??
Michael:"Just a
minute, I have to go
pee.." Teacher: That
would be rude &
impolite..
How about you Sam??
Sam said:"I
really need to go to the
Toilet,
i'm sorry.." Teacher:
That's better but
still not nice to
say the word Toilet..
Oh you Akpos ?? Can
you use your
brain?? Akpos
said:"Darling, May i
please be
excused for a
moment?? I've got to
shake
hands with a very dear
friend of mine,
whom i hope to
introduce to you after
dinner." "TEACHER
FAINTED!!!"~o)~ o)
Akpos has been
admiring his
neighbor's
wife. The neighbor's
wife always gives
him this seductive
smile
whenever they
greet each other.
Akpos didn't know
how to approach the
lady to tell her of his
desires because she's
married. So, one
day the lady herself
approached
Akpors alone in his
apartment.
AKPOS: Hi.
LADY: Hi.
AKPOS: Is everything
alright?
LADY: Yes. Just need
little help from you
(Smiling seductively).
AKPOS: Wow!
Anything
for the angel.
LADY: I... I... I just
don't
know how to
say this. I'll be so
ashamed of myself if I
ask
and you say no.
AKPOS: Oh my lady.
you
don't have to.
I am ready to do
anything for you.
LADY: You know, it's
been over 3 weeks
since my husband
travelled...
AKPOS: Yes! Yes! Yes!
LADY: And even when
he's around, he
has
some... (pause for a
while) he has some
disabilities...-
AKPOS: Oh poor you...
You must have
been going through
hell!
LADY: I know you'll be
stronger than
him...
AKPOS: Sure.
LADY: Can you help
me?
AKPOS: Wow! Now?
Sure, I'm ready if
you are ready.
LADY: Oh thanks
goodness! that's why
I
came to you. Can you
help me carry our
deep freezer from our
kitchen to the
next street for
repairs?
Akpos nearly Cried!!!
funniest akpors jokes
An angry wife (Ekaitte) 2
her
husband
(Akpors) on phone.
Ekaitte: Where the hell are
you? ...
... Akpors: Honey, u
remember
dat gold shop
where u saw the
diamond
necklace & totally
fell in luv wit it?
Ekaitte (relaxed): Yes, my
king
Akpors: Remember I had
no
cash 2 buy it 4 u
dat day & I said I will buy
it 4 u
one day?
Ekaitte (totally relaxed
with a
smile & a blush):
Yes I remember my love!
Akpors: Good, I am in a
beer
palour next to
that shop!
More to come...
A Community pastor
was getting
tired of
hearing his congregation
confess of adultery
every time.
So, he told the
community to
adopt saying
they have "fallen" & not
go into
details.
(As he would
understand)
The old Pastor died &
Pastor
Akpors - a new
pastor from outside the
town
was sworn in.
Everyday people go to
him & say
they have
fallen.
Pastor Akpors being
concerned &
not
knowing what's going on
called
the village
chief & said to him,
"I think u should get the
pavements fixed,
people tell me that they
have
fallen everyday."
The Chief laughed
hysterically
knowing exactly
what it means.
"Don't laugh" says Pastor
Akpors.
"Your wife fell 7 times
this week"
The chief fainted
1)Akpos goes to a store
for
groceries. He finds cat
food at a
very special low price. He
buys
a dozen cans of cat food.
The
manager sees this and
thinks
that Akpos probably
doesn't
own a cat and he might
give
the cat food to his
children. He
goes to Akpos and ask
him to
bring the cat as proof for
him
to buy the cat food.
Akpos goes
and bring his cat and the
manager lets him buy the
dozen cans.
A few days later Akpos
finds
dog food at a low lower
price.
He buys a dozen cans of
dog
food. Again the manager
wants
proof that he owns the
dog.
Akpos goes to get his
dog and
the manager lets him
buy.
A few days later Akpos
goes to
the store carrying a bag.
He ask
the manager to put his
hand in
the bag and feel what is
inside.
After feeling what's in the
bag
the manager says, "What
the
f**k? What is this? Is this
poo?"
Akpos nodded and
replied, "Yes
I wanted to buy toilet
paper
and I don't want you to
send
me back for proof again."
2)akpos a bus driver was
arguing with his coductor
on who was more
brilliant.
DRIVER: U nor go school.
CONDUCTOR: Haba! I go
school
pass u.
DRIVER: Oya, wetin b 2
times 2?
CONDUCTOR: Ahan! Very
easy!
Dat one na 22 now.
DRIVER: Fool! Person tell
u d
answer for back abi.
her
husband
(Akpors) on phone.
Ekaitte: Where the hell are
you? ...
... Akpors: Honey, u
remember
dat gold shop
where u saw the
diamond
necklace & totally
fell in luv wit it?
Ekaitte (relaxed): Yes, my
king
Akpors: Remember I had
no
cash 2 buy it 4 u
dat day & I said I will buy
it 4 u
one day?
Ekaitte (totally relaxed
with a
smile & a blush):
Yes I remember my love!
Akpors: Good, I am in a
beer
palour next to
that shop!
More to come...
A Community pastor
was getting
tired of
hearing his congregation
confess of adultery
every time.
So, he told the
community to
adopt saying
they have "fallen" & not
go into
details.
(As he would
understand)
The old Pastor died &
Pastor
Akpors - a new
pastor from outside the
town
was sworn in.
Everyday people go to
him & say
they have
fallen.
Pastor Akpors being
concerned &
not
knowing what's going on
called
the village
chief & said to him,
"I think u should get the
pavements fixed,
people tell me that they
have
fallen everyday."
The Chief laughed
hysterically
knowing exactly
what it means.
"Don't laugh" says Pastor
Akpors.
"Your wife fell 7 times
this week"
The chief fainted
1)Akpos goes to a store
for
groceries. He finds cat
food at a
very special low price. He
buys
a dozen cans of cat food.
The
manager sees this and
thinks
that Akpos probably
doesn't
own a cat and he might
give
the cat food to his
children. He
goes to Akpos and ask
him to
bring the cat as proof for
him
to buy the cat food.
Akpos goes
and bring his cat and the
manager lets him buy the
dozen cans.
A few days later Akpos
finds
dog food at a low lower
price.
He buys a dozen cans of
dog
food. Again the manager
wants
proof that he owns the
dog.
Akpos goes to get his
dog and
the manager lets him
buy.
A few days later Akpos
goes to
the store carrying a bag.
He ask
the manager to put his
hand in
the bag and feel what is
inside.
After feeling what's in the
bag
the manager says, "What
the
f**k? What is this? Is this
poo?"
Akpos nodded and
replied, "Yes
I wanted to buy toilet
paper
and I don't want you to
send
me back for proof again."
2)akpos a bus driver was
arguing with his coductor
on who was more
brilliant.
DRIVER: U nor go school.
CONDUCTOR: Haba! I go
school
pass u.
DRIVER: Oya, wetin b 2
times 2?
CONDUCTOR: Ahan! Very
easy!
Dat one na 22 now.
DRIVER: Fool! Person tell
u d
answer for back abi.
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