jokes

A man and his wife go to
their honeymoon hotel for
their 25th anniversary. As
the couple reflected on
that magical evening 25
years ago, the wife asked
the husband, "When you
first saw my naked body
in front of you, what was
going through your
mind?"
The husband replied, "All I
wanted to do was to ****
your brains out, and suck
your **** dry."
Then, as the wife
undressed, she asked,
"What are you thinking
now?"
He replied, "It looks as if I
did a pretty good job."
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As an airplane is about to
crash, a female passenger
jumps up frantically and
announces, "If I'm going
to die, I want to die feeling
like a woman."
She removes all her
clothing and asks, "Is
there someone on this
plane who is man enough
to make me feel like a
woman?"
A man stands up,
removes his shirt and
says, "Here, iron this!".
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One morning a woman
was walking out of her
front door, when she
notices a strange little man
at the bottom of her
garden.
"You're a goblin," she
says, "I caught you and
you owe me three
wishes!". So the goblin
replies "OK, you caught
me fair and square,
what's your first wish?".
The woman stops and
thinks for a second, "I
want a huge mansion to
live in.", goblins replies
"OK, you've got it.".
Woman again thinks it
over, "My second wish is
a Mercedes." "OK, you've
got that too." "My last
wish is a million dollars!".
The goblin then says "OK,
you've got it. But to make
your wishes come true
you have to have sex all
night with me." "OK then,
if that's what it takes..."
Next morning the little
man wakes the woman
up.
"Tell me," says the man,
"how old are you?" "I'm
27", she replies
"**** me", says the man,
"27 and you still believe in
goblins"
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The newlyweds are in
their honeymoon room
and the groom decides to
let the bride know where
she stands right from the
start of the marriage.
He proceeds to take off his
trousers and throw them
at her. He says, "Put those
on."
The bride replies, "I can't
wear your trousers."
He replies, "And don't
forget that! I will always
wear the pants in the
family!"
The bride takes off her
knickers and throws them
at him with the same
request, "Try those on!"
He replies,"I can't get into
your knickers!"
"And you never bloody
will if you don't change
your attitude."
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How are women and
tornadoes alike?
They both moan like hell
when they come, and
take the house when they
leave.
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There was an elderly man
who wanted to make his
younger wife pregnant.
So, he went to the doctor
to have a sperm count
done. The doctor told him
to take a specimen cup
home, fill it, and bring it
back the next day. The
elderly man came back
the next day and the
specimen cup was empty
and the lid was on it.
Doctor: What was the
problem? Elderly man:
Well, you I tried with my
right hand...nothing. So, I
tried with my left
hand...nothing. My wife
tried with her right
hand...nothing. Her left
hand...nothing. Her
mouth...nothing. Then
my wife's friend tried.
Right hand, left hand,
mouth....still nothing.
Doctor: Wait a minute.
You mean your wife's
friend too?! Elderly man:
Yeah, and we still couldn't
get the lid off of the
specimen cup.
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A guy walks into a sperm
donor bank wearing a ski
mask and holding a gun.
He goes up to the nurse
and demands her to open
the sperm bank vault. She
says "But sir, its just a
sperm bank!", "I don't
care, open it now!!!" he
replies. So she opens the
door to the vault and
inside are all the sperm
samples. The guy says
"Take one of those sperm
samples and drink it!", she
looks at him "BUT, they
are sperm samples???" ,
"DO IT!". So the nurse
sucks it back. "That one
there, drink that one as
well.", so the nurse drinks
that one as well. Finally
after 4 samples the man
takes off his ski mask and
says, "See honey - its not
that hard."