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Saturday 21 September 2013
joke
A guy joins a monastery
and takes a vow of
silence: he’s allowed to
say two words every
seven years. After the
first seven years, the
elders bring him in and
ask for his two words.
"Cold floors," he says.
They nod and send him
away. Seven more years
pass. They bring him
back in and ask for his
two words. He clears his
throats and says, "Bad
food." They nod and
send him away. Seven
more years pass. They
bring him in for his two
words. "I quit," he says.
"That’s not surprising,"
the elders say. "You’ve
done nothing but
complain since you got
here."
and takes a vow of
silence: he’s allowed to
say two words every
seven years. After the
first seven years, the
elders bring him in and
ask for his two words.
"Cold floors," he says.
They nod and send him
away. Seven more years
pass. They bring him
back in and ask for his
two words. He clears his
throats and says, "Bad
food." They nod and
send him away. Seven
more years pass. They
bring him in for his two
words. "I quit," he says.
"That’s not surprising,"
the elders say. "You’ve
done nothing but
complain since you got
here."
story
I was walking across a
bridge one day, and I
saw a man standing on
the edge, about to jump
off. So I ran over and
said "Stop! Don't do it!"
"Why shouldn't I?" he
said. "Well, there's so
much to live for!" "Like
what?" "Well... are you
religious?" He said yes. I
said, "Me too! Are you
Christian or Buddhist?"
"Christian." "Me too! Are
you Catholic or
Protestant ? "Protestant."
"Me too! Are you
Episcopalian or Baptist?"
"Baptist" "Wow! Me too!
Are you Baptist Church of
God or Baptist Church of
the Lord?" "Baptist
Church of God!" "Me too!
Are you original Baptist
Church of God, or are
you reformed Baptist
Church of God?"
"Reformed Baptist Church
of God!" "Me too! Are you
Reformed Baptist Church
of God, reformation of
1879, or Reformed
Baptist Church of God,
reformation of 1915?" He
said, "Reformed Baptist
Church of God,
reformation of 1915!" I
said, "Die, heretic scum",
and pushed him off.
(Emo Philips)
bridge one day, and I
saw a man standing on
the edge, about to jump
off. So I ran over and
said "Stop! Don't do it!"
"Why shouldn't I?" he
said. "Well, there's so
much to live for!" "Like
what?" "Well... are you
religious?" He said yes. I
said, "Me too! Are you
Christian or Buddhist?"
"Christian." "Me too! Are
you Catholic or
Protestant ? "Protestant."
"Me too! Are you
Episcopalian or Baptist?"
"Baptist" "Wow! Me too!
Are you Baptist Church of
God or Baptist Church of
the Lord?" "Baptist
Church of God!" "Me too!
Are you original Baptist
Church of God, or are
you reformed Baptist
Church of God?"
"Reformed Baptist Church
of God!" "Me too! Are you
Reformed Baptist Church
of God, reformation of
1879, or Reformed
Baptist Church of God,
reformation of 1915?" He
said, "Reformed Baptist
Church of God,
reformation of 1915!" I
said, "Die, heretic scum",
and pushed him off.
(Emo Philips)
labs
A guy dies and is sent to
Hell. Satan meets him,
shows him doors to
three rooms, and says he
must choose one to
spend eternity in. In the
first room, people are
standing in shit up to
their necks. The guy says
"no, let me see the next
room." In the second
room, people are
standing with shit up to
their noses. Guy says no
again. Finally, Satan
opens the door to the
third room. People are
standing with shit up to
their knees, drinking
coffee and eating danish
pastries. The guy says, "I
pick this room." Satan
says okay and starts to
leave, and the guy wades
in and starts pouring
some coffee. On the way
out Satan yells, "O.K.,
coffee break's over.
Everyone back on your
heads!"
Hell. Satan meets him,
shows him doors to
three rooms, and says he
must choose one to
spend eternity in. In the
first room, people are
standing in shit up to
their necks. The guy says
"no, let me see the next
room." In the second
room, people are
standing with shit up to
their noses. Guy says no
again. Finally, Satan
opens the door to the
third room. People are
standing with shit up to
their knees, drinking
coffee and eating danish
pastries. The guy says, "I
pick this room." Satan
says okay and starts to
leave, and the guy wades
in and starts pouring
some coffee. On the way
out Satan yells, "O.K.,
coffee break's over.
Everyone back on your
heads!"
Two campers
Two campers are
walking through the
woods when a huge
brown bear suddenly
appears in the clearing
about 50 feet in front of
them. The bear sees the
campers and begins to
head toward them. The
first guys drops his
backpack, digs out a pair
of sneakers, and
frantically begins to put
them on. The second
guys says, "What are
you doing? Sneakers
won’t help you outrun
that bear." "I don't need
to outrun the bear," the
first guy says. "I just
need to outrun you."
walking through the
woods when a huge
brown bear suddenly
appears in the clearing
about 50 feet in front of
them. The bear sees the
campers and begins to
head toward them. The
first guys drops his
backpack, digs out a pair
of sneakers, and
frantically begins to put
them on. The second
guys says, "What are
you doing? Sneakers
won’t help you outrun
that bear." "I don't need
to outrun the bear," the
first guy says. "I just
need to outrun you."
Talks
A guy is sitting at home
when he hears a knock at
the door. He opens the
door and sees a snail on
the porch. He picks up
the snail and throws it as
far as he can. Three years
later, there’s a knock on
the door. He opens it and
sees the same snail. The
snail says "What the hell
was that all about?"
when he hears a knock at
the door. He opens the
door and sees a snail on
the porch. He picks up
the snail and throws it as
far as he can. Three years
later, there’s a knock on
the door. He opens it and
sees the same snail. The
snail says "What the hell
was that all about?"
A guy has a talking dog
A guy has a talking dog.
He brings it to a talent
scout. "This dog can
speak English," he claims
to the unimpressed
agent. "Okay, Sport," the
guys says to the dog,
"what’s on the top of a
house?" "Roof!" the dog
replies. "Oh, come on..."
the talent agent responds.
"All dogs go ‘roof’." "No,
wait," the guy says. He
asks the dog "what does
sandpaper feel like?"
"Rough!" the dog
answers. The talent agent
gives a condescending
blank stare. He is losing
his patience. "No, hang
on," the guy says. "This
one will amaze you. " He
turns and asks the dog:
"Who, in your opinion,
was the greatest baseball
player of all time?" "Ruth!"
goes the dog. And the
talent scout, having seen
enough, boots them out
of his office onto the
street. And the dog turns
to the guy and says
"Maybe I shoulda said
DiMaggio?"
He brings it to a talent
scout. "This dog can
speak English," he claims
to the unimpressed
agent. "Okay, Sport," the
guys says to the dog,
"what’s on the top of a
house?" "Roof!" the dog
replies. "Oh, come on..."
the talent agent responds.
"All dogs go ‘roof’." "No,
wait," the guy says. He
asks the dog "what does
sandpaper feel like?"
"Rough!" the dog
answers. The talent agent
gives a condescending
blank stare. He is losing
his patience. "No, hang
on," the guy says. "This
one will amaze you. " He
turns and asks the dog:
"Who, in your opinion,
was the greatest baseball
player of all time?" "Ruth!"
goes the dog. And the
talent scout, having seen
enough, boots them out
of his office onto the
street. And the dog turns
to the guy and says
"Maybe I shoulda said
DiMaggio?"
A guy meets a hooker in the bar
A guy meets a hooker in
a bar. She says, "This is
your lucky night. I’ve got
a special game for you.
I’ll do absolutely anything
you want for $300, as
long as you can say it in
three words." The guy
replies, "Hey, why not?"
He pull his wallet out of
his pocket, and one at a
time lays three hundred-
dollar bills on the bar, and
says, slowly: "Paint…
my…house."
a bar. She says, "This is
your lucky night. I’ve got
a special game for you.
I’ll do absolutely anything
you want for $300, as
long as you can say it in
three words." The guy
replies, "Hey, why not?"
He pull his wallet out of
his pocket, and one at a
time lays three hundred-
dollar bills on the bar, and
says, slowly: "Paint…
my…house."
the transport
On a passenger flight, the
pilot comes over the
public address system as
usual and to greet the
passengers. He tells them
at what altitude they’ll be
flying, the expected
arrival time, and a bit
about the weather, and
advises them to relax and
have a good flight.. Then,
forgetting to turn off the
microphone, he says to
his co-pilot, "What would
relax me right now is a
cup of coffee and a
blowjob." All the
passengers hear it. As a
stewardess immediately
begins to run toward the
cockpit to tell the pilot of
his slip-up, one of the
passengers stops her and
says "Don’t forget the
coffee!"
pilot comes over the
public address system as
usual and to greet the
passengers. He tells them
at what altitude they’ll be
flying, the expected
arrival time, and a bit
about the weather, and
advises them to relax and
have a good flight.. Then,
forgetting to turn off the
microphone, he says to
his co-pilot, "What would
relax me right now is a
cup of coffee and a
blowjob." All the
passengers hear it. As a
stewardess immediately
begins to run toward the
cockpit to tell the pilot of
his slip-up, one of the
passengers stops her and
says "Don’t forget the
coffee!"
joke
A guy enters a bar
carrying an alligator. Says
to the patrons, "Here’s a
deal. I'll open this
alligator's mouth and
place my genitals inside.
The gator will close his
mouth for one minute,
then open it, and I'll
remove my unit
unscathed. If it works,
everyone buys me
drinks." The crowd
agrees. The guy drops
his pants and puts his
privates in the gator's
mouth. Gator closes
mouth. After a minute,
the guy grabs a beer
bottle and bangs the
gator on the top of its
head. The gator opens
wide, and he removes
his genitals unscathed.
Everyone buys him
drinks. Then he says: "I'll
pay anyone $100 who's
willing to give it a try."
After a while, a hand
goes up in the back of the
bar. It's a woman. "I'll
give it a try," she says,
"but you have to promise
not to hit me on the head
with the beer bottle."
carrying an alligator. Says
to the patrons, "Here’s a
deal. I'll open this
alligator's mouth and
place my genitals inside.
The gator will close his
mouth for one minute,
then open it, and I'll
remove my unit
unscathed. If it works,
everyone buys me
drinks." The crowd
agrees. The guy drops
his pants and puts his
privates in the gator's
mouth. Gator closes
mouth. After a minute,
the guy grabs a beer
bottle and bangs the
gator on the top of its
head. The gator opens
wide, and he removes
his genitals unscathed.
Everyone buys him
drinks. Then he says: "I'll
pay anyone $100 who's
willing to give it a try."
After a while, a hand
goes up in the back of the
bar. It's a woman. "I'll
give it a try," she says,
"but you have to promise
not to hit me on the head
with the beer bottle."
three kids
Three kids come down to
the kitchen and sit around
the breakfast table. The
mother asks the oldest
boy what he’d like to eat.
"I’ll have some fuckin’
French toast," he says.
The mother is outraged
at his language, hits him,
and sends him upstairs.
She asks the middle child
what he wants. "Well, I
guess that leaves more
fuckin’ French toast for
me," he says. She is livid,
smacks him, and sends
him away. Finally she
asks the youngest son
what he wants for
breakfast. "I don’t know,"
he says meekly, "but I
definitely don’t want the
fuckin’ French toast."
the kitchen and sit around
the breakfast table. The
mother asks the oldest
boy what he’d like to eat.
"I’ll have some fuckin’
French toast," he says.
The mother is outraged
at his language, hits him,
and sends him upstairs.
She asks the middle child
what he wants. "Well, I
guess that leaves more
fuckin’ French toast for
me," he says. She is livid,
smacks him, and sends
him away. Finally she
asks the youngest son
what he wants for
breakfast. "I don’t know,"
he says meekly, "but I
definitely don’t want the
fuckin’ French toast."
jokes
Two campers are hiking
in the woods when one
is bitten on the rear end
by a rattlesnake. "I’ll go
into town for a doctor,"
the other says. He runs
ten miles to a small town
and finds the town’s only
doctor, who is delivering
a baby. "I can’t leave," the
doctor says. ‘But here’s
what to do. Take a knife,
cut a little X where the
bite is, suck out the
poison and spit it on the
ground." The guy ruins
back to his friend, who is
in agony. ‘What did the
doctor say?" the victim
asks. "He says you’re
gonna die."
in the woods when one
is bitten on the rear end
by a rattlesnake. "I’ll go
into town for a doctor,"
the other says. He runs
ten miles to a small town
and finds the town’s only
doctor, who is delivering
a baby. "I can’t leave," the
doctor says. ‘But here’s
what to do. Take a knife,
cut a little X where the
bite is, suck out the
poison and spit it on the
ground." The guy ruins
back to his friend, who is
in agony. ‘What did the
doctor say?" the victim
asks. "He says you’re
gonna die."
the game
It's Game 7 of the Stanley
Cup Final, and a man
makes his way to his seat
right at center ice. He sits
down, noticing that the
seat next to him is
empty. He leans over and
asks his neighbor if
someone will be sitting
there. "No" says the
neighbor. "The seat is
empty." "This is
incredible," said the man.
"Who in their right mind
would have a seat like
this for the Stanley Cup
and not use it?" The
neighbor says, "Well,
actually, the seat belongs
to me. I was supposed to
come with my wife, but
she passed away. This is
the first Stanley Cup we
haven't been to together
since we got married."
"Oh, I'm so sorry to hear
that. That's terrible... But
couldn't you find
someone else, a friend or
relative, or even a
neighbor to take the
seat?" The man shakes
his head. "No,” he says.
“They're all at the
funeral."
Cup Final, and a man
makes his way to his seat
right at center ice. He sits
down, noticing that the
seat next to him is
empty. He leans over and
asks his neighbor if
someone will be sitting
there. "No" says the
neighbor. "The seat is
empty." "This is
incredible," said the man.
"Who in their right mind
would have a seat like
this for the Stanley Cup
and not use it?" The
neighbor says, "Well,
actually, the seat belongs
to me. I was supposed to
come with my wife, but
she passed away. This is
the first Stanley Cup we
haven't been to together
since we got married."
"Oh, I'm so sorry to hear
that. That's terrible... But
couldn't you find
someone else, a friend or
relative, or even a
neighbor to take the
seat?" The man shakes
his head. "No,” he says.
“They're all at the
funeral."
stranded guys
Three guys, stranded on
a desert island, find a
magic lantern containing
a genie, who grants them
each one wish. The first
guy wishes he was off
the island and back
home. The second guy
wishes the same. The
third guy says "I’m
lonely. I wish my friends
were back here."
a desert island, find a
magic lantern containing
a genie, who grants them
each one wish. The first
guy wishes he was off
the island and back
home. The second guy
wishes the same. The
third guy says "I’m
lonely. I wish my friends
were back here."
jokes
A newlywed couple
moves into their new
house. One day the
husband comes home
from work and his wife
says, "Honey, you know,
in the upstairs bathroom
one of the pipes is
leaking, could you fix it?"
The husband says,
"What do I look like, Mr.
Plumber?" A few days go
by, and he comes home
from work and his wife
says, "Honey, the car
won't start. I think it
needs a new battery.
Could you change it for
me?" He says: "What do I
look like, Mr.
Goodwrench?" Another
few days go by, and it's
raining pretty hard. The
wife finds a leak in the
roof. She says, "Honey,
there's a leak on the roof!
Can you please fix it?" He
says, "What do I look
like, Bob Vila?" The next
day the husband comes
home, and the roof is
fixed. So is the plumbing.
So is the car. He asks his
wife what happened.
"Oh, I had a handyman
come in and fix them,"
she says. "Great! How
much is that going to
cost me?" he snarls. Wife
says: "Nothing. He said
he'd do it for free if I
either baked him a cake
or slept with him." "Uh,
well, what kind of cake
did you make?" asks the
husband. "What do I look
like," she says, "Betty
Crocker?"
moves into their new
house. One day the
husband comes home
from work and his wife
says, "Honey, you know,
in the upstairs bathroom
one of the pipes is
leaking, could you fix it?"
The husband says,
"What do I look like, Mr.
Plumber?" A few days go
by, and he comes home
from work and his wife
says, "Honey, the car
won't start. I think it
needs a new battery.
Could you change it for
me?" He says: "What do I
look like, Mr.
Goodwrench?" Another
few days go by, and it's
raining pretty hard. The
wife finds a leak in the
roof. She says, "Honey,
there's a leak on the roof!
Can you please fix it?" He
says, "What do I look
like, Bob Vila?" The next
day the husband comes
home, and the roof is
fixed. So is the plumbing.
So is the car. He asks his
wife what happened.
"Oh, I had a handyman
come in and fix them,"
she says. "Great! How
much is that going to
cost me?" he snarls. Wife
says: "Nothing. He said
he'd do it for free if I
either baked him a cake
or slept with him." "Uh,
well, what kind of cake
did you make?" asks the
husband. "What do I look
like," she says, "Betty
Crocker?"
jokes
A man and his wife go to
their honeymoon hotel for
their 25th anniversary. As
the couple reflected on
that magical evening 25
years ago, the wife asked
the husband, "When you
first saw my naked body
in front of you, what was
going through your
mind?"
The husband replied, "All I
wanted to do was to ****
your brains out, and suck
your **** dry."
Then, as the wife
undressed, she asked,
"What are you thinking
now?"
He replied, "It looks as if I
did a pretty good job."
------------------------------
------------------------------
--------------------
As an airplane is about to
crash, a female passenger
jumps up frantically and
announces, "If I'm going
to die, I want to die feeling
like a woman."
She removes all her
clothing and asks, "Is
there someone on this
plane who is man enough
to make me feel like a
woman?"
A man stands up,
removes his shirt and
says, "Here, iron this!".
------------------------------
------------------------------
--------------------
One morning a woman
was walking out of her
front door, when she
notices a strange little man
at the bottom of her
garden.
"You're a goblin," she
says, "I caught you and
you owe me three
wishes!". So the goblin
replies "OK, you caught
me fair and square,
what's your first wish?".
The woman stops and
thinks for a second, "I
want a huge mansion to
live in.", goblins replies
"OK, you've got it.".
Woman again thinks it
over, "My second wish is
a Mercedes." "OK, you've
got that too." "My last
wish is a million dollars!".
The goblin then says "OK,
you've got it. But to make
your wishes come true
you have to have sex all
night with me." "OK then,
if that's what it takes..."
Next morning the little
man wakes the woman
up.
"Tell me," says the man,
"how old are you?" "I'm
27", she replies
"**** me", says the man,
"27 and you still believe in
goblins"
------------------------------
------------------------------
--------------------
The newlyweds are in
their honeymoon room
and the groom decides to
let the bride know where
she stands right from the
start of the marriage.
He proceeds to take off his
trousers and throw them
at her. He says, "Put those
on."
The bride replies, "I can't
wear your trousers."
He replies, "And don't
forget that! I will always
wear the pants in the
family!"
The bride takes off her
knickers and throws them
at him with the same
request, "Try those on!"
He replies,"I can't get into
your knickers!"
"And you never bloody
will if you don't change
your attitude."
------------------------------
------------------------------
--------------------
How are women and
tornadoes alike?
They both moan like hell
when they come, and
take the house when they
leave.
------------------------------
------------------------------
--------------------
There was an elderly man
who wanted to make his
younger wife pregnant.
So, he went to the doctor
to have a sperm count
done. The doctor told him
to take a specimen cup
home, fill it, and bring it
back the next day. The
elderly man came back
the next day and the
specimen cup was empty
and the lid was on it.
Doctor: What was the
problem? Elderly man:
Well, you I tried with my
right hand...nothing. So, I
tried with my left
hand...nothing. My wife
tried with her right
hand...nothing. Her left
hand...nothing. Her
mouth...nothing. Then
my wife's friend tried.
Right hand, left hand,
mouth....still nothing.
Doctor: Wait a minute.
You mean your wife's
friend too?! Elderly man:
Yeah, and we still couldn't
get the lid off of the
specimen cup.
------------------------------
------------------------------
--------------------
A guy walks into a sperm
donor bank wearing a ski
mask and holding a gun.
He goes up to the nurse
and demands her to open
the sperm bank vault. She
says "But sir, its just a
sperm bank!", "I don't
care, open it now!!!" he
replies. So she opens the
door to the vault and
inside are all the sperm
samples. The guy says
"Take one of those sperm
samples and drink it!", she
looks at him "BUT, they
are sperm samples???" ,
"DO IT!". So the nurse
sucks it back. "That one
there, drink that one as
well.", so the nurse drinks
that one as well. Finally
after 4 samples the man
takes off his ski mask and
says, "See honey - its not
that hard."
their honeymoon hotel for
their 25th anniversary. As
the couple reflected on
that magical evening 25
years ago, the wife asked
the husband, "When you
first saw my naked body
in front of you, what was
going through your
mind?"
The husband replied, "All I
wanted to do was to ****
your brains out, and suck
your **** dry."
Then, as the wife
undressed, she asked,
"What are you thinking
now?"
He replied, "It looks as if I
did a pretty good job."
------------------------------
------------------------------
--------------------
As an airplane is about to
crash, a female passenger
jumps up frantically and
announces, "If I'm going
to die, I want to die feeling
like a woman."
She removes all her
clothing and asks, "Is
there someone on this
plane who is man enough
to make me feel like a
woman?"
A man stands up,
removes his shirt and
says, "Here, iron this!".
------------------------------
------------------------------
--------------------
One morning a woman
was walking out of her
front door, when she
notices a strange little man
at the bottom of her
garden.
"You're a goblin," she
says, "I caught you and
you owe me three
wishes!". So the goblin
replies "OK, you caught
me fair and square,
what's your first wish?".
The woman stops and
thinks for a second, "I
want a huge mansion to
live in.", goblins replies
"OK, you've got it.".
Woman again thinks it
over, "My second wish is
a Mercedes." "OK, you've
got that too." "My last
wish is a million dollars!".
The goblin then says "OK,
you've got it. But to make
your wishes come true
you have to have sex all
night with me." "OK then,
if that's what it takes..."
Next morning the little
man wakes the woman
up.
"Tell me," says the man,
"how old are you?" "I'm
27", she replies
"**** me", says the man,
"27 and you still believe in
goblins"
------------------------------
------------------------------
--------------------
The newlyweds are in
their honeymoon room
and the groom decides to
let the bride know where
she stands right from the
start of the marriage.
He proceeds to take off his
trousers and throw them
at her. He says, "Put those
on."
The bride replies, "I can't
wear your trousers."
He replies, "And don't
forget that! I will always
wear the pants in the
family!"
The bride takes off her
knickers and throws them
at him with the same
request, "Try those on!"
He replies,"I can't get into
your knickers!"
"And you never bloody
will if you don't change
your attitude."
------------------------------
------------------------------
--------------------
How are women and
tornadoes alike?
They both moan like hell
when they come, and
take the house when they
leave.
------------------------------
------------------------------
--------------------
There was an elderly man
who wanted to make his
younger wife pregnant.
So, he went to the doctor
to have a sperm count
done. The doctor told him
to take a specimen cup
home, fill it, and bring it
back the next day. The
elderly man came back
the next day and the
specimen cup was empty
and the lid was on it.
Doctor: What was the
problem? Elderly man:
Well, you I tried with my
right hand...nothing. So, I
tried with my left
hand...nothing. My wife
tried with her right
hand...nothing. Her left
hand...nothing. Her
mouth...nothing. Then
my wife's friend tried.
Right hand, left hand,
mouth....still nothing.
Doctor: Wait a minute.
You mean your wife's
friend too?! Elderly man:
Yeah, and we still couldn't
get the lid off of the
specimen cup.
------------------------------
------------------------------
--------------------
A guy walks into a sperm
donor bank wearing a ski
mask and holding a gun.
He goes up to the nurse
and demands her to open
the sperm bank vault. She
says "But sir, its just a
sperm bank!", "I don't
care, open it now!!!" he
replies. So she opens the
door to the vault and
inside are all the sperm
samples. The guy says
"Take one of those sperm
samples and drink it!", she
looks at him "BUT, they
are sperm samples???" ,
"DO IT!". So the nurse
sucks it back. "That one
there, drink that one as
well.", so the nurse drinks
that one as well. Finally
after 4 samples the man
takes off his ski mask and
says, "See honey - its not
that hard."
Friday 20 September 2013
Wednesday 18 September 2013
Welcome to Linda Ikeji's Blog: New Video: NED - Give Me Something
Welcome to Linda Ikeji's Blog: New Video: NED - Give Me Something: NED drops another video plus audio as a follow up single titled "Give Me Something" after "We Run The Show", which enjo...
Sunday 15 September 2013
premier league
Southampton hold
West Ham to a draw
15 Sep 2013 19:18:24
Southampton and West
Ham United cancelled
each other out in a dismal
0-0 draw in the Premier
League on Sunday.
On a bleak day by the
south coast neither side
possessed much attacking
quality although it was
Southampton who carved
out the better
opportunities.
West Ham's veteran
Finnish keeper Jussi
Jaaskelainen made a
couple of fine saves, one
to deny England striker
Rickie Lambert in the
closing stages and
another to keep out
Morgan Schneiderlin's
skidding volley.
The visitors nearly
snatched an unlikely
victory late on but James
Collins showed why he is
a central defender not a
centre forward by blazing
a shot over the bar when
unmarked in the centre of
the penalty area.
Both sides have five
points from their opening
four games although a
lack of goals will be a
worry, especially for West
Ham who are likely to be
without striker Andy
Carroll for several weeks
with a foot injury.
The weekend's fixtures
conclude on Monday
when Liverpool try and
maintain the only 100
percent record in the
Premier League with an
away match at Swansea
City.
West Ham to a draw
15 Sep 2013 19:18:24
Southampton and West
Ham United cancelled
each other out in a dismal
0-0 draw in the Premier
League on Sunday.
On a bleak day by the
south coast neither side
possessed much attacking
quality although it was
Southampton who carved
out the better
opportunities.
West Ham's veteran
Finnish keeper Jussi
Jaaskelainen made a
couple of fine saves, one
to deny England striker
Rickie Lambert in the
closing stages and
another to keep out
Morgan Schneiderlin's
skidding volley.
The visitors nearly
snatched an unlikely
victory late on but James
Collins showed why he is
a central defender not a
centre forward by blazing
a shot over the bar when
unmarked in the centre of
the penalty area.
Both sides have five
points from their opening
four games although a
lack of goals will be a
worry, especially for West
Ham who are likely to be
without striker Andy
Carroll for several weeks
with a foot injury.
The weekend's fixtures
conclude on Monday
when Liverpool try and
maintain the only 100
percent record in the
Premier League with an
away match at Swansea
City.
Arsenal news
Wenger reveals Ozil
gamble
15 Sep 2013 08:32:06
Arsene Wenger revealed
he took a gamble in
handing a Premier League
debut to Mesut Ozil in
Arsenal's 3-1 win at
Sunderland.
The Arsenal manager's
high-risk strategy paid off
as the £43 million record
signing played a key role
in his English top flight
bow on Saturday.
Under-the-weather Ozil
almost missed out due to
a stomach bug, but he
was pressed into
immediate action far from
100 per cent fit, after his
high-profile move from
Real Madrid, due to
injuries to the depleted
Gunners' squad.
Ozil was taken off late on
after an impressive
introduction as two
second-half goals from
Wales midfielder Aaron
Ramsey helped seal
victory to make it three
wins from four games for
the Gunners.
After seeing his side
strengthen their place
among the early pace-
setters thanks to two
assists from his new
arrival, Wenger revealed:
"Mesut was like the team,
he had an outstanding
first-half and dropped
physically in the second.
"He was sick on Thursday
night and I only decided
this morning to play him
because he had a
stomach bug.
"His first-half performance
was outstanding but if
Santi Cazorla had been fit,
Ozil would have been on
the bench as he was sick
and I wouldn't have taken
a gamble otherwise."
Olivier Giroud, who
opened the scoring from
Ozil's pass, is a major
doubt for the midweek
Champions League trip to
Marseille with a knee
injury and Wenger
conceded he is likely to be
without Spanish
midfielder Cazorla until the
end of October.
The Frenchman added:
"Cazorla's ankle problem
means he will be out for a
few weeks. I don't think
he will play before the
next international break.
Giroud has a knee injury
and we are very thin
now."
Sunderland levelled
through substitute Craig
Gardner's penalty and
were denied a second
equaliser by a
controversial call from
referee Martin Atkinson to
rule-out a 'goal' for United
States international Jozy
Altidore.
The Black Cats are bottom
of the table after collecting
one point from the first
four games, head coach
Paolo Di Canio's
frustration compounded
as he was sent from his
technical area by Atkinson
at the death.
"The referee has the
power to wait and see
what happens with the
outcome of the incident
with Altidore. He made a
mistake. It's a key
moment and it's decided
the outcome of the
game," Di Canio said.
"I protested to him about
the amount of time he
was adding at the end of
the game. I was calm. I
said to him 'if you want to
complete a perfect day
today, then you only have
to send me off'."
Di Canio, who handed full
league debuts to Swansea
loan midfielder Ki Sung-
Yeung and Greece winger
Charis Mavrias, insisted
his 14 new summer
signings must be given
time to gel.
"We were too shy and
passive in the first half and
Arsenal were on top," he
added.
"But in the second half we
dominated for long spells
with determination, desire
and quality. If we can
continue to play like that
we can have a good
season.
"It's about playing like that
for sustained spells. We're
at the bottom after four
games but you can see
that we have quality in the
side."
gamble
15 Sep 2013 08:32:06
Arsene Wenger revealed
he took a gamble in
handing a Premier League
debut to Mesut Ozil in
Arsenal's 3-1 win at
Sunderland.
The Arsenal manager's
high-risk strategy paid off
as the £43 million record
signing played a key role
in his English top flight
bow on Saturday.
Under-the-weather Ozil
almost missed out due to
a stomach bug, but he
was pressed into
immediate action far from
100 per cent fit, after his
high-profile move from
Real Madrid, due to
injuries to the depleted
Gunners' squad.
Ozil was taken off late on
after an impressive
introduction as two
second-half goals from
Wales midfielder Aaron
Ramsey helped seal
victory to make it three
wins from four games for
the Gunners.
After seeing his side
strengthen their place
among the early pace-
setters thanks to two
assists from his new
arrival, Wenger revealed:
"Mesut was like the team,
he had an outstanding
first-half and dropped
physically in the second.
"He was sick on Thursday
night and I only decided
this morning to play him
because he had a
stomach bug.
"His first-half performance
was outstanding but if
Santi Cazorla had been fit,
Ozil would have been on
the bench as he was sick
and I wouldn't have taken
a gamble otherwise."
Olivier Giroud, who
opened the scoring from
Ozil's pass, is a major
doubt for the midweek
Champions League trip to
Marseille with a knee
injury and Wenger
conceded he is likely to be
without Spanish
midfielder Cazorla until the
end of October.
The Frenchman added:
"Cazorla's ankle problem
means he will be out for a
few weeks. I don't think
he will play before the
next international break.
Giroud has a knee injury
and we are very thin
now."
Sunderland levelled
through substitute Craig
Gardner's penalty and
were denied a second
equaliser by a
controversial call from
referee Martin Atkinson to
rule-out a 'goal' for United
States international Jozy
Altidore.
The Black Cats are bottom
of the table after collecting
one point from the first
four games, head coach
Paolo Di Canio's
frustration compounded
as he was sent from his
technical area by Atkinson
at the death.
"The referee has the
power to wait and see
what happens with the
outcome of the incident
with Altidore. He made a
mistake. It's a key
moment and it's decided
the outcome of the
game," Di Canio said.
"I protested to him about
the amount of time he
was adding at the end of
the game. I was calm. I
said to him 'if you want to
complete a perfect day
today, then you only have
to send me off'."
Di Canio, who handed full
league debuts to Swansea
loan midfielder Ki Sung-
Yeung and Greece winger
Charis Mavrias, insisted
his 14 new summer
signings must be given
time to gel.
"We were too shy and
passive in the first half and
Arsenal were on top," he
added.
"But in the second half we
dominated for long spells
with determination, desire
and quality. If we can
continue to play like that
we can have a good
season.
"It's about playing like that
for sustained spells. We're
at the bottom after four
games but you can see
that we have quality in the
side."
chelsea news
Mikel backs Eto'o to
recover
15 Sep 2013 14:58:35
Chelsea midfielder Jon Obi
Mikel insists Cameroon
striker Samuel Eto'o will
bounce back quickly after
his disappointing debut.
Eto'o endured a frustrating
first taste of the Premier
League as he missed
several chances in
Chelsea's 1-0 defeat at
Everton on Saturday.
After two seasons with
Russian side Anzhi
Makhachkala, the 32-year-
old looked well short of
the sharpness required to
thrive in the English top-
flight, but Nigeria
midfielder Mikel predicts it
will not be long before
Eto'o is striking fear into
defences again.
"Samuel is a great player,
a fantastic player. You
could see the way he
played, he created some
fantastic chances," Mikel
said.
"That is why the manager
brought him in.
Obviously he has a lot of
trust and belief in him.
"Let's wait and see, the
English league is very
difficult to adapt to and
this was the first game for
him and he has done
pretty well.
"Chelsea was my first real
professional club and it
took me six months to a
year to adapt, but I think
someone like Eto'o, who
is well experienced and
has played in so many
leagues, won't take very
long.
"I think he looked a bit
sharp so it won't take him
long to get back into his
fitness.
"He is a world-class
player, a fantastic guy.
We just have to keep
playing with him and
helping him to adapt to
the Premier League.
"He tries to give his
experience so we have to
keep working with him,
keep playing with him and
trying to help him to fit
in."
Eto'o's debut could have
got off to the perfect start
after only five minutes but
he directed a close-range
header from Ramires's
cross wastefully wide.
More embarrassingly for
the former Barcelona and
Inter Milan star, he then
ballooned one shot into
the upper tier of the stand
behind the goal.
He would have scored
into an open net had
Everton's own debutant
Gareth Barry not slid in to
rescue goalkeeper Tim
Howard's blushes when,
in trying to pass sideways
out of his six-yard area,
he picked out Andre
Schurrle.
Those misses were key
moments as Chelsea lost
for the first time in the
league since Jose
Mourinho's return to
Stamford Bridge, but Mikel
believes the team will hit
back in Wednesday's
Champions League
opener against Basle.
"It is about how we
bounce back. Sometimes
when you know what
you've done wrong it is
easy to bounce back,"
Mikel said.
"We need to go back to
training and try to find out
what we didn't do –
although everyone knows
what we didn't do, we
didn't score goals."
recover
15 Sep 2013 14:58:35
Chelsea midfielder Jon Obi
Mikel insists Cameroon
striker Samuel Eto'o will
bounce back quickly after
his disappointing debut.
Eto'o endured a frustrating
first taste of the Premier
League as he missed
several chances in
Chelsea's 1-0 defeat at
Everton on Saturday.
After two seasons with
Russian side Anzhi
Makhachkala, the 32-year-
old looked well short of
the sharpness required to
thrive in the English top-
flight, but Nigeria
midfielder Mikel predicts it
will not be long before
Eto'o is striking fear into
defences again.
"Samuel is a great player,
a fantastic player. You
could see the way he
played, he created some
fantastic chances," Mikel
said.
"That is why the manager
brought him in.
Obviously he has a lot of
trust and belief in him.
"Let's wait and see, the
English league is very
difficult to adapt to and
this was the first game for
him and he has done
pretty well.
"Chelsea was my first real
professional club and it
took me six months to a
year to adapt, but I think
someone like Eto'o, who
is well experienced and
has played in so many
leagues, won't take very
long.
"I think he looked a bit
sharp so it won't take him
long to get back into his
fitness.
"He is a world-class
player, a fantastic guy.
We just have to keep
playing with him and
helping him to adapt to
the Premier League.
"He tries to give his
experience so we have to
keep working with him,
keep playing with him and
trying to help him to fit
in."
Eto'o's debut could have
got off to the perfect start
after only five minutes but
he directed a close-range
header from Ramires's
cross wastefully wide.
More embarrassingly for
the former Barcelona and
Inter Milan star, he then
ballooned one shot into
the upper tier of the stand
behind the goal.
He would have scored
into an open net had
Everton's own debutant
Gareth Barry not slid in to
rescue goalkeeper Tim
Howard's blushes when,
in trying to pass sideways
out of his six-yard area,
he picked out Andre
Schurrle.
Those misses were key
moments as Chelsea lost
for the first time in the
league since Jose
Mourinho's return to
Stamford Bridge, but Mikel
believes the team will hit
back in Wednesday's
Champions League
opener against Basle.
"It is about how we
bounce back. Sometimes
when you know what
you've done wrong it is
easy to bounce back,"
Mikel said.
"We need to go back to
training and try to find out
what we didn't do –
although everyone knows
what we didn't do, we
didn't score goals."
Saturday 14 September 2013
schoo joke
An elementary school
teacher sends this note to
all parents on the first day
of school.
"If you promise not to
believe everything your
child says happens at
school, I will promise not
to believe everything your
child says happens at
home.
teacher sends this note to
all parents on the first day
of school.
"If you promise not to
believe everything your
child says happens at
school, I will promise not
to believe everything your
child says happens at
home.
akpors in skul
Akpors in skool
Teacher: Write a sentence
dat ends wit
“Hand”
Akpors: My penis in ur
hand
Teacher: *slaped him*
Akpors:Oh m sorry i 4got
2 put a space beween Pen
and Is…
My pen is in ur hand
Be sociable and share it!
Teacher: Write a sentence
dat ends wit
“Hand”
Akpors: My penis in ur
hand
Teacher: *slaped him*
Akpors:Oh m sorry i 4got
2 put a space beween Pen
and Is…
My pen is in ur hand
Be sociable and share it!
akpors brain
Wife says to her hubby
after one big quarrel
between them, "One day I
will leave you afor another
man and you will be
feeling sorry then!"
Hubby, "And why should
I feel sorry for another
man?"
Fun story short, joke,
jokes, akpors
Prostitute: Oga u wan do?
Akpors: If only u go do
am like my wife.
Prostitute: Yes na! How
she dey do am?
Akpors: She dey do am
for FREE!
after one big quarrel
between them, "One day I
will leave you afor another
man and you will be
feeling sorry then!"
Hubby, "And why should
I feel sorry for another
man?"
Fun story short, joke,
jokes, akpors
Prostitute: Oga u wan do?
Akpors: If only u go do
am like my wife.
Prostitute: Yes na! How
she dey do am?
Akpors: She dey do am
for FREE!
akpors on it again
This evening akpors was
in a
barbing saloon getting a
hair
cut, while barbing, akpos
saw a
beautiful lady sitting
patiently
in the saloon. Akpos: Hello
young lady, you look so
beautiful. Lady: Thank
you. Akpos: Can we go on
a date
tomorrow night? Lady:
Sorry, i
am married. Akpos: You
can tell
your husband you are
going to
visit a friend or
whatever. Lady: Tell
him yourself, he is the
one barbing your hair. {if
you
were to be the barber,
what wud u have done
to
akpors?
in a
barbing saloon getting a
hair
cut, while barbing, akpos
saw a
beautiful lady sitting
patiently
in the saloon. Akpos: Hello
young lady, you look so
beautiful. Lady: Thank
you. Akpos: Can we go on
a date
tomorrow night? Lady:
Sorry, i
am married. Akpos: You
can tell
your husband you are
going to
visit a friend or
whatever. Lady: Tell
him yourself, he is the
one barbing your hair. {if
you
were to be the barber,
what wud u have done
to
akpors?
joke
Akpors father was inside
a bus
goin to his village when
he
suddenly realised dat d
purse
containin all his money
was
missin. Somebody had
piked it frm his
pocket.
He luked around d bus,
everybody was calm,
well seated
and enjoyin d ride. Thinkin
of to do,
within som few seconds
an idea
struck his mind...
Makin sure dat everybody
in d
bus hear him, he said:
somebody stole my pulse
frm my pocket. People in
d bus: no answer. Papa
Akpors continued: i said
somebody piked my
purse
containin my money frm
my
pocket. People in the bus
(lukin at him):
stil no answer. Papa
Akpors: if d person dat
stole my pulse did nt
want what
hapen in 1994 to repeat
itsef
now, d person should
own up
now. People in the Bus:
now
everybody lukin at each
oda.
Some murmurin among
themselves. Papa
Akpors: i said what
hapen
in 1994 wil repeat itself
now if
d thief did nt return my
pulse. People in the bus:
now
everybody were serios.
Som
askin within themselves
what
hapen in 1994. And even
odas
are beginnin to suspect
Papa
Akpors as a native
doctor or a wizard. Within
a minute, Papa Akpors
saw his pulse on floor of
d bus.
Unknwn persn had threw
it
there.
Papa Akpors piked his
pulse and
chek his money. Then
comfirmin d amount to
his satisfaction. The
people in d bus were
amazed, how they wish
they
could realy knw what
hapen in
1994 . One teenager, a
very beautiful
girl with a glasses
approached
papa Akpors were he
was sitin
and asked him that he
would
like toknw what hapen in
1994. Papa Akpors luked
at her,
smiled and said: in1994 i
was in
d bus like dis and they
stole my
money. Na leg i take
waka go
house.
Shikena!
a bus
goin to his village when
he
suddenly realised dat d
purse
containin all his money
was
missin. Somebody had
piked it frm his
pocket.
He luked around d bus,
everybody was calm,
well seated
and enjoyin d ride. Thinkin
of to do,
within som few seconds
an idea
struck his mind...
Makin sure dat everybody
in d
bus hear him, he said:
somebody stole my pulse
frm my pocket. People in
d bus: no answer. Papa
Akpors continued: i said
somebody piked my
purse
containin my money frm
my
pocket. People in the bus
(lukin at him):
stil no answer. Papa
Akpors: if d person dat
stole my pulse did nt
want what
hapen in 1994 to repeat
itsef
now, d person should
own up
now. People in the Bus:
now
everybody lukin at each
oda.
Some murmurin among
themselves. Papa
Akpors: i said what
hapen
in 1994 wil repeat itself
now if
d thief did nt return my
pulse. People in the bus:
now
everybody were serios.
Som
askin within themselves
what
hapen in 1994. And even
odas
are beginnin to suspect
Papa
Akpors as a native
doctor or a wizard. Within
a minute, Papa Akpors
saw his pulse on floor of
d bus.
Unknwn persn had threw
it
there.
Papa Akpors piked his
pulse and
chek his money. Then
comfirmin d amount to
his satisfaction. The
people in d bus were
amazed, how they wish
they
could realy knw what
hapen in
1994 . One teenager, a
very beautiful
girl with a glasses
approached
papa Akpors were he
was sitin
and asked him that he
would
like toknw what hapen in
1994. Papa Akpors luked
at her,
smiled and said: in1994 i
was in
d bus like dis and they
stole my
money. Na leg i take
waka go
house.
Shikena!
Akpors took his parents
to
court...
And the judge question
akpors... Judge to
Akpors: Do you want to
live with
your mother?
Akpors: No
Judge: Why?
Akpors: she beats me
Judge: Okay, so you want
to live
with your Dad?
Akpors: No
Judge: Why not?
Akpors: He beats me
more than
mama. Judge: So who do
you want to
live with?
Akpors: SUPER EAGLES
Judge: Why???
.
. .
.
.
Akpors: They never beat
anyone!
to
court...
And the judge question
akpors... Judge to
Akpors: Do you want to
live with
your mother?
Akpors: No
Judge: Why?
Akpors: she beats me
Judge: Okay, so you want
to live
with your Dad?
Akpors: No
Judge: Why not?
Akpors: He beats me
more than
mama. Judge: So who do
you want to
live with?
Akpors: SUPER EAGLES
Judge: Why???
.
. .
.
.
Akpors: They never beat
anyone!
nice 1
Akpors younger sister
who is still in her teens
got pregnant. Papa
akpors was so furious,
he asked him; Akpors,
who did this to your
sister ? I said; Papa how i
take know, am I her
monitor? Papa akpors
then asked his sister
who was responsible for
the pregnancy. At first,
she refused to talk but
after a while, she opened
up and said the truth
that the pregnancy
belonged to a rich
famous chief.
Papa akpors called the
chief over to the house
and they sat down to
discuss the matter. Papa
akpors said; Chief, i
heard you are
responsible for the
pregnancy my daughter
is carrying.
The chief said; You are
right, that is true, let me
add this, if she gives
birth to a male child, i
will give you 5million
naira with a furnished
flat. If she gives birth to
a female child, i will give
you 2million naira and a
bungalow. If she gives
birth to twins, i will give
you 10million naira with
a duplex but if she gets a
miscarriage. Papa
akpors interrupted; You
will have to
sleep with her again!
who is still in her teens
got pregnant. Papa
akpors was so furious,
he asked him; Akpors,
who did this to your
sister ? I said; Papa how i
take know, am I her
monitor? Papa akpors
then asked his sister
who was responsible for
the pregnancy. At first,
she refused to talk but
after a while, she opened
up and said the truth
that the pregnancy
belonged to a rich
famous chief.
Papa akpors called the
chief over to the house
and they sat down to
discuss the matter. Papa
akpors said; Chief, i
heard you are
responsible for the
pregnancy my daughter
is carrying.
The chief said; You are
right, that is true, let me
add this, if she gives
birth to a male child, i
will give you 5million
naira with a furnished
flat. If she gives birth to
a female child, i will give
you 2million naira and a
bungalow. If she gives
birth to twins, i will give
you 10million naira with
a duplex but if she gets a
miscarriage. Papa
akpors interrupted; You
will have to
sleep with her again!
Akpors and instruction
Akpors’ elder brother,
Rukewe, traveled to
London months ago,
leaving behind Akpors,
their aged mom & their
pet cat, kelly. Last week
Rukewe called from
London to know how
they’re doing…
RUKEWE: Akpors how
una dey now, how kelly?
AKPORS: Kelly done die.
RUKEWE (after a pause):
Akpors you for use small
small reveal dis kin bad
news na. U for jus say d
cat fall inside well but
neighbors de try comot
am. Den when I call again,
u go say e break neck
small but vet doctor dey
try revive am. Den when I
call again, u go say dem
try their best but dem no
fit save am. Na so dem
dey reveal bad news in a
mature way. u hear me?
AKPORS: Yes bros no p.
RUKEWE: Ok. how mama
na?
AKPORS: Bros. mama sef
fall inside well o, but
neighbors dey try comot
am. (Phone cuts)Rukewe
has been admitted in a
private
hospital in London after
going into coma.
Rukewe, traveled to
London months ago,
leaving behind Akpors,
their aged mom & their
pet cat, kelly. Last week
Rukewe called from
London to know how
they’re doing…
RUKEWE: Akpors how
una dey now, how kelly?
AKPORS: Kelly done die.
RUKEWE (after a pause):
Akpors you for use small
small reveal dis kin bad
news na. U for jus say d
cat fall inside well but
neighbors de try comot
am. Den when I call again,
u go say e break neck
small but vet doctor dey
try revive am. Den when I
call again, u go say dem
try their best but dem no
fit save am. Na so dem
dey reveal bad news in a
mature way. u hear me?
AKPORS: Yes bros no p.
RUKEWE: Ok. how mama
na?
AKPORS: Bros. mama sef
fall inside well o, but
neighbors dey try comot
am. (Phone cuts)Rukewe
has been admitted in a
private
hospital in London after
going into coma.
joke compilation
Two mad men (Akpos
& Ochuku) organized
to run away from a
mental hospital, they
started planning and
agreed that they will
go to the gate, beat up
the watchman, and
then they escape….
When they reached
the gate, they found
out that the watchman
wasn’t there and the
gate was wide opened
they said “SHIT!! Our
plan has failed lets go
and come back
tomorrow!
A man and a woman
walked into a guest
house and requested
to spend d night there.
The owner of the
guest house, Mr Ben,
who is a member of
MFM refused to allow
men and women stay
together in his
hotel because of
fornication. The
woman explained; He
is my son, Not my
spouse and so they
checked in. After
30mins, Mr. Ben sent
his maid to go and
check if those folks
were truly mother and
son. The maid came
back and said; Sir,
she’s truly the mother.
The Boss asked; How
did you confirm? The
maid Smiled; Sir I am
sure, I saw her
Breastfeeding the Man.
Akpors and his wife
were in court for
divorce. The problem
is who gets custody
for the child! The wife
Jumps up and says;
your honor i brought
the child into this
world in pains and
labour, he should be
in my custody. The
Judge turns to Akpors,
Akpors: (calmly)”Your
honor, if i put my
ATM card into ATM
machine and Cash
comes out. Whose
cash is it? THE
MACHINE’s OR MINE?
Ambali: I don’t know
why my girlfriend is
not picking up her call.
Akpos: Don’t worry
my friend. Send her
airtime…
take one digit out and
wait…
Teacher: Write a
sentence dat ends wit
“Hand” Akpos: My
penis in ur hand
Teacher: *slaped him*
Akpos:Oh m sorry i
4got 2 put a space
beween Pen and Is…
My pen is in ur hand
Chichi: Do you smoke?
Akpos: Yes….
Chichi: How many
packs a day?
Akpos: 3 packs.
Chichi: How much per
pack?
Akpos: N200.
Chichi: And how long
have you been
smoking?
Akpos: For 15 years.
Chichi: So, one pack
costs N200, and you
have
3 packs a day, which
puts your spending
each
month at N18,000. In
one year, it would be
N216,000 correct?
Akpos: Correct.
Chichi: If in one year
you spend N216,000
not
accounting for
inflation, the past 15
years
puts your spending at
over N3,000,000
correct?
Akpos: Correct.
Chichi: Do you know
that if you hadn’t
smoked, that money
could have been put in
a
step-up interest
savings account and
after
accounting for
compound interest for
the
past 15 years, you
could have now easily
bought a brand new
Range Rover HSE
Sport?Akpos: Do you
smoke?
Chichi: No.
Akpos: So where’s
your Range Rover HSE
Sport then?
#One word for Akpos
& Ochuku) organized
to run away from a
mental hospital, they
started planning and
agreed that they will
go to the gate, beat up
the watchman, and
then they escape….
When they reached
the gate, they found
out that the watchman
wasn’t there and the
gate was wide opened
they said “SHIT!! Our
plan has failed lets go
and come back
tomorrow!
A man and a woman
walked into a guest
house and requested
to spend d night there.
The owner of the
guest house, Mr Ben,
who is a member of
MFM refused to allow
men and women stay
together in his
hotel because of
fornication. The
woman explained; He
is my son, Not my
spouse and so they
checked in. After
30mins, Mr. Ben sent
his maid to go and
check if those folks
were truly mother and
son. The maid came
back and said; Sir,
she’s truly the mother.
The Boss asked; How
did you confirm? The
maid Smiled; Sir I am
sure, I saw her
Breastfeeding the Man.
Akpors and his wife
were in court for
divorce. The problem
is who gets custody
for the child! The wife
Jumps up and says;
your honor i brought
the child into this
world in pains and
labour, he should be
in my custody. The
Judge turns to Akpors,
Akpors: (calmly)”Your
honor, if i put my
ATM card into ATM
machine and Cash
comes out. Whose
cash is it? THE
MACHINE’s OR MINE?
Ambali: I don’t know
why my girlfriend is
not picking up her call.
Akpos: Don’t worry
my friend. Send her
airtime…
take one digit out and
wait…
Teacher: Write a
sentence dat ends wit
“Hand” Akpos: My
penis in ur hand
Teacher: *slaped him*
Akpos:Oh m sorry i
4got 2 put a space
beween Pen and Is…
My pen is in ur hand
Chichi: Do you smoke?
Akpos: Yes….
Chichi: How many
packs a day?
Akpos: 3 packs.
Chichi: How much per
pack?
Akpos: N200.
Chichi: And how long
have you been
smoking?
Akpos: For 15 years.
Chichi: So, one pack
costs N200, and you
have
3 packs a day, which
puts your spending
each
month at N18,000. In
one year, it would be
N216,000 correct?
Akpos: Correct.
Chichi: If in one year
you spend N216,000
not
accounting for
inflation, the past 15
years
puts your spending at
over N3,000,000
correct?
Akpos: Correct.
Chichi: Do you know
that if you hadn’t
smoked, that money
could have been put in
a
step-up interest
savings account and
after
accounting for
compound interest for
the
past 15 years, you
could have now easily
bought a brand new
Range Rover HSE
Sport?Akpos: Do you
smoke?
Chichi: No.
Akpos: So where’s
your Range Rover HSE
Sport then?
#One word for Akpos
akpors and bb
Akpors Narrate:
Blackberry don Chop My
Money tire
So i come Vex Yesterday
Sell am ,
i take half of the money Go
buy *BlackDerry2* China
phone
chaii , headache , infact
Bigger trouble
1.Battery Go full 1min of
charging ,
2, The phone get Touch
screen , Tv , Nail-cutter,
Fire-lighter
and fire extinguisher no
vex
3.i fit write Text Message
with tooth pick
4. When Aeroplane pass e
go Record 2missed calls
5.When Chinese man pass
e go show , One Bluetooth
device
detected
6. When Beautiful Girl pass
e go show …Ur Favourite
Food Found
7.When Ugly Girl Waka
Pass e go show …
Mitchewww Virus Detected
Abeg I dey Sell am.. Who Go
Buy..
Even As At Now E Dey
Show ..
No Jwon Detected..
Blackberry don Chop My
Money tire
So i come Vex Yesterday
Sell am ,
i take half of the money Go
buy *BlackDerry2* China
phone
chaii , headache , infact
Bigger trouble
1.Battery Go full 1min of
charging ,
2, The phone get Touch
screen , Tv , Nail-cutter,
Fire-lighter
and fire extinguisher no
vex
3.i fit write Text Message
with tooth pick
4. When Aeroplane pass e
go Record 2missed calls
5.When Chinese man pass
e go show , One Bluetooth
device
detected
6. When Beautiful Girl pass
e go show …Ur Favourite
Food Found
7.When Ugly Girl Waka
Pass e go show …
Mitchewww Virus Detected
Abeg I dey Sell am.. Who Go
Buy..
Even As At Now E Dey
Show ..
No Jwon Detected..
Saturday 7 September 2013
Potrix Naija Blog: PHOTOS: I Go Die Playing Golf with Family
Potrix Naija Blog: PHOTOS: I Go Die Playing Golf with Family: Very loveable family, see another photo after the cut
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